THE ART AND SCIENCE OF BEING A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON

7 EASY HABITS TO RECLAIM POWER, MANAGE OVERWHELM, SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES, & CULTIVATE EMOTIONAL REGULATION FOR STRONGER RELATIONSHIPS

KRIS SCRIBANTE BAYER

CONTENTS

Introduction

1. Unleash Your Inner Strength

The Science—What Makes Me an HSP?

The Story—Living as an HSP

The Strategy—Embracing Your Gift and Learning to Love It Too

Chapter Summary

2. Flourishing Among the Chaos

The Science—Chaos and You

The Story—Navigating Our World

The Strategy—Support Yourself!

Why Your Gift Matters

Chapter Summary

3. Nurturing Sensitivity

The Science—Self-Care for the Win

The Story—Self-Care: A Life-Changing Difference

The Strategy—How to Enjoy Caring for Yourself the Way You Truly Deserve

Chapter Summary

4. Embrace Your Emotional Agility

The Science—Your Emotions Matter

The Story—The Gift of Self-Regulation

The Strategy—How to Develop Emotional Intelligence, Express Yourself, and Manage Emotions Like a Rockstar

Chapter Summary

5. The Relationship Maze

The Science—Highly Sensitive in Highly Important Relationships: A Psychological Standpoint

The Story—My HSP Dating Life

The Strategy—Communication and Self-Management Take the Cake!

Chapter Summary

6. Sparking Your Intuition

The Science—Your Gut Feeling: An Intuitive Science

The Story—My Guiding Light

The Strategy—Building Up Your Intuition: All the Tips That You Need to Know

Chapter Summary

7. On High Sensation Seeking

The Science—HSS and HSP

High Sensation Seeking is No Joke

The Story—Sensation Seeking

The Strategy—Outlets for Stimulation: No Need to Hide Yourself!

Chapter Summary

Conclusion

References

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INTRODUCTION

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you are just casually conversing and then the other party says something that you know is a lie? You cannot exactly explain why it is a lie, but your suspicions are proven correct some time later in some way. Maybe it is another person confirming evidence contrary to what the person had said, or maybe they were proven to be inauthentic by someone else? Or have you ever met someone for the first time and got the feeling that the person was toxic, and later your suspicions were proven to be true? Regardless, it has happened too often for you to ignore it as a coincidence, but you just cannot explain what is going on without people thinking you are not making sense.

There is a completely plausible explanation for this—you may have an increased sense of empathy than most people. You may not see it yet, but this can be a blessing in disguise, and this book provides you with the tools that help you understand exactly how to do that—turn this into a gift.

Do you avoid heavily crowded places like bars or clubs because the noise just seems to overwhelm you and you end up with a migraine or a stomach upset at the end of the visit? The loud music, the bright lights, and the densely packed crowd overwhelm you to the point that you either think that you are going numb and unable to think of anything or that your mind is in complete chaos because you are thinking too many things at once to manage the emotional upheaval that has come with this situation. This may be another sign that you have a heightened sense of your environment.

Have you often found yourself in positions where you have allowed yourself to tolerate individuals you'd rather not because you simply did not want to see them hurt?

I have had these experiences more often than I’d like to admit, and if you have had similar experiences in your life, then welcome to the club. You are probably a highly sensitive person, or, as we refer to it in this book going forward, an HSP. As you continue to read, you will discover more signs of being a highly sensitive person, and these signs are not an exhaustive list. So if you are ready to discover your inner marvel, read on!

A highly sensitive person, or HSP, is a neurodivergent person who has a heightened response or sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. This is because their central nervous systems are extra sensitive to their environment.

We have been called oversensitive, emotional, and too reactive, but this is not because we can help it. It is how we are built and who we are. And while this may have certain disadvantages, it is not all bad, especially if we learn to regulate ourselves and manage the overwhelm.

Anyone can be an HSP, regardless of gender. But know that being an HSP comes with both pros and cons. If too much environmental stimulus is your kryptonite, your heightened sensitivity to your environment is also your superpower. This superpower helps you be intuitively aware of situations that may end up being uncomfortable for you, form deep bonds with people who matter, and live with contentment by being in tune with yourself and what you have.

The biggest advantage of being an HSP is heightened empathy. While this may make you quite weepy if you are exposed to an emotional piece of art or literature, it also means that you are highly attuned to the feelings of people around you. This can help you build and sustain lasting and fulfilling relationships with people who matter to you. You can intuitively pick up nonverbal cues and body language and read people like a book. You can tell when something is just off about a person when everyone else is absolutely clueless. You can spot toxicity and negativity from a mile away. And that, my friend, is the basis of your irresistible charm. If it isn’t already, you can easily make it so by using the seven simple steps highlighted in this book.

In this book, you will learn about all the benefits that make you special and the advantages that you possess. It will help you identify these gifts and develop them to improve the quality of your life. This will help you embrace yourself and develop a positive mindset that comes with self-acceptance. You will learn how to develop coping mechanisms for the stress that comes with overexposure to social settings and sensory overload. You will learn how to practice self-care and come up with boundaries for yourself that you can effectively establish and maintain for your well-being. Doing this will also allow you to show up as your best self to those you care about. It will also teach you how to improve your emotional intelligence and manage your overwhelm. It will help you develop and improve your communication skills in order to improve the quality of your relationships with those who matter most. It will teach you how to trust your inner voice and work hand-in-hand with your intuition so that instead of it becoming your worst inner critic, you can channel it and help it become your best friend who works in tandem with you to help you foresee red flags around you. It will help you discover healthy outlets for stimulation and manage the risks that come with the package.

You will discover how much better life can be when you accept your inner power and not only survive but also thrive as an HSP. You will notice that your life is more fulfilling once you have claimed your inner power as your own. Whether you prefer to go with established science to understand the world around you, stories to help you feel a sense of relatedness and connection, or a straight-to-business, solution-based approach with strategies to help you with your inner work, this book has something for everyone. All you have to do is look up the section that you relate to the most to find your answers, whether it is "The Science," "The Story," or "The Strategy."

1

UNLEASH YOUR INNER STRENGTH

With the right mindset, we can’t lose—we either practice what we’ve learned or we learn what we need to practice.

NOURA

This quote is a perfect demonstration of how being in the right headspace can help you win at life. When you start to see your setbacks as stepping stones to success, you realize that there is no such thing as failure; there's only a journey to success. To win at being an HSP, you need to understand what makes you one and why. This chapter helps you do just that and more.

THE SCIENCE—WHAT MAKES ME AN HSP?

The terms "being sensitive" and "having thin skin" often come with negative connotations associated with them. This is because they often refer to people who may be easily overwhelmed and have difficulty managing their emotions as a result. And so, they are often automatically perceived as having responses that are outside of socially acceptable norms. People also assume that they should "get their act together," so to speak, by getting their emotions and feelings in order. What people do not know is that being sensitive can literally be a biological condition that people are born with, which they can do nothing about.

Highly sensitive people are known to be born with a nervous system that responds more strongly and for a longer duration to the environment. In order to know how this happens, let's get a bit sciencey about our nervous systems first.

Our nervous system is divided into:

- central nervous system (CNS), consisting of our brain and spinal cord (Barlia, 2020)

- peripheral nervous system (PNS), consisting of mostly nerves (Barlia, 2020)

The PNS has a subdivision called the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS controls most of the involuntary responses of our internal organs, such as our heartbeat, digestion, and our need to use the conveniences. It also controls our fight-or-flight response (Barlia, 2020). The ANS has two subdivisions:

- sympathetic nervous system (SNS), which controls our "fight-or-flight" responses (Barlia, 2020)

- parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS), which controls our "rest and digest" system (Barlia, 2020)

Both parts of the ANS control contrasting, yet complementary, functions to ensure that everything runs smoothly in our body. But for 20% of our population, these two parts of the ANS do not work in sync with each other. This demographic is what constitutes the HSPs. They experience heightened responses because their highly sensitive nervous system will go into overdrive and switch on the fight-or-flight response when the physical, emotional, or sensory input from the environment to our brain feels like more than it can handle. It does this because it thinks that the excessive stimulus is an attack. (Barlia, 2020)

For example, a car honking or someone yelling is at best annoying to most people, but to a highly sensitive person, it feels like aggression or an assault. While this may not be problematic by itself, it may become problematic if a highly sensitive individual starts responding to such stimuli outside the bounds of acceptable societal norms. For example, being so overwhelmed by someone's honking car that we step out to get into a fight with the driver is a reason to be concerned. Being so overwhelmed by someone raising their voice that we attack them physically would also be considered problematic behavior, even though it is the response of an overstimulated fight-or-flight response system, aka SNS.

Research suggests that these differences in the nervous systems of highly sensitive people from those of average folk are most likely due to genetic factors and early life experiences (Sólo, 2018).

The Biology of Sensitivity

One of the most important genes that influences sensitivity is called 5-HTTLPR, or (let's just call it) the "sensitivity gene." The hormone that is primarily responsible for regulating our mood is called serotonin. Serotonin, in turn, is regulated by a chemical called the serotonin transporter. This chemical helps flush our brain or drain it of serotonin as needed. So, the serotonin transporter is a chemical that basically acts like a switch for the presence of serotonin in our brain. However, in highly sensitive people, this switch works a little differently than it does in the rest of the populace. This results in lower serotonin levels in the brains of highly sensitive people (Sólo, 2018).

What is interesting is that this gene was linked to depression, but researchers later discovered that it was not the whole truth. In fact, the gene is not directly responsible for mood disorders—it only makes you super sensitive to your environment (Sólo, 2018). Consequently, the environment and sensory stimuli tend to have a stronger impact on you and leave a more lasting, memorable impression. This is especially significant in the formative years because that is when most of us develop and establish a significant part of our worldview.

So what does this mean for you as a highly sensitive person? Childhood experiences have a lasting impact on our mindset and behavioral patterns for the remainder of our lives. But being a highly sensitive person, this is going to impact you more than the average Joe. So, if you have had a healthy childhood environment combined with emotionally healthy and supportive caregivers, your adulthood will turn out better than the 80%. On the other hand, if you experienced an unhealthy upbringing in your early years, combined with emotionally unhealthy caregivers, this will likely translate into an increased risk of depression and mental health issues in your adult life. It does not mean that you will never be able to address or resolve these issues. It only means that you are affected by your childhood experiences far more than the rest.

The second set of genes that have been linked to heightened sensitivity in individuals are the dopamine genes. These ten different genes work in tandem to control the "dopamine hits" we receive in response to external stimuli. Dopamine is the chemical that evokes a feeling of "reward" in your brain. The dopamine genes in highly sensitive people increase the sensitivity of the dopamine in their brains. Consequently, highly sensitive people feel more rewarded by positive experiences—which is why they feel more elated than others experiencing the same joyous occasion—and less rewarded than the usual crowd to certain sensory inputs like loud noises or crowded places—which is why they are less happy about noises and crowds than others and prefer to avoid them (Sólo, 2018).

The third and most interesting gene is often called the emotional vividness gene. This gene is related to a chemical called norepinephrine. Norepinephrine (pronounced nor-ep-uh-neff-ruhn) is a chemical that acts as a transmitter of nerve signals while sharing responsibility for how we respond to stress. One form of the emotional vividness gene affects norepinephrine in ways that dial up the internal emotional response in our brains to our external experiences. Because of this, highly sensitive people have a stronger emotional response to their environment than other people. On the other hand, they are also quicker and more sensitive at picking up emotional cues and subtexts that may be missed by others. It may feel like you are the only ones who are experiencing life as if watching a movie in high definition, while others are still stuck watching everything in low resolution (Sólo, 2018).

THE STORY—LIVING AS AN HSP

For as long as she can remember, Jane has been deeply impacted by the people around her and the places she has visited. She was much more sensitive to everything around her than everyone else around her was. She would be, and still is, overwhelmed by crowds that are too dense, lights that are too bright, and sounds that are too loud. A caffeine drink can make her feel like her brain is on overdrive; she picks up smells that go undetected by others around her; she gets goosebumps and cries cathartically after watching a touching movie; and she feels like she is in the middle of a dance party while listening to music through her earphones.

When she is happy, she is elated beyond what words can describe, and when she is sad, she feels like her chest has tightened like a rope around her heart. She can feel her heart thumping against her ribs when she is stressed. She feels every sensation "to the power of n" times as much as anyone else does—from being happy beyond imagination to being hurt beyond measure.

Growing up, her degree in psychology helped her make sense of her heightened sensitivity. But back in primary school, as a third grader, she would come up with 15 reasons why Kate didn't like her dress. A stern gaze or tone from her teachers would send her into a bout of anxiety, thinking over all the possible things that she could have done to upset them. Even as a nine-year-old, she would think deeply about the passage of time and marvel at how her relationships have evolved over the years.

Despite all of this, Jane is an extrovert, contrary to the popular belief that all HSPs are introverts. One would assume that overstimulation leads HSPs to lead introverted lives, and while this is true for a majority of us, not all HSPs are the same. Jane enjoys the high that comes from deep and meaningful connections with other people in her life. In fact, she thrives on it. She loves it when a party gets out of hand and loves to play her music at full volume.

She spent a big chunk of her high school years socializing. The backstage of her outgoing facade reveals a different story. Although she was a top-notch public speaker in high school, she would be a bag of nerves right before the start of every single one of her speeches. Every heartbreak or unrequited crush felt like a lifetime until she got over it. Later on, in senior high, when she worked as service staff in a restaurant, she would constantly fret about getting fired on noticing the slightest drop in her boss's mood.

Over time, she realized that being an HSP can be a double-edged sword. Friendship is a serious commitment for her because of her hypersensitivity coupled with high expectations. On the upside, her friends find her easy to confide in, as they feel that she is attuned to their emotions. On the downside, being disappointed in a friendship can feel no less than a heartbreak. She is left wishing, at times, that she could care less so as not to feel hurt as much as she does.

This feeling especially surfaced when she broke up after her first serious relationship in college. She constantly struggled with self-defeating negative self-talk that compelled her to seek a therapist. A combination of her own academic background, therapy, years of inner work, and self-awareness have taught her to adapt to the world of non-HSPs and thrive in her own right. She learned to communicate her needs better, avoiding a lot of misunderstandings with people who matter. Practicing self-compassion also helped her tone down her inner critic and breathe a lot easier while being able to experience the intense range of vivid emotions and sensory information that is her gift.

THE STRATEGY—EMBRACING YOUR GIFT AND LEARNING TO LOVE IT TOO

Just like Jane, you, too, can thrive as an HSP and not only merely adapt to the world around you. But to do this, it is important to understand what exactly makes you one and how to self-assess if you are a highly sensitive person.

Recognizing and Embratcing the Gifts of Being an HSP

One of the most obvious signs of being a highly sensitive person is that you are extremely emotional, both when it comes to experiencing emotions and reacting to them. You may even find yourself weeping easily over things that move you. You are also very compassionate and generous. This does not mean that others are not, but when it comes to you, you find yourself feeling easily unsettled and even find yourself falling ill after seeing or hearing about something very scary, violent, or graphic in some other negative way. This is because of your deep, emotional sense of empathy. It makes you a natural at taking care of others and offering support and comfort to those who seek it from you. This also means that you will go the extra mile to avoid hurting people and offending them in any way, even if it sometimes means compromising your own sense of boundaries. This may also be a result of your aversion to conflict. Since you feel tension and relationship stressors more deeply than others, you may want to avoid them altogether because consistently being in the middle of a conflict can even be detrimental to your health.

You may also experience heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli such as noise, light, smells, or textures. You may get jumpy when there is a sudden noise or if you suddenly notice someone sneaking up on you. This is because highly sensitive people have highly reactive reflexes. HSP nervous systems are always on "high alert." Because of your heightened sensitivity, you may also experience overwhelm in stimulating or intense environments. Because of this, you may end up needing downtime or solitude to recharge. This may also lead you to feel emotionally dysregulated if you haven't eaten your meal on time or skipped meals. Criticism often feels personal to you, and you may struggle to get it out of your head for days or maybe even weeks because you are unable to let go of it as easily as others. You are easily affected by the emotions and moods of people around you and often absorb their energy, causing you to feel like you need a break from social activities to clear your head.

Highly sensitive people are often deep thinkers. They often reflect and introspect deeply about themselves and everything around them. They marvel about the universe and all the profound things in life. They seek answers to the complex questions in life and are more worried about the complexities than the mundane daily routines that most people are stuck in. You probably have a rich inner world because of your tendency to introspect about life's complexities. While this tendency has its advantages in allowing them to process information in ways that others cannot and picking up subtleties and details that others may overlook, it also often makes them more vulnerable to negative thoughts and overthinking. On the one hand, they have a strong sense of intuition, which guides their decision-making. On the other hand, it also makes them more susceptible to stress. They may not perform well under pressure, which can cause them to end up being extremely anxious when they have to undertake time-intensive tasks. This can lead them to be physically and emotionally exhausted, and they may end up needing a lot of rest if they end up in professions that require them to work under pressure.

As a highly sensitive person, you may often find yourself unwilling to adapt to change and may even dislike it. This is because familiar routines are less stimulating and less stressful. You may also be less tolerant of pain than non-HSPs.

Highly sensitive people often feel misunderstood and left out. Because of this, they often have to deal with a deep sense of isolation. They are often told to "toughen up" and are treated as if something is wrong with them that needs to be fixed or cured, and this can end up becoming their inner voice or a part of their worldview as they grow up, creating a deep impact on their self-worth and how they view themselves. To overcome this and use their gift to their full potential, it is imperative that highly sensitive people accept themselves for who they are. Some ways to foster this sense of self-acceptance are discussed next.

How to Foster Self-Acceptance

Before we discuss how to integrate self-acceptance into our lives, let us understand what self-acceptance means and what it looks like. As the name suggests, self-acceptance is your acceptance of all your qualities, both positive and negative. It is the process of you embracing everything that makes you you. All of you. We all have both positive and negative traits. No one is all good or all bad. Being human means falling somewhere on the vast spectrum of gray. And self-acceptance is acceptance of your unique shade of gray. It must encompass all of your traits. It must be unconditional.

The biggest benefit of developing your sense of self-acceptance is that you will simply be happier. The way we feel about ourselves affects not only our mental health but also how well we are able to achieve our goals. You will see a marked decrease in negative emotions. You will also have a reduced risk of mental health issues like depression, stress, and anxiety. This is because the greater your self-acceptance, the more you focus on your positive qualities and help those drive you to your goals. However, this does not mean that you become complacent about your negative qualities. Self-acceptance does not mean that you overlook your negative traits, but rather that you find a way to deal with them in an emotionally healthy way and channel them positively.

Some of the ways to foster self-acceptance are discussed below.

Acknowledge Your Strengths

We all have our flaws. But we all have our strengths too, even if we don't know them yet. Identify what you are good at. Try to think of situations where you excel by being a highly sensitive person. Identify how you can recreate those strengths in other aspects of your life. This is not the time to be modest and enter into a self-denial of your best qualities. This is the time to accept those qualities and make them work for you in a way that makes your life better.

Remember That We All Make Mistakes

When you find yourself feeling like it is the end of the world because you made a mistake (or someone else did), know that it is most probably not. Our heightened response makes us feel that things are a lot worse than they may actually be, but in reality, it may not necessarily be so. It could simply be our nervous system on overdrive trying to overcompensate for what went wrong by catastrophizing it so that we jump into damage control immediately and fix what needs to be fixed. And while this is very helpful if channeled productively, it can be debilitating if we let it. So, the best thing to do is try to move on from the past and look to the future as to what can be done.

Forgive Yourself

Forgive yourself, because that is what you need to do to move on from the past. Yes, you acknowledge that a mistake was made, but at the same time, what is done is done. Nothing can change the past. So the next best thing is to forgive yourself, view the whole thing as a learning experience, and let go of the past. Remember that not everyone can accomplish everything in life. So it is all right to grieve over the things not done, opportunities missed, and roads not taken. But it is also important not to let these consume you and have a negative impact on how you move forward.

Take to Journaling

Journaling is a very powerful way to visualize your goals, foster self-acceptance through affirmations, and keep track of your emotions as an HSP. It will help you keep track of your goals and your journey to fulfilling them, as well as help you understand how far you have come and how much more you have left to accomplish until you reach your goals. It will also help you stay positive if you use it to record your moments of accomplishment. This is a form of gratitude journaling in which you can find gratitude and positivity in your past moments of joy when things look bleak in life. As an HSP, it is easy to fall into despair when things go south and feel as if nothing is ever right in life and will never be right again. Having your best moments recorded in a journal and referring back to them can be the ray of sunshine you need in such dreary moments of life.

Talk About It

Talking to others about how you feel may not only help you unpack your own feelings but also help others understand what you may be going through and provide you with the support you need to help you get through it. This holds true, especially for people who care about you and want the best for you.

Avoid Comparison

The world of comparison can be tricky, as it has both pros and cons. As humans, we are all prone to making comparisons. We need a yardstick to measure everything around us because things only make sense to us when they are quantifiable in some way. So, we are bound to compare. While this can be great for us if it helps us stay ahead of the competition and improve ourselves, it can be a bane if negativity creeps into these comparisons and makes us question our worth. In the latter case, it is best to avoid comparison with others and only stick to comparing ourselves to our past selves and how far we have come as individuals because, ever so often, that is the only thing that matters.

Find Your Tribe

One of the best ways to stay positive is to surround yourself with positive people who support your outlook on life, your goals, and your mindset. Use boundaries to eliminate people who do not add value to your life, and only the ones who accept you and believe in you will remain.

Be Altruistic

A highly sensitive person can greatly benefit from altruistic ventures and acts of service by volunteering for a cause that resonates with them. Our enhanced empathy mandates that we dedicate some effort to the good of those around us who are less fortunate. It is important to fill our emotional cup by doing what makes us happy, and for an HSP, acts of charity and uplifting others can act as a great motivator toward positivity and self-acceptance.

Be Intentional

Be intentional about everything you do. People who live life with a set intent will find it easy to live with clarity and alignment with their true selves. Being intentional and purposeful about what you do will also give you a sense of fulfillment and add a sense of purpose to your life.

Address Your Inner Critic

Each one of us has an inner voice that acts as our critic at every turn. While this voice can be useful at times when it acts in our best interest to help us improve, it is important not to let it bring us down and prevent us from being our best selves. Adopt a positive mindset, as this will better help you face your inner critic and stand up to the constant negativity that keeps gnawing at you.

Some of the ways to do this are discussed in the next section.

Building a Positive Mindset

Positivity does not always mean that you are joyful and smiling. Indeed, that can wear you down as well because it is impossible to be perpetually happy, and doing so only means repressing all your negative emotions, which can lead to emotional and mental burnout. (Yes! There is such a thing as toxic positivity too!) Rather, having a positive mindset means that you adopt a positive approach to negative situations, use a healthy approach to deal with undesirable circumstances, and process your resulting feelings about them in a healthy way. Positive thinking is not about not having any negative emotions or experiences but about focusing on the positive while dealing with the negative.

Building a positive mindset can have a lot of benefits that include, but are not limited to, reduced rates of mental health disorders such as anxiety, stress, and depression; a reduced rate of illnesses; and consequently, a reduced risk of death from cancer, cardiovascular issues, respiratory conditions, and infections. It also means better overall psychological and physical well-being and the ability to cope better than others during adversity.

We can build a positive mindset by:

- addressing our negative thinking patterns and replacing our negative thoughts with positive and uplifting ones

- surrounding ourselves with positive influences, whether it's through people, books, or media

- focusing on solutions and opportunities rather than dwelling on problems and limitations

- practicing self-compassion and self-acceptance, treating ourselves with kindness and understanding

- engaging in positive self-talk and affirmations to reinforce a positive mindset

- cultivating optimism by reframing challenges as opportunities for growth and learning

- fostering a growth mindset by accepting the belief that abilities and intelligence can be nurtured and improved through a cycle of continuous learning and application

- practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment, letting go of negative thoughts and worries

- engaging in activities that bring us joy, positivity, and fulfillment

- practicing gratitude regularly by focusing on the positive aspects of our life

Practicing Gratitude

One way to practice gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal. Each night, you could make a list of three things you are grateful for for that particular day. This can serve as a boost for you when you are feeling the blues, as you can use it to look back on your small wins. It could also help to improve your sense of contentment.

* * *

CHAPTER SUMMARY

- About 15–20% of the world's population falls under the umbrella of a highly sensitive person.

- Being a highly sensitive person is neither an illness nor a disorder, and there is neither a "cure" nor a need for one; we, as HSPs, just need to learn to manage our emotions to adapt.

- A highly sensitive person's nervous system functions differently than the rest.

- Because of their nervous system's unique functioning, HSPs experience everything more intensely than the rest.

- As an HSP, it is possible to lead a completely normal life and even thrive.

- The first step to improving the quality of life as an HSP is learning about your uniqueness and embracing it unconditionally, i.e., self-acceptance.

- Self-acceptance is fostered through a positive mindset and building positive habits.

Now that we have explored the inner world of HSPs, let us try to understand how we can flourish in this chaotic outer world of non-HSPs.

2

FLOURISHING AMONG THE CHAOS

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

WILLIAM JAMES

Yes, we all live in a stressful world. But HSPs live in a more stressful world than most. This is not because things are always going wrong for us HSPs, but since we experience things more intensely than others, even a slight stressor can seem like an uphill battle. So the anxiety that many people can cope with can seem unsurmountable for us. What others experience as slightly disordered can seem like utter chaos to us. In order to understand how to live and thrive in this chaotic world, we must first understand the triggers that add to the chaos and how we can eliminate them to cope better.

THE SCIENCE—CHAOS AND YOU

Where there is information, it is bound to have both a positive and negative impact on our psyche. This was true even in the era of newspapers, where people received both good and bad news, and not always in equal measure. It continued to grow during the era of television, and since the beginning of the internet, the amount of information available to the average person has grown exponentially and continues to do so every day.

Just to give you an idea of how unfathomably tremendous the amount of information out there is, if you were to clock in the total watch time of all the HD movies on the web, it would amount to 47 million years. On average, 571 new websites are being created every minute, to add to the 1.8 billion odd sites that are already on the World Wide Web (Tunikova, 2018). Even without the knowledge of these numbers and statistics, it is obvious to anyone who can add one plus one that the amount of data present on the internet today is too large for any human to process live, in its entirety, through their five senses, even if they dedicated their entire lifetime.

It is no wonder that everyone is talking about information overload and the possible effects of it on upcoming generations. We all have, at least once, felt overwhelmed by the amount of information we are being fed every day and a need to take a step back. This is usually after we have spent so much time on the internet and have processed so much information that we end up feeling like we cannot even think anymore. When this happens, we get a strong urge to break away and cut ourselves off from the internet, at least for a time, and go through an "information detox" to go back to thinking clearly again.

Information overload has been known by many names—infoxication, infobesity, data smog, and so on—but the feeling stays the same. One of the major side effects of information overload is cognitive overload, or, as the common folk know it, brain fog. Since our brain can only process so many things at a time, exceeding those limits can cause it to simply shut down its thinking center and give itself a break. When this happens, we may start to feel irritable; it may also trigger anxiety, so much so that even simple tasks may seem like a huge ordeal. Since decision-making takes up mental energy, it may even affect our ability to make simple decisions. It may also affect our motivation levels, as we derive motivation from the same mental energy reserves. It also makes it harder to focus as our brain gets accustomed to flip-flopping between tasks rather than concentrating on a single thought. Not to mention the toll all of this takes on our critical thinking abilities at the end of the day. As the amount of information we are fed increases, it becomes harder to determine the quality and credibility of the content. Fake news and scams are rampant because of this very reason—we are easier to manipulate when our critical thinking skills are affected.

So what's worrisome is not the excess of information but rather the lack of quality control and our inability to put a personal lid on the information we consume. Another good example of how we may end up inadvertently falling into the information overload abyss is by doomscrolling.

Let's admit it. We've all been there, done that. We've all gotten on our phones for one thing, and then several minutes (or maybe, in extreme cases, hours) later, we realize we are reading a story that seems completely unrelated to what we want. We've forgotten what we picked up our phone for in the first place. But by now, we have read several articles, posts, or comments from people who don't even interest us. And most of this has been negative stuff. This is when you know you have been doomscrolling. Something to ask ourselves is, "How am I feeling?"

Doomscrolling is mostly propagated by two major, closely related factors. One is the algorithms of most social media apps that track our interests to provide more related content of the same type. The other is our own cognitive bias, which feeds these algorithms. It is important to understand and accept that every single one of us has a cognitive bias about at least one thing. We all have opinions about certain things in life, and these opinions are the result of cognitive biases, which continue to create more opinions as we come across more information in a conscious cycle that can ultimately form our worldview.

It is important to understand that cognitive bias is not necessarily a bad thing. We subconsciously prefer the information we receive from people we trust. This is a very good evolutionary instinct to have because our well-wishers are bound to give us good advice that will be helpful for us in the long run. However, modern personalization algorithms only serve to amplify these biases and take them to extremes. This may cause a lot of people to develop a shallow, black-and-white picture of a concept that, in reality, has many layers of complexity to it. This prevents us from critically thinking about ideas that we would have otherwise given more thought to. And this can be a very dangerous place to be, as shutting down our critical thinking abilities may make us vulnerable to scams and fake news.

The other upshot of this is that once we start on a spree of reading negative news, these personalization algorithms will only go on to highlight more of such news articles or posts, sending us into a spiral of reading one negative post after another. And while this deep-rooted evolutionary instinct may have been useful to our cave-dwelling ancestors, who needed to keep up with all the threats around them to stay safe, the only thing it does to us is cause us to spiral into negative thinking without even realizing why we did. We may not even realize what all the online negativity is doing to our minds while we are consuming it, but the moment we try to take a break to think or simply to rest or sleep, we end up finding all those terrible thoughts taking a free swim in our heads like it's a public pool.

Many people cannot accept the idea that their own browsing habits are responsible for their perpetual negativity, but only with accountability can we hope to make improvements.

We live in a world that is optimized for extroverted non-HSPs. The most charismatic and outspoken person in the company gets the raise. Our news channels are constantly looking out for the most shocking or impactful incidents to feature on prime-time news hour. As the world of non-HSPs gets busier, we have news channels—and perhaps many other forms of media and entertainment—deciding to curate their content to pack the maximum punch in the minimum possible duration. The "60 headlines in 60 minutes" news format and headlines-only quick-read news bytes are some examples of how media tries to convey the most impactful news in the quickest way possible to its target demographic. Little do they realize that for a sizeable population, this can be extremely overwhelming and even upsetting—especially for HSPs. As HSPs, we need to understand and accept that we live in a world that may not always take our needs into account and possibly never will. We need to take back the reins of our emotional outlets and actions if we ever hope to make our lives better.

THE STORY—NAVIGATING OUR WORLD

In this space, I have two different stories for you. Both are of HSPs who have dealt with the negativity and overwhelm of the non-HSP world, and these are their stories of how they reclaimed their lives.

Jenna's Story

Growing up, Jenna was a kid who had very unique and intense responses to certain things. She hated pantyhose that were too tight around her waist, so she always bought ones that were three sizes larger. She could sense when her parents were having a conflict, even when there wasn't a single word uttered between them to indicate that they were. The classroom felt too crowded and left her feeling exhausted at the end of the day, desperately needing some time to herself. She seemed to dwell on everything for a lot longer than everyone else and continued to think deeply about ideas and opinions long after everyone seemed to have moved on from the discussion. She would feel deeply moved by a display of emotion, whether it was in the form of spoken word, a piece of art, literature, music, or movies.

One day, after watching a horrible incident on the news channel, she ran to her bedroom, sat curled up in a corner of her bed, plugged her ears, and started swinging back and forth while singing her favorite lullaby. She sang it as loudly as she could to mask the sound from the TV and continued to sing until her mom came in, shocked to find her daughter so affected.

Today, she is an author who studies introversion and high sensitivity, but it was not until very late in life that she learned that she was an HSP. Over the course of her study, she has realized that HSPs need somewhat different things from non-HSPs, and she incorporates these needs into her daily routine to improve her quality of life. We will be addressing how to meet those needs in "The Strategy" section of this chapter.

Julia's Story

Julia's is yet another example of how a world that is not built to take into account the needs of HSPs can affect those who are.

Throughout much of her life, Julia felt that she was different from the rest of her peers. As a school kid, she would walk into her classroom and notice the subtle undertones of emotions in their voices—frustration in one and admiration in another. It seemed to be the only thing she could focus on while she was trying to get some work done in her notebook in class. On one hand, it was the emotions of everyone else in the room hanging in the air like a thick fog. On the other hand, it was the noise in the room trying to dispel it. It was overwhelming for her to spend one-third of her day, every weekday, in this chaos. She was constantly hyper-focused because that seemed to be the only way she could get anything done.

She constantly felt like an outcast, and she wondered if she was the only one experiencing this. Her self-esteem took a big hit because of that, as she lived all those years not knowing that she was an HSP. Her constant overwhelm affected her decision-making processes and eroded her self-identity.

It wasn't until she was about 40 that she learned about herself when she started experiencing physical symptoms due to her nervous system being in a perpetual fight-or-flight mode for decades. Since doctors couldn't fit her symptoms into a diagnosis, she decided to seek a wellness coach for help, and that is when her worldview completely changed because of what she found out. She now realizes that she has sensory processing sensitivity and that, because of that, she can be overwhelmed easily and needs a lot more time to unwind for her nervous system to recuperate.

She started making lifestyle changes that helped her not only overcome her mystery symptoms but also thrive. She now knows it is better to take a break for a couple of days and just pull back from life instead of forcing herself and getting nothing done. She describes the feeling after a good rest as a "breath of fresh air." She also takes things a lot slower and allows herself to take action when she feels inspired, rather than tired.

Just like Jenna and Julia, you, too, can effectively cope with the overwhelm of the fast-paced non-HSP world and work on making small changes that can have a large impact on your life experience. How to go about doing this is discussed in the next section in detail.

THE STRATEGY—SUPPORT YOURSELF!

Among all the issues that were discussed in this chapter, the most important ones that we need to deal with are: doomscrolling and information overload.

The best way to overcome the urge to doomscroll is to set a limit to the time you allow yourself to scroll through your social media or news feed. You could do this by setting a timer or alarm on your phone to help you uphold your personal boundaries. This will help you stay informed while limiting the amount of unnecessary negativity you consume. Even so, it is possible to forget about boundaries when one is preoccupied with their phone. In this case, simply stop the moment you realize you are wandering into doomscrolling territory. A big clue to realizing this is paying attention to your body and how you are feeling at each moment. It is a helpful strategy for noticing when enough is enough. Another way to put a lid on doomscrolling urges is to seek out positivity. This will also help gear your personalization algorithms toward providing you with more positive news. Practicing gratitude can also help you when you are in your negativity loop and break the cycle of seeking out negative information online. One way to practice gratitude is to end each day by writing three things you are grateful for in your journal.

To overcome the issue of information overload, the first and foremost thing to remember is that there is no way you can process all of the information available out there. So unless you are a subject matter expert in a particular area, it is always best to just limit yourself to a few trusted sources rather than try to learn everything about it. Even so, there is always a chance that you may have come upon some poorly-sourced information. Therefore, it is always better to unplug for a few hours and take some time to clear your mind. Take a walk, socialize, or connect with nature, and when you come back, you will be able to process the information from a fresh perspective that will help you filter out all the unnecessary clutter more efficiently.

Coping Mechanisms for Sensory Overload

A sensory overload could happen to anyone, but HSPs are more prone to it as our nervous system is more easily overwhelmed. As mentioned in the previous chapter, our nervous system goes into a fight-or-flight mode more easily than that of others. This means that we, more than anyone, need to prioritize learning how to calm and regulate it.

To cope with sensory overload, you must first understand your triggers. What sensory stimuli overwhelm you the most? Is it the noise? Smells? Social stimulation? Or perhaps physical movement? By understanding what overwhelms you and the early signs of the onset of a sensory overload, you can take precautionary measures or do some quick damage control to prevent those symptoms from getting worse.

One of the best ways to cope with sensory overload is to simply get away from the overwhelming environment. A calm space free from excessive stimuli will do the trick and provide the necessary relief. You could also create a low-stimuli space by wearing earplugs or noise-canceling headphones to block out or dampen noisy environments. Adjust lighting levels to minimize the impact of bright or harsh lighting that may contribute to sensory overload.

Mindfulness is an excellent way to cultivate present-moment awareness. Mindfulness is simply the practice of being fully aware of your current state and your surroundings in the moment. It also helps you anchor yourself and reduce the impact of overwhelming sensory stimuli. There are many ways of practicing mindfulness, and breathing exercises is one of them. Practicing deep breathing exercises also helps reduce the impact of sensory overload by calming the nervous system. Use sensory grounding techniques to help soothe you and alleviate the symptoms of overload. Holding a soft object, listening to soothing music, or engaging in gentle movement are some examples of self-soothing coping techniques you can use.

Take regular breaks to give yourself time to recharge and reset your nervous system. Set the necessary boundaries and communicate your needs to others to avoid situations that would end up overwhelming you. Prioritize self-care and engage in activities that support your overall well-being and help restore your energy, such as getting enough rest, engaging in relaxation exercises, or pursuing hobbies that bring you joy.

All in all, plan and prepare in advance and take proactive measures to minimize sensory triggers and ensure your personal comfort and well-being.

How to Manage Stress and Anxiety

As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, HSPs often have it worse when it comes to experiencing stress and managing it. However, it does not mean that it is impossible. We just need to be more careful and proactive while dealing with our stressors since we are more susceptible.

The most important thing is to identify the stressor. What is the event, circumstance, or thought that has stressed you out? Keeping a stress journal can help you keep track of your emotions and identify your stressors, which in turn can help you address them better.

Once you have identified your stressor, the next step is to decide how you want to respond to it. The most important thing to do is identify unhealthy ways of dealing with stressors, such as things that give you instant gratification. For example, bingeing on TV or your phone, comfort eating, using substances, isolating yourself from social life, or worse, lashing out in social life, procrastination, or even overworking yourself with other tasks to avoid dealing with your real issues.

Once you are sure that you have identified your unhealthy ways of dealing with stress, you must work to eliminate them by simultaneously replacing them with healthy ways. The best and easiest way to do this is to simply avoid situations or people who stress you out. Take back control of your life and simply say no when people ask you to take on more than you can handle. If you cannot avoid or change your stressor, the next best thing to do is to adapt to it. You can do this by reframing your perspective and thinking about the long run. How important will this be to me after a month or a year? Practice gratitude and have realistic expectations instead of expecting everything around you to be flawless. Appreciating what you have instead of constantly focusing on what you don't can do wonders for your stress levels.

Incorporate coping techniques in your life that work for you. You could practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or progressive muscle relaxation to activate the body's relaxation response and reduce stress. Engaging in your favorite hobbies is another way to destress. Prioritize self-care and practice self-compassion—I cannot stress this enough. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, identify and challenge your negative thinking patterns by replacing them with more positive thoughts. "I cannot do this" can be "I am doing the best I can," "I cannot believe I messed up again" can be "Everyone makes mistakes," and so on. If you cannot destress on your own, do not hesitate to seek professional help.

Create a Supportive Environment

Creating a supportive environment is essential if you are an HSP. You need it more than most in the form of self-care, which we address in the next chapter. As for creating a supportive environment around you, here are some pointers for how you can do this:

- Foster open communication. Encourage open and honest communication among individuals, creating a safe space for expressing thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment or criticism.

- Practice active listening. Give full attention to others when they are speaking, demonstrating genuine interest and empathy, and validating their experiences.

- Show respect and empathy. Treat others with respect, kindness, and empathy, recognizing and acknowledging their unique perspectives and experiences.

- Cultivate a nonjudgmental atmosphere. Foster an environment where people feel accepted and valued for who they are, free from harsh judgment or prejudice.

- Encourage collaboration and teamwork. Foster a culture that promotes collaboration and teamwork, encouraging individuals to support and uplift one another.

- Offer constructive feedback. Provide feedback in a constructive and supportive manner, focusing on growth and improvement rather than criticism.

- Celebrate diversity and inclusion. Embrace diversity and create an inclusive environment where everyone feels welcomed and valued, regardless of their background, identity, or beliefs.

- Encourage personal growth and development. Support and encourage individuals' personal and professional growth, providing opportunities for learning, skill-building, and advancement.

- Promote work–life balance. Recognize the importance of work–life balance and encourage practices that prioritize well-being and the integration of personal and professional responsibilities.

- Foster a culture of appreciation and recognition. Regularly acknowledge and appreciate the contributions and efforts of individuals, fostering a positive and supportive atmosphere.

- Address conflicts proactively. Encourage the resolution of conflicts through open dialogue, mediation, and constructive problem-solving techniques to maintain a supportive environment.

- Lead by example. Model supportive behaviors, such as active listening, empathy, and respect, to inspire others to create a supportive environment as well.

WHY YOUR GIFT MATTERS

If reading all of that made you think that being an HSP is a curse, I am here to tell you otherwise. Everything has advantages and disadvantages. Being an HSP is no different. Being an HSP can be a blessing if you know where to look. For starters, HSPs have amazing intuition. We can read people like a book because we sense things that other people normally don't. We have great reverence for nature because of our heightened awareness of our environment. Our appreciation for the little things in life makes us aware of details that others miss and enhances our creativity. We also have great empathy, which makes us fantastic caregivers. We form deep and meaningful relationships on different levels, which we shall explore further below.

Individuals

While we experience hurt more intensely than the rest, we also experience joy more ecstatically. I think this is a rare gift—to be able to be happier than most—one to be cherished. Because of our attention to detail, we can be very perceptive and have valuable insights about things that others do not. This can be a valuable skill in many careers and in real-life situations. HSPs are also quick learners because of their ability to grasp ideas and think deeply about them. We are also very creative and intuitive because of our heightened awareness of details.

Relationships

HSPs are deeply emotional and exceptionally caring partners in relationships. Our ability to read people, their body language, and subtle nonverbal cues gives us an added advantage when dealing with others. Since our motto is to look before we leap, we are usually cautious in relationships and are extra careful not to hurt others' feelings. Our intense emotions can pave the way for strong and lasting relationships.

Society

HSPs have high conscientiousness, and we are very careful about our environment. This is why we are excellent contributors to our local community. We have a very strong sense of community because we always wish to help everyone around us and cannot stand those around us being in pain. Our attunement to nature also makes us very active advocates of keeping our environment clean and balanced. Once we learn to cope with our overwhelm, we can become wonderful collaborators and volunteers for the communities that we are a part of.

* * *

CHAPTER SUMMARY

- We live in a stressful world that affects everyone, HSPs and non-HSPs alike.

- However, HSPs are more vulnerable to stress because they are easily overwhelmed.

- The easy availability of the internet has brought about an issue of information overload and doomscrolling, which negatively affects both non-HSPs and HSPs.

- HSPs are, thus, more negatively impacted by these phenomena.

- HSPs can adapt and even thrive in this world that caters to the sensory levels of non-HSPs by using coping mechanisms.

- HSPs need to learn how to manage their stress and create a supportive environment to survive and grow.

- HSPs must realize that their existence is a blessing, not a curse, and that they are wonderfully gifted with many abilities that, if used right, can benefit them and everyone else around them.

Now that we have learned the skills of stress management and coping mechanisms to deal with stress and anxiety, it is time to check out the role of self-care in all that an HSP does.

3

NURTURING SENSITIVITY

Self-care is one of the active ways that I love myself. When you can and as you can, in ways that feel loving, make time and space for yourself.

TRACEE ELLIS ROSS

It is not just the absence of mental illnesses that defines our mental health. Our mental health is inclusive of our psychological, emotional, and social well-being (National Institute of Mental Health, 2022). And one of the most important determinants of our mental health is our self-care routine. Self-care not only helps in a quick recovery when our mental health is in jeopardy but also helps to maintain it at optimum levels for living a quality life. This chapter will introduce you to the third step in nurturing your sensitivity and thriving as an HSP—self-care.

THE SCIENCE—SELF-CARE FOR THE WIN

We often hear about self-care as a buzzword. It is a word that gives us positive, feel-good vibes, but rarely do we stop to think about its quantifiable benefits. It turns out that it has many, and some of them are listed below, but first, let us learn how to practice self-care.

We all take basic care of ourselves. We eat when we are hungry. We visit the doctor when we are sick and clean up after ourselves when we feel messy. Self-preservation is hardwired into our basic instincts, and everyone does the bare minimum they need to survive. However, self-care requires us to go slightly above and beyond that and ask ourselves how we can better care for ourselves.

In order to practice self-care, you need to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions and figure out what matters most to you. Some of these, although not an exhaustive list, are:

- What is it that brings me true joy?

- What are my core values?

- Am I living my life in line with those core values?

- How far am I willing to go to achieve the things that bring me joy?

- What will I need to let go of to get the things that bring me true happiness and live in alignment with my values?

It might be tempting to answer everything, but this is the time to make hard choices and prioritize. What answers you come up with will determine how you shape your life, so think carefully about the direction you want your life to go. Once you have listed out your priorities, it is important to stay focused on them so you never lose sight of your goals and important values.

Remember that self-care is different for everyone. Check in with yourself mentally to assess what you need to do most for yourself and your mental well-being, and create your self-care routine accordingly.

Although self-care practices can vary, there are some common self-care routines that can benefit anyone who integrates them into their daily routine. The foremost is the adoption of a positive mindset. Take the time to cherish what you have rather than focus on the negatives. Adequate sleep and rest are also very important aspects of self-care that are often neglected in our caffeine-obsessed world of hustle culture. Remember that while it is important to be focused on your life goals, you will not be able to fully enjoy your achievements if you are not in the best of health. So make your health a priority and consume a balanced diet with regular exercise in some form. Although a 30-minute daily moderate exercise routine is recommended, it is still worthwhile to get some exercise done if you cannot spare half an hour on some days. A small, five-minute walk is better than nothing (National Institute of Mental Health, 2022). Staying connected with friends, family, or whoever you call a support system is also very beneficial for your mental health. So is taking up a hobby.

Now that we have explored some of the ways to practice self-care, let us dive into why it is so important.

- Self-care reduces stress levels. Engaging in self-care activities helps to alleviate stress, promoting relaxation and a sense of calm.

- It enhances emotional well-being. Self-care practices contribute to improved mood, increased positive emotions, and overall emotional resilience.

- It boosts self-esteem and self-worth. Prioritizing self-care sends a message of self-value. You are essentially telling yourself that you matter, your needs matter, and you are willing to invest in yourself. This leads to improved self-esteem and a more positive self-perception.

- It improves physical health. Many self-care activities, such as exercise and healthy eating, have positive effects on both physical and mental well-being.

- It also increases energy and productivity. Taking time for self-care rejuvenates the mind and body, leading to enhanced focus, productivity, and overall energy levels.

- It promotes better sleep. Engaging in self-care practices, such as establishing a bedtime routine or engaging in relaxation techniques, can contribute to improved sleep quality and quantity.

- It enhances resilience. Regular self-care activities build resilience, helping individuals better cope with life stressors and bounce back from challenges.

- It fosters self-awareness. Self-care encourages individuals to connect with their own needs, emotions, and boundaries, leading to increased self-awareness and self-understanding. Self-awareness helps us better understand who we are, what we want in life, and what we can do to achieve those goals. So developing self-awareness can help us live in better alignment with our true selves.

- It strengthens relationships. By taking care of their own well-being, individuals are better equipped to engage in healthy and fulfilling relationships with others because, by filling our own cup, it helps us show up to the people we love in the best way possible.

- It supports mental health recovery. Self-care plays a vital role in mental health recovery by providing individuals with tools and strategies to manage symptoms, reduce relapse risk, and improve their overall quality of life.

THE STORY—SELF-CARE: A LIFE-CHANGING DIFFERENCE

I realized the importance of self-care once I hit my 30s. It was not as if I didn't care for myself at all during my 20s; I did. I was interested in my beauty regimen and hair care back then, too. But that was when I could get by with the bare minimum. It didn't matter if I skipped a few steps in my routine or if I forgot to condition my hair after a morning shower because I was getting late for work. But when I hit 30, I realized the passage of time wasn't so forgiving anymore. Not washing my makeup off before bed—that would simply leave me with panda eyes in the morning in my 20s, due to all the smeared kohl and mascara—had now transformed into an acne-inducing monster that I would have to battle for the coming week. All because I was too lazy to spend an extra 15 minutes wiping all my makeup off the previous night. Like I said, not so forgiving.

The 30s also made me realize that staying healthy was now less about looking hot as hell and more about staying fit as a fiddle. A busier lifestyle gave way to more functional fitness routines incorporated into my regular activities than the dedicated workouts I had in my 20s. Of course, I still exercise. But now, I focus more on how my diet and exercise will work together to keep me fit in the long run than on my rigorous 20s workouts that would tone me in the right places and help me fit into mass-produced denim. Now, I worry more about function than my form. I get my dresses tailored to fit my body type, as I have grown more comfortable in my skin. Not the other way around.

My concept of prioritizing utility and functionality over form has also transferred seamlessly into my mental well-being and self-care practices. Back in my 20s, I always had trouble stating my boundaries. I let everyone have their way, and being an HSP, that translated into me being in a constant state of anxiety and overwhelm. Have you ever had the feeling that 24 hours in a day are never enough, and you are left perpetually wishing you had more time for yourself? That was me. But soon into my 30s, I realized that it was not sustainable to try and juggle all those balls at once. Some were going to drop, and my job was to make sure the most important ones stayed in the air. That is how I learned about boundaries and, thankfully, learned to say no. It also helped that my self-esteem improved as I settled into a profession I was more comfortable with.

Life as an adult meant that I now had to pay my own bills. I couldn't socialize like I used to because most of my mental energy was spent dealing with people at work. Luckily, my workplace consists of very empathetic people who understand my needs and respect my boundaries. That leaves me with enough time and emotional energy to spend on the family and friends who are closest to my heart. I do socialize with other acquaintances, but I limit my hanging out to once a month. For me, that's a lot. But even so, it is enough to keep me happy and content with my life, knowing that I have people who still care.

THE STRATEGY—HOW TO ENJOY CARING FOR YOURSELF THE WAY YOU TRULY DESERVE

We have already touched upon the subject of how to practice self-care in its most basic form, which includes good rest, a healthy diet, and adequate exercise. Now let us dive deep into understanding self-care practices better so you can get a better idea of what works for you and create your own self-care routine.

Self-Care Practices

Self-care is about taking holistic care of your mind, body, and spirit. Listen to your body and mind's needs and adjust your self-care practices accordingly, ensuring a holistic approach to caring for all aspects of yourself. So here are some amazing ideas on how to go about doing each.

Self-Care for the Mind

- Spend time with nature. Take a walk in the park, go for a hike, or simply lie down to watch the clouds pass by in the sky. Connecting with the elements of nature—whether it's the earth, wood, or sky—recharges your mind and helps you get back to the task at hand feeling invigorated.

- Start a positivity journal. Use it to keep a record of all your achievements, small wins and accomplishments, and milestones, as well as the compliments you have received from people around you, to read later when you are feeling blue. Journal or practice writing exercises to express thoughts and emotions. This is a surefire way to help lift your mood and recharge your emotional state.

- Engage in positive affirmations and self-talk to promote a positive mindset. How you talk to yourself plays a big role in how you view yourself and, consequently, how you view others and everything else around you. Focusing on the positive helps you stay grounded and improves resilience.

- Seek out learning opportunities and engage in activities that stimulate your mind, such as puzzles or educational courses.

- Create a habit or routine to reduce decision fatigue. Decision fatigue arises because of the overwhelming number of decisions we are required to make every single day. To prevent this from happening, you could routinely do something in your life to avoid having to make the decision every time. For example, what you wear at home on weekends or what you cook as a weekend breakfast. You could create a routine for what you wear so you do not have to decide again and again. You could cook a pre-decided menu on all weekdays and reserve the variable part of the menu for the weekends, so you do not have to worry about what you need to cook in addition to everything else that you need to think about on a workday.

- Take a one-minute meditation break when you feel overwhelmed. Just stop and be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings for 60 seconds. It will help you re-center yourself and focus better. You could set a timer on your phone if you are too busy.

- Curate your social media and filter out people or channels that give you a negative vibe. You can "mute" them if you have the option, or simply unfollow them if you do not want to block them.

- Scratch off one thing from your checklist that you have been wanting to do since forever and that you may never be able to do. It is very important to have realistic goals, and having a set of unrealistic to-dos that may never be completed may sometimes just add to your stress rather than motivate you.

- Simply do one thing that makes you happy. Just for yourself.

- Unplug from devices for an hour. Turn off all your devices and switch your phone to airplane mode. Just be there for yourself for an hour without the global community weighing down on you.

- Fix a minor annoyance that has been on your mind for some time. Whether it is a broken lightbulb that you have been wanting to change for some time, a door hinge that is too creaky, or a button that you need to sew back, getting these minor nuisances out of your head might end up making you happier than you imagined.

Self-Care for Your Body

- Schedule regular self-care rituals, such as taking a warm bath or getting a massage.

- Engage in activities that bring joy and relaxation, such as hobbies, reading, or listening to music.

- Prioritize regular physical exercise, such as walking, yoga, or dancing, to improve fitness and overall well-being.

- Practice good hygiene habits, including regular grooming and self-care routines.

- Get sufficient sleep to allow your body to rest and recharge.

- Eat a balanced diet with nourishing foods that support your physical health.

- Engage in relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation, to release tension and reduce stress.

Self-Care for Your Spirit

- Engage in activities that combine mental and physical well-being, such as yoga or tai chi.

- Practicing gratitude is a good way to stay focused on the positive and not allow the negative aspects of your life to bring you down.

- Engage in activities that promote overall wellness, such as volunteering or spending quality time with loved ones.

- Practice mindfulness or meditation to cultivate mental clarity and focus. Some of the ways to do that are detailed in the subsection below.

Mindfulness—The Basics

Mindfulness is the act of being fully aware of the present moment. It is a very useful technique to improve self-awareness, regulate emotions, and reduce stress levels. The best part about mindfulness is that you do not have to find yourself a separate place or sit in a specific position to practice it. You can do it any time, anywhere.

For example, if you are trying to be mindfully aware of your surroundings, it does not matter where you are or whether you are sitting, standing, or walking. All you need to do is regularize your pace or breathing and try to focus completely on what you are seeing, hearing, or touching. Focus on the colors, textures, noises, and smells. Try to identify and name each one so that you are sure of it. You can continue to do this for as long as you like.

A similar approach can be used to become mindfully aware of your feelings, thoughts, and emotional responses. Only this time, instead of focusing on what you are seeing, hearing, or touching, focus on what you are feeling. Try to identify and name each emotion individually. Try to focus on each thought before you let it slip away.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

One of the best indicators that you are practicing self-care is that you set healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and for others to define and declare what is acceptable to us and what is not. They help to keep everyone safe and secure. Setting healthy boundaries, as well as learning the skill of establishing and implementing them, is very important for our physical and mental well-being. Without the knowledge of how to set boundaries, we can be mistreated, exploited, or taken advantage of by others, and subsequently, our mental and physical health can suffer.

Some of the signs of unhealthy boundaries or a lack of boundaries are that you give a lot of your time to others and end up feeling like you have little or no time left for yourself, as well as feeling exhausted; you have a hard time saying no, and when you do, you feel extremely guilty; you take on other people's problems as if they were your own, and you prioritize solving those before your own. You may also try to fit in with the crowd or change yourself, your personal values, or your opinions easily to satisfy others since you do not have the confidence to take a stand for your own core values. You may also end up oversharing personal information in an attempt to please others. Unhealthy boundaries may also manifest as coercion or manipulative behavior to get others to do something they don't want to do. This is because people who have unhealthy boundaries have a hard time appreciating others' boundaries as well. This is why they may resort to finding ways to circumvent or disregard them.

On the other hand, people with healthy boundaries will be able to confidently say no to things that are beyond their capacity, as well as graciously accept it when others say no to them. They are able to clearly communicate their expectations and needs. They respect their own needs as well as those of others. They are respectful of others' values, beliefs, and opinions, even if they differ from their own, because they respect their own as well as others' sense of autonomy, individuality, and identity. People with a healthy sense of boundaries are flexible and adaptable to situations without compromising themselves in ways that could cause them physical or moral injury.

Boundaries exist to protect our emotional energy, our personal space, our time, our core values, morals and ethics, sexuality, material possessions, and finances. We can set boundaries with practically anyone in our lives, including family, friends, romantic partners, coworkers, acquaintances, and even strangers. The following is a step-by-step guide on how to establish and maintain boundaries:

- Identify your needs and priorities. Understand what is important to you and what you need to maintain your well-being. Once you identify these, it will be easier to draw your boundaries and state them accordingly.

- Know your limits. Recognize your emotional, mental, and physical limits, and be aware of when you're starting to feel overwhelmed or drained. When this happens, know that you need to give yourself a break, and if there are other stakeholders, you will need to let them know, too, that you need a time-out.

- Trust your instincts. Listen to your intuition and trust your feelings when it comes to setting boundaries. If something doesn't feel right, honor that instinct.

- Clearly communicate your boundaries. Clearly and assertively express your limits to others, using "I" statements and being specific about what you are comfortable with and what you are not. Remember that your boundaries are about you and your well-being. Stick to that. Some examples are, "I feel this," "I need this right now," or "I am not sure about this."

- Learn to say "no." Feel empowered to decline requests or obligations that do not align with your boundaries or values. You need to overcome your fear of losing people or hurting people by saying no. You can make this happen by being as polite as possible while stating your boundaries. Know that people who disregard or disrespect your boundaries are not really looking out for your well-being, and you may be better off without them.

- Prioritize self-care. Make self-care a priority, and allocate time and energy to activities that recharge and nurture you. This is more of a personal boundary you will need to create for yourself, which also serves as a base for establishing other boundaries.

- Be prepared for pushback. Know that no matter what you do or say, there may be some people who are unhappy about your boundaries. Remember that your priority is to look out for your well-being first and not to let them put you in a position that is detrimental to your mental or physical well-being.

- Be consistent. Consistently enforce your boundaries and communicate them in various situations to establish a sense of steadiness and respect. Some people will need to be reminded until they understand your boundaries and learn to respect them.

- Establish consequences. Some people may never respect your boundaries, no matter how hard you try. Know that it is not your job to force them to respect your boundaries. You cannot control what they do, but you can control how you respond to the situation. Set out clear, practical, and actionable consequences, and let them know that if they continue to disrespect your boundaries, you will have to take the necessary steps to establish consequences. Then, go ahead and do it! Boundaries mean nothing without consequences to back them up.

- Understand that boundaries may evolve. Recognize that your boundaries may change over time as your needs and circumstances shift, and be open to adjusting them accordingly.

- Seek support if needed. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals for guidance and support in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

- Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and understand that setting boundaries is a process. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them as you navigate this journey.

Prioritizing Activities That Are Healing to You Personally

Chronic stress and exposure to violence negatively impact physical and emotional health, making personal wellness crucial. Wellness, defined by the National Wellness Institute as an active process of making choices toward a successful existence, is key to mitigating the effects of stress and supporting community healing (Trauma Informed LA, 2016). Prioritizing personal wellness and self-care involves committing to lifelong progress and starting with small steps toward physical, mental, and social well-being. Simple practices to prioritize wellness in the workplace include stretching exercises, free writing to release racing thoughts, shaking and relaxing the body, complimenting coworkers, sharing laughter and jokes, using affirmations for joy, practicing deep belly breathing, and expressing gratitude. Engaging in these activities fosters personal wellness and self-care and contributes to a healthier and more supportive work environment.

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CHAPTER SUMMARY

- Self-care is a very important determinant of our mental well-being.

- Self-care helps to reduce stress levels, promote better sleep, and improve resilience, self-confidence, self-worth, and our overall physical and mental well-being.

- Self-care goes beyond just the basic care we give ourselves, comprising practices such as maintaining a healthy diet, getting adequate quality sleep, exercising moderately regularly, and so on.

- Mindfulness, or present-moment awareness, is one of the best ways to practice self-care.

- Setting healthy boundaries is crucial to self-care.

- Without healthy boundaries, we end up feeling emotionally, physically, and mentally depleted.

- One can promote overall wellness by continuously making conscious choices that promote our well-being.

Now that we have learned how to improve our general sense of well-being through self-care practices, let us move on to take a look at how we can take better care of our emotions.

4

EMBRACE YOUR EMOTIONAL AGILITY

There is no separation of mind and emotions; emotions, thinking, and learning are all linked.

ERIC JENSEN

As an HSP, you are bound to have big emotions. However, you may not always know how to deal with them. Consequently, you might end up feeling like you are missing out on so much in life just because your big feelings and the resulting overwhelm seem to overshadow everything else.

Now, I have said this before, and I'll say it again: There is nothing wrong with experiencing emotions intensely. However, what you need to be mindful of is how you respond to situations that invoke those emotions. No one should have to miss out on life just because their emotions have left them feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. This is why learning to regulate your emotions becomes so important. By learning this skill, you can learn how to manage your emotions better and live your life to the fullest.

THE SCIENCE—YOUR EMOTIONS MATTER

As a highly sensitive person, your sensory experience is far more intense than others. And that includes all your senses—sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. Not only does a highly sensitive person perceive these senses more intensely, but they also have emotional responses to these sensory stimuli that are far more intense than others.

A 2014 study found that highly sensitive people experienced increased activation in the parts of the brain related to awareness, empathy, planning, and sensory information (Acevedo et al., 2014). Another study conducted in 2021 discovered that highly sensitive people may have weaker connections between areas of the brain that regulate stress, emotions, and pain, which may contribute to why they often experience anxiety and overstimulation (Acevedo et al., 2021). However, this does not mean that all hope is lost. Regardless of the biological factors, emotional regulation is a skill everyone can learn and integrate into their lives.

As a highly sensitive person, you may have stronger reactions to both internal and external stimuli. One study revealed that highly sensitive people have a clearly increased sensitivity to excessive visual stimuli (Redfearn et al., 2020). However, highly sensitive people are known to react strongly to other external stimuli, including noise and the presence of people. Some of the internal stimuli include their painful and angry emotions. This can end up being both advantageous and disadvantageous.

For instance, at the workplace, highly sensitive people may feel troubled by tiny cubicles or densely packed offices. On the other hand, they may also be excellent at paying close attention to details during meetings and negotiations. On the social front, while sensitive people may form deep and meaningful relationships with their peers because of their heightened sense of kindness and compassion, they may also end up becoming a more preferred target of bullies who may wish to provoke more intense reactions on purpose (Salmivalli et al., 2021).

There are many ways that highly sensitive people can feel disadvantaged because of the intensity of their emotions. For starters, you may experience an increase in stress levels if exposed to harsh or extremely bright lighting. You may prefer dim lamps or incandescent bulbs instead of brighter neon variants. You may experience more discomfort with certain kinds of clothes, textures, and weaves. You may not like the feeling of harsh textures on your skin, so you may avoid wearing tight-fitting denim and opt for something more roomy.

You may experience heightened anxiety while trying to converse with people, regardless of the subject of discussion or the people you're discussing with. You may be making small talk with the closest of your buddies and still feel anxious. All this, even though you have such a low-stakes conversation going on where nothing can realistically go wrong.

It is important to remember, in such circumstances, that these reactions are part of your survival instincts. This is not a mark on your character or your moral compass. The only thing you can do to mitigate this is to learn to regulate your emotions and improve your emotional intelligence. Because of the heightened anxiety that they experience during social situations, some HSPs may seek to avoid social settings altogether. And while it is alright to seek out solitude to recharge and recoup your energy levels, know that perpetually isolating yourself is not a permanent fix. It is simply a band-aid solution for a fracture. This is because we all need some social connection to thrive, HSPs included. Although highly sensitive people are most likely to be introverts, this is not a hard-and-fast rule. Besides, introverts need social connections too.

Highly sensitive people are also more likely to experience more emotional exhaustion than others. You might feel as if all your efforts to emotionally regulate yourself and manage stress have left you drained. Due to this, you may feel the need to recharge after social situations. You may have increased feelings of anxiety in various situations, even if it is something you wanted for yourself. You may visit your favorite cafe with your best buddies during an unusually crowded time and feel your anxiety seeping through your skin. Something as simple as someone speaking in a slightly louder voice simply out of excitement may make you feel like they are yelling and that you are about to be attacked. Because of all these, you might end up feeling offended easily and sometimes be deeply affected by what people say to you or how they say it. This is why it is very important to understand the underlying, deep-rooted causes of your overwhelm so that you can properly communicate what made you feel overwhelmed and why you felt it. Not communicating your needs properly and completely disregarding your role in self-regulating yourself might make people around you feel like they need to constantly walk on eggshells around you, and this might affect the quality of your relationships.

While it is easy to perceive these traits as disadvantageous, they can also be a great blessing in disguise. But that is a story for the next section.

THE STORY—THE GIFT OF SELF-REGULATION

Over the course of my life, I have realized that while social discourse takes a lot of energy, it also helps me prioritize my mental health. As a highly sensitive person, you soon realize that you have to. There is no way around it. While a majority of individuals might give thought to their mental health only when things have hit rock bottom, it does not work that way for a highly sensitive individual. Since everything feels more intense, including our ebbs and flows, we have no choice but to be more mindfully aware of our mental health and prioritize it before anything else.

My journey through being more mindful of my mental health, being more consciously aware of my emotions, and learning to regulate them has not been easy. I have had to draw some very difficult boundaries and have tough conversations with the people I love most. But over time, I realized that those who stuck around despite everything were the ones who truly valued me and mattered most to me. My social circle has dwindled, but the quality of my relationships has only improved over the years as I continue to work on myself and improve my emotional resilience.

One of the major roadblocks in my journey was that I was offended too easily. As a result, when I started to react, I had the people I loved most tiptoeing around me. They were worried about how I would end up feeling about it. Over time, I realized that I could have my needs met and simultaneously create a safe space for people I loved to share their experiences. That meant that I needed to pause before I responded. Respond, don't react, became my new mantra.

Once I was able to do that, I noted a steep improvement in the quality of my relationships. I was able to develop deeper friendships with the people I cared about because I had the empathy and compassion to connect with them on a deeper level than most people did. I was also more aware of what they were feeling at any given moment, and I realized that this was a rare gift that allowed me to relate to them better.

I was also able to make more special memories with my loved ones. I am usually the person in the relationship who not only remembers all the birthdays and anniversaries but will also remember the time when my best friend landed their first job or the first time I met my partner, including all the other tiny details that happened that day.

Regulating my emotions has also helped me appreciate the little joys in life more now. I am incredibly grateful that I am able to live and thrive in a fulfilling environment.

THE STRATEGY—HOW TO DEVELOP EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, EXPRESS YOURSELF, AND MANAGE EMOTIONS LIKE A ROCKSTAR

Emotional intelligence is a skill set that comprises how well we identify and manage our own emotions, as well as identify, respond to, and influence the emotions of people around us. This is a skill that everyone needs, not just people who are highly sensitive. But highly sensitive people—since they are more vulnerable to the negative aftereffects of their negative feelings, thoughts, or circumstances—need this skill more than most. Emotional intelligence has four main components: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social skills. While some people are natural at one or more of these skills, others are not. The good news is that all these skills are learnable. Some of the ways to do that are discussed in the next section.

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Before we delve into how we can develop our emotional intelligence, let us take a deeper look into what its components are.

Remember: Intensity is not the same as awareness. Intensity only increases the depth of your emotions, while awareness improves your understanding of them.

Self-regulation is the second component of emotional intelligence. Once you have mastered self-awareness and understood your emotions, you will then need to learn how to regulate them to bring about the outcome you desire. For example, if you feel that something is not going the way you want, you could either let your worry and stress consume you or channel that anxiety and worry toward working for an actionable solution.

Social awareness is our ability to understand the emotions of those around us. The cornerstone of social awareness is empathy. Empathy is widely misunderstood as putting yourself in someone else's shoes, but it is more than that. Empathy is not just about how you would feel in their place but also how they are actually feeling in their situation. Let me illustrate this with an example. Say two different individuals, A and B, failed to nail the interview for the same company. They may not experience the same level of demotivation. It is possible that what may have been a dream job for A might have just been one of many options for B. Because of this, one of them may feel worse about it than the other. In this case, perhaps A is feeling devastated while B still has a lot of motivation left for their upcoming job interviews. If B simply tries to put themselves in A's shoes, they may not fully understand the gravity or intensity of A's disappointment or sense of loss. They might even ask them to cheer up because they themselves are not as devastated. However, if B practices empathy, they will realize that the job meant more to A than to themselves. They will try to motivate and validate A in other ways rather than dismiss their emotions. People with a strong sense of social awareness are generally kinder and more compassionate toward others than their peers.

Social skills include one's ability to influence others' emotions by motivating or inspiring them with their presence or charisma, manage conflicts, build and maintain teamwork, and have healthy relationships.

Now that we are familiar with the four main components of emotional intelligence, let us look at the steps we can take to build it.

1. Identify and accurately label your emotions, increasing your emotional vocabulary and awareness of subtle emotional cues.

2. Develop self-awareness. Take time to understand and recognize your own emotions, triggers, and behavioral patterns.

3. Practice self-regulation. Learn to manage and control your emotional responses, avoid impulsive reactions, and find healthier ways to cope with challenging situations.

4. Practice emotional resilience. Develop the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adapt to change, maintaining a positive mindset and managing stress effectively.

5. Cultivate empathy. Seek to understand and share the feelings of others, putting yourself in their shoes and showing compassion and understanding.

6. Seek feedback. Be open to constructive feedback about your emotional responses and behaviors, using it as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.

7. Foster emotional awareness in others. Pay attention to the emotional states of those around you, validating and supporting their feelings when needed.

8. Enhance social skills. Build effective communication and interpersonal skills, including active listening, conflict resolution, and building rapport with others.

9. Apply emotional intelligence in various contexts. Practice applying your emotional intelligence skills in different areas of life, including personal relationships, the workplace, and social interactions.

10. Continuously learn and grow. Engage in personal development activities, such as reading books, attending workshops, or seeking therapy, to enhance your emotional intelligence skills over time.

Expressing Feelings in a Healthy Way

One of the major determinants of having a fulfilled and happy life is having meaningful relationships. And one of the foundational cornerstones of meaningful relationships is effective communication. Since highly sensitive people form a minority of the populace, not everyone may be aware of or be able to relate to how we feel. So the onus is on us to communicate what we are feeling and what our loved ones could do to support us.

Holding back feelings can be very detrimental to our mental health and eventually lead to overwhelm (Lonczak, 2020). It was found that in women, suppressing emotions led to an increase in their blood pressure (Lonczak, 2020). Another study found that those who suppressed their feelings experienced fewer positive and more negative emotions (Lonczak, 2020). In another study in which participants were shown a disgusting movie, those who suppressed their emotions thereafter experienced a relatively higher heart rate than those who didn't. Emotional suppression is also known to lead to a decrease in the quality of relationships, lesser social satisfaction, lower social support, a higher chance of making a negative first impression, and lower social well-being (Lonczak, 2020).

A preliminary study revealed that men who held back their emotions after watching an upsetting video clip were more vulnerable to distress and an elevated heart rate (Lonczak, 2020). In another study that compared the responses of people who were struggling with major depression as opposed to healthy ones, the ones who suppressed both positive and negative emotions were associated with increased depressive symptoms among depressed individuals (Lonczak, 2020). In another research, it was observed that when people suppressed their feelings after watching an emotionally charged movie, they were at a higher risk of experiencing an increase in their negative emotions, especially if they had a recent or ongoing history of anxiety and mood disorders (Lonczak, 2020). Researchers conducted an experiment in which they asked the participants to give a speech facing a camera, and those who tried to suppress their feelings while doing so ended up feeling more anxious and having an increased heart rate (Lonczak, 2020).

A study was conducted in which participants experienced a mental arithmetic task with or without harassment, followed by a cold-presser experience (i.e., dipping a person’s hand in very cold water). Those in the suppression group reported greater pain levels (Lonczak, 2020). One study also reported that under-regulation of emotion was associated with an increased probability of aggression. In yet another study, researchers asked the participants to journal every day about their positive and negative moods and found that those who held their feelings back experienced more negativity and less positivity (Lonczak, 2020).

In a study comparing clinically depressed, formerly depressed, and never-depressed participants, all groups were presented with an affective priming task. Among the formerly depressed group, suppressing one's feelings was linked to an increase in symptoms of depression (Lonczak, 2020).

This makes it very important to learn how to express our feelings and state our boundaries in a healthy way that is beneficial to both parties. Some of the ways to do this are:

- Identify and acknowledge your feelings. Take time to recognize and understand your emotions, giving yourself permission to experience and express them.

- Choose the right time and place. Find a suitable setting and moment to express your feelings, ensuring privacy and a conducive environment for open communication.

- Avoid using "you" statements, take ownership of your emotions, and avoid sounding accusatory toward others.

- Be clear and specific. Clearly communicate the emotions you are experiencing, describing them in a specific and concise manner.

- Practice active listening. Be a good listener. Create space for others to express their feelings as well, listening attentively without interruption or judgment.

- Use assertive communication. Express your feelings assertively, being honest and direct while respecting the rights and boundaries of others.

- Avoid blaming or attacking. Focus on expressing your feelings without placing blame on others or resorting to personal attacks.

- Use nonverbal cues. Pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions to convey your feelings authentically and effectively.

- Validate and acknowledge the feelings of others. Show empathy and understanding toward the emotions expressed by others, creating a supportive and validating environment.

- Seek resolution and understanding. Express your feelings with the intention of fostering understanding, finding common ground, and working toward resolution in a respectful manner.

- Seek support if needed. If expressing your feelings becomes challenging or overwhelming, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for guidance and support.

Managing Overwhelm and Emotional Intensity

Managing emotions when we are overwhelmed is an important skill for a highly sensitive person. This is because we often find ourselves in situations where we are so overwhelmed with our emotions that we do not know what to do with them. Holding them back would end up with undesirable consequences for us, as mentioned in the previous section, and simply letting them out in their raw and unfiltered state would be undesirable for the opposite party. So what does one do with something like that? The answer lies in using emotional regulation to manage our emotional intensity and the resulting overwhelm.

Consider the emotional overwhelm as your body telling you that it has reached its breaking point and that you should do something about it immediately. It is very important to manage our overwhelming emotions because failure to do so may eventually lead to trouble at home, work, or school. It can also lead to you having difficulty managing stress, sleep problems, anxiety, depression, muscle fatigue, and so on, which may eventually lead you to resort to unhealthy coping methods such as substance abuse. In order to prevent our emotions from spiraling out of control, it is better to sew the proverbial stitch in time. Some of the ways to do that are discussed below:

- Recognize your triggers. Identify the situations, environments, or thoughts that tend to overwhelm you or intensify your emotions.

- Practice self-awareness. Be attuned to your own emotional state, noticing when you start to feel overwhelmed or emotionally intense.

- Take breaks. Allow yourself regular breaks to step away from overwhelming situations, giving yourself time and space to decompress.

- Establish healthy boundaries. Set clear boundaries to protect your energy and prevent overwhelm. Learn to say no when necessary and prioritize self-care.

- Practice self-care. Engage in activities that promote self-care and nourish your well-being, such as exercise, spending time in nature, engaging in hobbies, or seeking support from loved ones.

- Seek support. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide a supportive ear or guidance during times of overwhelm or emotional intensity.

- Start journaling. Write down your thoughts and emotions in a journal as a way to process and release overwhelming feelings.

- Break tasks into manageable steps. When faced with overwhelming tasks, break them down into smaller, more manageable steps to reduce the sense of being overwhelmed.

- Practice emotional regulation. Learn techniques to regulate your emotions, such as identifying and challenging negative thought patterns, reframing situations, or seeking professional support for developing emotional regulation skills.

- Prioritize self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion when you're feeling overwhelmed or emotionally intense. Remember that it's okay to ask for help and take care of yourself.

- Seek balance. Strive for a balanced lifestyle that includes rest, relaxation, social connection, and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.

- Engage in relaxation techniques. Explore various relaxation techniques like meditation, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery to help reduce overwhelm and emotional intensity. You could also practice deep breathing techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing, to activate the body's relaxation response and calm your nervous system. Some of these are explained below.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

Diaphragmatic breathing, also called belly breathing, is a breathing technique that can help improve your lung health and involves breathing in a way that primarily uses the diaphragm.

To practice diaphragmatic breathing in its most basic form, follow the given steps:

- Lie down with one pillow under your head and another under your knees. This will help you settle into a comfortable position.

- Place one hand on the mid-upper chest and another on the stomach, just below your rib cage but above the diaphragm.

- During inhalation, breathe in slowly through your nose and draw your breath into your stomach. The stomach should rise against the hand, while the hand on the chest should not move.

- During exhalation, tighten the muscles on your stomach and allow your stomach to fall back to its original position. Breathe out while your lips are still pursed. In this case, too, the chest must remain still.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

Progressive muscle relaxation is an effective way to release stress and anxiety. To practice PMR, you have to slowly tense and then relax each muscle in your body.

To practice progressive muscle relaxation:

- Lie down on the bed with your body completely straight and preferably facing ahead.

- Start with your forehead. Clench the muscles in your forehead and keep it that way for five seconds.

- Release the muscle after the five-second period is over. Take a moment to notice what the release feels like, then move on to the next set of muscles.

* * *

CHAPTER SUMMARY

- Developing the skill to communicate effectively is one of the most important skill sets we need to learn as highly sensitive people.

- This is because our mind can often be a whirlwind of emotions, many of which could sometimes confuse us as to what to do.

- The way you could prevent overwhelm from driving your life is to develop and improve a set of skills collectively known as emotional intelligence.

- Emotional intelligence consists of four main components: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social skills.

- Self-awareness includes identifying and understanding our own emotions.

- Self-regulation involves regulating our own emotions by using coping mechanisms and directing our emotions in ways that benefit us.

- Social awareness includes the key component of empathy, which allows an individual to relate to what the other party is feeling.

- Social skills involve using effective communication and nonverbal cues to motivate and inspire others to achieve the outcome that we desire.

Now that we have mastered the key skill to managing our overwhelm, i.e., emotional intelligence, let us see how we can apply this further in our communication and expression to improve the quality of our lives.

5

THE RELATIONSHIP MAZE

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.

PAULO COELHO

Remember when we talked about not many people understanding the inner workings of a highly sensitive person, sometimes including themselves? Well, when this carries over to relationships, this translates into unique challenges for the relationships as well as the individuals involved. In this chapter, we will delve into how to navigate these challenges using one of the most powerful relationship-building techniques—effective communication.

THE SCIENCE—HIGHLY SENSITIVE IN HIGHLY IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS: A PSYCHOLOGICAL STANDPOINT

Highly sensitive people have a number of traits that can pose challenges as well as hand them quite a few brownie points in their relationships. For starters, your potential date or your partner could be completely unaware of what being a highly sensitive person means and entails.

Sensory perception sensitivity (SPS) is present in about 15-20% of the population (Barlia, 2020). Sensory perception sensitivity is just another name for the phenomenon of being a highly sensitive person. Additionally, it is neither a disorder nor a behavioral dysfunction. Because of this, there may not be a lot of awareness about this condition among laypeople. This lack of information may make it very difficult for highly sensitive people to properly explain their own needs to potential dates or partners. You may feel exhausted doing all the explaining, as you will need to start from the very basics every time. The upside of this is that you have something to talk about and share about yourself with sensitivity to ensure the opposite party can understand you better. However, since highly sensitive people are acutely aware of other people's emotions, it can be easy for us to assume and expect the same from non-HSPs. When these expectations are not met in a relationship, we can end up feeling very disappointed and unloved. This is why awareness and open communication are very important. With proper communication, HSPs can find the sweet spot between understanding nonverbal cues and the need to communicate openly.

HSPs experience heightened sensitivity. Being a highly sensitive person can result in experiencing emotions and stimuli more intensely, which can impact the emotional dynamics within relationships. HSPs may have heightened sensitivity to sensory stimuli, such as noise or physical touch, which can influence their comfort levels and boundaries in relationships. Sensory stimuli that are comfortable for their partners may easily overwhelm a highly sensitive person. They may want to withdraw from situations that cause such overarousal. If not communicated properly, it can leave their partners feeling unloved and unwanted. Their need for solitude and recharge time is another factor in this. HSPs often require regular periods of solitude to process emotions, recharge their energy, and prevent sensory overload. This need for alone time can impact the dynamics of social and intimate relationships. Their partners may not understand that it has everything to do with the HSPs needing to calm down their nervous system and nothing to do with the quality of the relationship.

The good thing about being sensitive, though, is that HSPs have an eye for detail and subtleties. HSPs have a keen ability to notice subtle cues and nuances in relationships, which can contribute to a deeper understanding and appreciation of their partners. HSPs often also possess a deep capacity for empathy, allowing them to intuitively understand and connect with others' emotions. This can foster greater emotional closeness in relationships. The downside, again, is that because of their heightened empathy, highly sensitive people may easily "catch feelings." They may start to take on the feelings of their partner as their own and not even realize it. This can be especially problematic if the partner is often prone to falling into negative mental states like overthinking, stress, anxiety, or depression. Without fortifying their emotional boundaries, they will end up feeling blue along with their partner.

Highly sensitive people often seek deep and meaningful connections, valuing emotional intimacy and authentic relationships. They may prioritize quality over quantity when it comes to their social circle. HSPs are usually not available for hookups and casual flings. This means that you, as an HSP, need to communicate very clearly what you want from your dates and filter out those whose dating interests and expectations do not align with yours. Despite this, there is a possibility that highly sensitive people often end up getting very hurt when things don't go well in their relationships. They may ruminate over an argument for hours or even days. HSPs may have a more sensitive and nuanced approach to conflict resolution, valuing empathy, compromise, and harmony. They may struggle with conflict or become overwhelmed by intense emotions during disagreements. This may also lead to them adopting the approach of conflict avoidance rather than conflict resolution since they tend to have strong emotional reactions and may be more affected by criticism or conflict, which can lead to more harm than good in the relationship. They may require reassurance and understanding from their partners to navigate emotional challenges.

Highly sensitive people are deep thinkers and very perceptive. They may also often be mistaken for overthinkers because of this. Since they tend to think thoroughly about things and revisit those thoughts from different perspectives, they may come across as naggy, nitpicky, or critical. However, with the right approach, highly sensitive people can immensely help their partners become better versions of themselves through their empathy and compassion, since they prefer more thoughtful and reflective communication, emphasizing meaningful conversations and deep connections.

HSPs may have a greater need to establish and maintain healthy boundaries to protect their emotional well-being. Self-care practices are vital for HSPs to replenish their energy and manage stress, which can impact their ability to be fully present in relationships. However, most of these hurdles can be overcome with effective communication, something we will address in the strategy section of this chapter.

THE STORY—MY HSP DATING LIFE

My dating life as a highly sensitive person has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least, with the highs just as exhilarating as the lows were devastating. My first crush was in high school. Every time I would see them enter the classroom, I would feel a rush of euphoria kicking in and making me go heady. For those of you who are not HSPs, this may seem a bit dramatic, but for those of you who are, you know exactly what I am talking about. That's right, folks. When the highly sensitive fall in love, they fall hard. Being a highly sensitive person, as strong as my feelings were, I was also equally terrified of being rejected. This is why I admired them from afar with enough intensity that it became obvious to enough people in class. It was the stereotypical high school situation where everyone knew who you were crushing on, except the crush themselves. The person in question, of course, is completely clueless, while the rest of the world watches with amusement the suffering of the limerent and the complete obliviousness of the object of their desire. So a few months before I graduated high school, I ended up confessing, much to the celebrations of my besties for finally taking the first step, and much to my embarrassment and that of my crush, on discovering that they were the last person to know.

What ensued was the emotional manifestation of two people on drugs, except here, the drug was dopamine, and we were manufacturing it in our own brains. Only I was affected tenfold more than my romantic partner. They were the dealers, giving my brain intense dopamine hits with their presence, and I was the junkie. It was probably beyond anything a regular person could ever experience. A touch would send something akin to a lightning bolt down my veins. But good times seldom last forever. In fact, I would go on to say that they never last forever. So remember when I said that I had confessed a few months before graduating high school? It turns out that it was the silliest mistake someone could make considering that almost everyone goes their separate ways on their respective career paths in high school. But I was neck deep in love while confessing and heady with motivation from my besties cheering me on. Because of that, it had momentarily slipped my mind. And afterwards, it stayed out since I was perpetually in a state of being dazed by the thought that I was dating the person I had admired for over three years.

Of course, I got dumped right after I graduated high school. But what happened next was worse. I could not come to terms with the fact that I was never going to see the person I loved again. In hindsight, I wouldn't blame them. It was a clean break, with clear communication that they were moving out to another state to a completely different university than the ones I had applied to. But my HSP brain was not having it. It wasn't ready to let go of the dopamine kicks yet. If you think that was bad, let me tell you, the worst was yet to come.

I grieved for six years. I mourned the loss of a person I loved. I mourned the loss of the person who made me smile. I mourned the loss of every touch and every sensation that had jolted through my body while I was dating. I missed the scent of their hair. I missed seeing them flash their heartwarming smile. I missed them for six years.

It was an experience that taught me the hard way to be cautious the next time I approached love and affection, even when it came to friends. I remember crying for an entire day when my best friend broke up with their boyfriend. As an HSP who did not have much self-awareness back then, it is hard to tell if it was because it reminded me of my own breakup or because I was just mirroring theirs.

Perhaps my fellow HSPs have had similar experiences with love. Perhaps they have had their own unique journey and learned their own lessons along the way, or perhaps this may serve as a cautionary tale for the uninitiated. Regardless, I discovered that, as an HSP, it is very important to be careful about who you give your heart to. And even then, it is important to communicate clearly about your needs and what you expect from the relationship.

In hindsight, if I had, back then, the wisdom I have today, I would perhaps have never confessed, knowing that we would inevitably part ways once we graduate. If I had to confess today—disregarding the foresight and simply considering the wisdom I currently have—I would have taken out the time to have tough conversations and asked what they had planned out for their future before becoming the love addict.

This is why, for highly sensitive people, communication and emotional regulation take the cake among all the skills we employ to live better lives. This is also something we discuss next.

THE STRATEGY—COMMUNICATION AND SELF-MANAGEMENT TAKE THE CAKE!

Relationships with highly sensitive people can be tricky to navigate, both for the highly sensitive themselves and their non-HSP partners. One of the keys to getting it right is employing self-regulation skills and using effective communication to navigate these tricky waters. Since we have already discussed self-regulation of emotions in detail, we shall now focus on improving and applying communication skills to improve our relationships as HSPs, both personally and professionally.

Effective Communication Strategies

Effective communication is the key to lasting relationships, whether it is in our personal lives or at the workplace. However, since the stakes are higher for highly sensitive people when it comes to their emotions, we must develop and enhance our communication skills and learn to apply them to our unique circumstances, feelings, and thoughts as HSPs. Some ways to do this are given below:

- Practice active listening. Give your full attention to the speaker, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in what they are saying. Ask them open-ended questions if you need more information to understand something they talked about. You could also practice reflective listening, which is another subset of active listening. You repeat to them what they said—in a way that you understood it—to confirm with them that their idea has been conveyed effectively.

- Use clear and concise language. Express your thoughts and ideas in a straightforward manner, avoiding unnecessary jargon or complicated language. Be mindful of your choice of words when you say something, as word choice plays an important part in what we convey and how we convey it. By avoiding obfuscation and using simple and clear wording, we can ensure that our message is communicated with more clarity and less confusion.

- Practice empathy. Try to understand the perspective and emotions of the other person and respond with empathy and understanding. Context matters. Pay attention to the context of what they are trying to convey and its subtext. This way, you will get a deeper insight into the message they are trying to communicate.

- Be mindful of nonverbal cues. Pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions to ensure they align with your intended message. While it is easier to control our tone when we communicate in written form, a lot of tone is lost while writing. So, if you are texting someone, be mindful of that and be open to clarifying what you are feeling when you are trying to say something. To indicate your interest, use positive body language, such as turning toward the speaker, maintaining eye contact, and making intermittent gestures such as nodding.

- Clarify understanding. Summarize or paraphrase what the other person has said to ensure you have correctly understood their message. Never assume. Instead, ask them what they meant when they said something.

- Express yourself assertively. Clearly state your thoughts, feelings, and needs while respecting the rights and boundaries of others. It is important to understand that being assertive does not equate to being rude. One can be assertive while being polite at the same time.

- Use "I" statements. Express your thoughts and feelings using "I" statements to take ownership of your emotions and avoid sounding accusatory. "I need ___," "I feel ___," and "I think that ___" are some great ways to open your "I" statements and take accountability for your personal feelings without shifting blame or making it about the other person.

- Avoid assumptions. Seek clarification when in doubt, and avoid making assumptions about the other person's intentions or thoughts. Assumptions are most often not fully accurate, so it is always best to ask and clarify what the opposite party means or intends to say or do.

- Be respectful and considerate. Treat others with respect, kindness, and consideration, even in difficult or challenging conversations. Remember that how you treat others is a reflection of yourself more than the opposite party, so always make sure to keep your own slate clean, even while dealing with difficult and unprofessional people.

- Practice open-mindedness. An open-minded person is someone who is open to learning and tolerant of ideas and concepts other than their own. Stay open to different perspectives and be willing to consider alternative viewpoints. Being open-minded can also help you learn about different perspectives and points of view. This, in turn, helps you improve your empathy and understanding of the people around you.

- Seek feedback. Encourage open and honest feedback from others to improve your communication skills and deepen your understanding of how your message is received. A person who is not open to criticism and feedback is not open to growth. Without growth, your progress, whether personal or professional, will come to a halt, and you will reach a state of stagnation where it could be hard to do your inner work. Adopting a growth mindset and looking to constantly step out of your comfort zone to improve yourself and your life is usually defined as the first step toward success.

- Practice self-reflection. Reflect on your own communication patterns and identify areas for improvement, such as active listening or managing emotions during conversations.

Managing Sensitivities at Work and in Social Settings

The most important thing to do while managing your sensitivity is to stop taking things personally and understand that not everything is about you, nor does it need to be. Personalization is not just a matter of heightened sensitivity; it is also a cognitive bias. This highlights the importance of weighing facts before making assumptions about situations. It is important to understand that not everyone is out there to hurt you, and as humans, we all make mistakes and say and do things that may end up hurting others unintentionally. So when something like this happens, the best way to approach it is to be open about your feelings and let them know that something they did has upset you. Instead of assuming they did it with intent, a better approach would be to simply ask them why they behaved that way.

Remember the age-old adage, "Speak good or remain silent"? It does have wisdom in it. Remaining silent allows us to take a pause and understand our inner turmoil better in situations when we have been triggered or overwhelmed by emotions. By avoiding reacting to every comment or criticism immediately and taking a pause before responding, we allow ourselves to think about why a person would say something like that and objectively analyze if there is some truth to that statement that needs to be addressed or otherwise.

As a highly sensitive person, it is easy to fall into the overthinking trap and quickly lose grasp of what's realistically possible while simultaneously assuming the worst-case scenario. We need to keep our perceptions realistic and avoid exaggerating scenarios. Catastrophizing is another thinking bias that many highly sensitive people are prone to. It could either be in the form of assuming the worst for oneself or for the future.

We often assume the worst of ourselves because we allow our harsh inner critic to dictate our lives and feelings. However, once we start comparing facts to our negative inner voice, we can see that we have many positive qualities, which makes the harsh words of our inner critic, who assumes the worst of us, untrue. For instance, in situations of conflict in relationships, we often tend to blame ourselves as the reason for the conflict. Instead, we must accept that it is natural for conflicts to arise in any relationship with two different people, whether romantic, familial, or platonic. The same applies to catastrophizing the future.

We often assume that the tiniest of our mistakes is going to snowball into the worst possible outcomes. In relationships, we often confuse conflict with incompatibility. This leads us to believe that the person with whom we have arguments does not love us, or worse, hates us, and that the relationship is doomed to fail. Rather, we can think of it as just another way the other person is expressing themselves, and that with proper communication and conflict management, the two of you can grow closer. Every relationship requires work. We need to understand that in relationships, sometimes our negative feelings can be fueled by our own triggers. Hence, we must learn to identify these triggers and choose not to escalate them. We can do this by practicing emotional regulation and taking a short break during conflicts or other emotionally charged situations while communicating to our partners that it would be better for us to revisit this later with a much calmer approach. This kind of communication not only helps us reach solutions instead of blowing the conflict out of proportion but also conveys to the other party that we are seeking the same.

Too often, we allow our feelings and circumstances to control us and drive our behavior. We feel helpless because, in all probability, we have put ourselves in positions of helplessness by allowing external factors to control our reactions. Although, as HSPs, our feelings seem to have a mind of their own and spiral out of control, we can still control how we address these feelings and how we react to the triggers that cause them. So, we must learn to take back control by recognizing our ability to change reactions and thoughts. One way to do this is by staying focused in the present and avoiding overreacting to the triggers by keeping our attention anchored to what's happening at the present moment and deciding the course of action accordingly.

We all seek emotional support from our partners. That's what relationships are for. However, that should not be the only way we find emotional support and validation. It is important to value your own approval instead of seeking validation from others. We can do this by developing our self-awareness and values and by aligning ourselves with those values. In this way, we have confidence that we are living lives that align with our core principles, and this motivates us internally to stick to them.

Maintaining Intimacy as an HSP

As an HSP, it is always tricky to maintain intimacy. While we feel things intensely and love our partners deeply, we often have trouble expressing those feelings. To add to that, our need for distance and solitude may exacerbate our partner's feelings of being unloved. This is why effective communication plays a key role in maintaining intimacy for highly sensitive people. Some of the ways to do this are:

- Communicate openly. Express your feelings, needs, and boundaries to your partner, fostering a deeper understanding of each other.

- Create a safe space. Establish an environment where both you and your partner feel comfortable sharing vulnerabilities and emotions without judgment or criticism.

- Prioritize self-care. Take care of your own emotional well-being to prevent overwhelm and maintain a balanced state, allowing you to show up fully in the relationship.

- Set boundaries. Clearly communicate your limits and needs, ensuring that your emotional and physical boundaries are respected within the relationship.

- Embrace quality over quantity. Focus on the depth and quality of your connection with your partner rather than solely on the quantity of time spent together.

- Honor sensitivity. Recognize and appreciate your heightened emotional sensitivity as a valuable trait, allowing you to form deeper emotional bonds and create more meaningful intimacy.

- Practice self-compassion. Be kind and understanding toward yourself, acknowledging that your sensitivity adds richness and depth to your relationships.

- Seek mutual understanding. Encourage open and empathetic dialogue with your partner, striving to understand each other's perspectives and emotional experiences.

- Engage in activities that deepen emotional connection. Explore activities together that foster emotional intimacy, such as engaging in deep conversations, sharing personal experiences, or engaging in shared hobbies or interests.

* * *

CHAPTER SUMMARY

- For highly sensitive people, communication plays a key role in navigating relationships.

- HSPs need to communicate their unique needs and feelings with their partners to establish trust and understanding.

- Highly sensitive people can face unique challenges in their relationships because of their need for more boundaries and solitude than others.

- HSPs can overcome these challenges by communicating their needs with empathy and using statements that take responsibility for their feelings without assigning blame.

- Emotional regulation and communication often go hand-in-hand for highly sensitive people in establishing and sustaining healthy relationships.

- HSPs can learn to communicate and respond to situations better in their workplace and personal lives by recognizing and overcoming their negative thinking patterns.

- Highly sensitive people need to balance self-care and boundaries with open communication and activities that establish deep connections with their partners to improve the quality of their relationships.

Now that we have established the fifth pillar of thriving as a highly sensitive person—effective communication—let us move on to the next—sparking our intuition.

6

SPARKING YOUR INTUITION

Never apologize for trusting your intuition—your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.

ANONYMOUS

One of the most fascinating aspects of being a highly sensitive person is our heightened intuitive sense. Although most people can relate to having a gut feeling at some point in their lives, whether it is a sense that something wonderful may come their way or something dreadful may come to pass, it is more prevalent in HSPs. It could be in the form of a vibe from a person or a sense that something is inevitably going to happen. Although this can sometimes be a disadvantage for HSPs because they cannot explain it, harnessing this untapped potential and channeling it to improve our lives can help us achieve wonders. Let us delve into this unique talent and explore ways to make it work in our lives as HSPs.

THE SCIENCE—YOUR GUT FEELING: AN INTUITIVE SCIENCE

For the longest time, everything to do with intuition was regarded as pseudoscience. But too many people had experienced it for it to be completely brushed off as "non-existent" or simply a figment of the imagination. At best, it was just categorized as dumb luck. Now that psychology, scientific technology, and devices have advanced enough, the study of intuition has found a newfound interest in the minds of researchers who have made remarkable strides in studying this incredible phenomenon.

According to modern science and psychology, our intuition, or gut instinct, is the result of our body processing information it receives at deeper levels of our consciousness. This may be at a subconscious or unconscious level of awareness. Either way, after the information is processed, the brain sends the results back to us in the form of subconscious cues—thoughts, feelings, or physical responses (Cozolino et al., 2021). It is a bit like our involuntary reflex mechanism, but on a larger scale. When it activates our reflexes, it processes more information than our nervous system does.

Most of the time, we do not have access to these channels of information consciously. They may be subliminal messages conveyed to us through our social interactions or mass media. They could also be other people's beliefs and opinions. Even when we think we are completely dismissing someone's opinion, our brain is busy trying to integrate that into its vast network of subconscious information and checking to see if it fits in the puzzle somewhere. However, highly sensitive people have very "loud" nervous systems that tend to amplify every stimulus that they receive. Because of this, it is easy to brush off or ignore the tiny voice coming from our gut when we are overwhelmed. How many of us have thought, in hindsight, that we have made bad decisions when we were under a lot of pressure or some other form of overwhelm, while the red flags for the said decision were present all along? Some of us may have even ignored our gut feelings because we didn't trust ourselves enough or didn't have a logical explanation for it.

The thing to remember is that intuition is exactly that. It transcends the normal, logical, cost-benefit analysis that we all do to come to a conclusion or make a decision about something. Almost all known theories of decision-making involve a rational application of your knowledge and information to get you to weigh all your pros and cons before arriving at a decision. But intuition does not involve listing out all the advantages and disadvantages. This is because such a decision-making process takes too much time. Our intuition is an evolutionary instinct that has evolved to allow us to make quick decisions when we need to, in order to help us survive a challenging environment. Since the nervous system of highly sensitive people is frequently in survival mode, they inevitably have a stronger and more frequent sense of intuition than other people.

This intuitive sense or gut feeling could be in the form of changes in heart rate, hormonal activity, or involuntary muscle tone in our body. It could also be accompanied by a sense of feeling elated or fearful, as if something wonderful or dreadful is about to happen. As HSPs, it is crucial that we learn to tap into these feelings and use them to level up our potential. But to do that, we would also need a way to measure our current level of intuition, find tangible ways to improve it, and then measure the improvements as well. It turns out that science has recently discovered exactly how to do both.

Previously, in the early days of research on intuition, although it was established that our intuition is a result of our brain processing information at deeper levels of consciousness and signaling the results back to us, we had no way of quantifying it. This is because most of the previous studies around intuition relied on self-assessment questionnaires. These surveys required people to answer how they were feeling when they made certain decisions, rather than a third, unbiased party setting up a methodical experiment that yielded observable results and using the data gleaned from them. So essentially, these questionnaires only reflected people's own feelings and opinions of intuition rather than any actual data.

For the first time, researchers devised a technique to measure intuition and found evidence that people can use their intuition to make faster, more accurate, and more confident decisions (Nierenberg, 2016). Through this study, they established the existence of intuition and that it can be measured in quantifiable ways. They did this by establishing a control group of about 20 college students. They were shown black-and-white images of dots moving around on one half of their computer screens and asked to guess if the dots were moving to the right or left. As soon as the students made a decision, they were shown a bright, flashing square of color on the other half of their screens. The researchers randomly embedded subliminal images into these bright flashes. These images were meant to trigger an emotional response from the participants. It could be a positive response—with an image of a puppy or a baby—or a negative response—with an image of a gun or a snake. Moreover, the images flashed for such a brief period of time that the participants were not consciously aware that they were seeing them. This is because the images were meant to simulate the kind of signals that our brain processes while shaping our intuition. They were too short to be consciously perceived and emotionally charged.

The observations from this experiment revealed that when the participants were shown positive subliminal images, they performed better on their test. This means that they identified which way the dots were moving faster, more accurately, and more confidently. The results also revealed that the students got better at using their intuition over a period of time. The researchers concluded that just as people got better at using their critical thinking skills as they used them more, they could also become better at trusting their intuition when they used it more frequently over a period of time.

This opens up a world of possibilities in various areas where individuals in key decision-making positions could be trained to use their intuition to advance their careers or improve the growth of their organizations. For example, the US military is looking for ways to improve their soldiers' intuition to help them make quick decisions on the battlefield in high-stakes and high-pressure combat scenarios (Mysoor, 2017). Similarly, it could also be used in other high-pressure situations that need quick responses, such as for the upper management at workplaces to predict a trend before anyone else does and give their product or services a competitive edge or sense an issue with an ongoing deal. We will discuss some strategies that work for all genders in the strategy section, but first, let us take a look at how women have the potential to have a heightened sense of intuition.

Women and Intuition

According to Dr. Judith Orloff, MD, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and author of Guide to Female Intuitive Health and The Empath’s Survival Guide, scientists believe that intuition operates through the entire right side of our brain, the brain’s hippocampus, and through the neurons in our digestive system, which has now come to be known as the gut-brain axis (Mysoor, 2017). She works with female executives who seek her help to develop their intuitive sense. These women have accepted their intuition as their gift and seek to use it in all their workplace decisions as well as to guide them in their corporate journey to becoming good leaders and organizers.

Women seem to have an edge in the matter. To understand this, we must first understand the basic structure of our brain. Our brain comprises gray matter and white matter. The gray matter consists of brain cells that store and process information. The white matter is the connective tissue that connects the left and right hemispheres of our brains. This white matter is also known as corpus callosum (Mysoor, 2017). Now, the reason why women score extra brownie points for intuition is because of the biology of their brains. Their corpus callosum is thicker than men's (Mysoor, 2017). This means they have more pathways between their right and left brain hemispheres. This, in turn, means that, in women, the two hemispheres are connected by a superfast highway that allows better integration of our right-brained emotions and intuition with our left-brained logical and decision-making processes. Women are also more likely to accept their emotions subconsciously because of the cross-cultural leniency toward them in regards to displaying and expressing their feelings. This means that their brains have a higher probability of integrating their intuition and empathy with their logical and reasoning abilities (Mysoor, 2017). As a result, although men also have great potential for intuition, women have a marked biological advantage when it comes to using and developing their intuitive sense.

Some of these stories about different women (and men) experiencing and acting on their hunches to achieve remarkable results are discussed in the next section.

THE STORY—MY GUIDING LIGHT

A woman opened a floodgate of stories and experiences when she described her experience on social media about going by her gut feeling, which ended up saving her life. She talked about how she heard "a voice" that told her to hold back even when the traffic light had turned green, and moments later, a car sped across the intersection because that other driver had run the red light. If she had driven ahead like normal, she would have been in a terrible accident (Gurley, 2020).

She then encouraged her social media followers to share similar experiences, and they had the most interesting stories to tell.

One woman, who was barely 16 when her car flipped over black ice, experienced a similar "voice" that advised her to relax her body. She did, which led to minimizing the impact of the crash on her body and her walking away from the accident alive (Gurley, 2020).

Another woman had a terrible feeling about a trip she was about to take with her mom just two weeks before vacation day. She kept on persisting and insisted so strongly on her hunch that the duo decided to postpone the trip. On the day they were supposed to leave, they received news that the plane they would have potentially boarded if they had gone on vacation had crashed (Gurley, 2020).

Yet another woman saved her aunt's life by following a hunch that she should invite her aunt to hang out with her, even though she knew that her aunt might be sleeping at the time. It turned out that her aunt had a seizure while they were on their date, which would have ended in her death had she been alone at the time (Gurley, 2020).

Another woman went to a mall to eat lunch every single day. One day she had a feeling that she should not, so she decided against it. Later that afternoon, there was a mass shooting at the mall that she used to frequent, in which eight people were killed (Gurley, 2020).

One woman recounted an incident that took place during her childhood. While she was on a cruise ship with her family, she was playing by the pool, and her mom decided to head back to the room. However, call it mother's intuition, but she decided midway that she would stay with her daughter. Just moments after she returned to the little girl, the ship began to tilt, and the girl almost slid off the deck. Luckily, her mother was around to save her (Gurley, 2020).

Another woman spoke about a bath time incident and how she never checks the water before getting into her bathtub. But one day, she just decided that she should, and it was a good thing she did because it turned out that the water had been electrocuted because of an issue with the electric wiring in her home. If she hadn't checked the water first, she may have ended up receiving a fatal shock (Gurley, 2020).

The day before 9/11 happened, one woman had a bad feeling and told her mother not to go to her office, which happened to be in the building right next to the World Trade Center (Gurley, 2020).

One man spoke about an incident that took place in his childhood at his family home in the countryside. He was walking around the house when he suddenly felt the urge to simply stop. A moment later, a bullet soared through the wall where he would have been had he continued to move (Gurley, 2020).

One woman related an incident that occurred while she was bridge jumping with a friend. She said that she got the feeling that they should wait for a while before jumping. As it turned out, that action—or rather, inaction—of theirs prevented them from jumping onto a boat that was in their blind spot at that moment. They realized it only after the boat passed under the bridge and came within their sight (Gurley, 2020).

Yet another woman recalled how she kept forgetting things at home as she was about to leave. This resulted in her starting out much later than she had planned, and she worried she would be late to her destination. However, it became a bigger blessing in disguise as she realized she narrowly missed being involved in a devastating accident that had occurred near her home just around the time that she was supposed to leave, had she stuck to her schedule (Gurley, 2020).

A woman related how, one night, she felt compelled to sleep in her bedroom, even though she was uncomfortable with the high temperature in the room. Although her living room was much cooler, and she knew it would be more comfortable, she had a "feeling" that she couldn't sleep there. It turned out that it was a life-saving feeling as a car crashed right into her living room, destroying it and everything in it later that night (Gurley, 2020).

Another woman recalled a childhood incident that happened while she was at the beach with her parents. She had warned her mother not to swim in the water because she was really afraid that a shark might attack her. Her mother obliged her, even though they rarely had shark attacks at their beach. However, they later found out that two people had been bitten by sharks the very day they went swimming (Gurley, 2020).

One man recalls how his intuition helped him make an important business decision. He narrates that he was organizing an industrial exhibition in 1998, and despite their best efforts, the stall booking was less than 50% due to the recession. Since it would be a financial disaster to continue with the expo, his business partner voted that they should simply cancel, but his intuition told him that they should postpone it, and he convinced his partner to do it. They decided on a later date, and it turned out to be a success, teaching him to rely on intuition when logical decisions are divisive (Biswas, 2020).

These are all people who decided to go with their hunch, even if they could not explain the apparent benefit that formed the basis of their decision. You can do it too, successfully, if you work on developing your intuition and trusting your instincts. Some of the ways to do this are discussed in the next section.

THE STRATEGY—BUILDING UP YOUR INTUITION: ALL THE TIPS THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

This section guides you in ways you could improve your intuition and harness this gift to make decisions that benefit you.

15 Ways to Cultivate Intuition

Some of the ways to cultivate your intuition as a highly sensitive person are:

- Create space for quiet reflection. Set aside regular time for solitude and silence to allow your mind to quiet down and your intuition to surface.

- Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and gut reactions in different situations, trusting the initial impressions that arise.

- Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a great way to enhance your sensitivity to subtle intuitive cues and signals.

- Listen to your body. Tune in to the physical sensations and bodily responses that arise when making decisions or navigating situations, as they can provide valuable intuitive guidance. As a highly sensitive person, you will have a heightened response to all five senses, which will translate to your sixth sense as well. Paying attention to your physical senses and improving your awareness of sensory stimuli will also improve your intuitive awareness.

- Seek stillness in decision-making. Before making important choices, take a moment to pause and tune in to your intuitive sense, allowing it to inform your decision-making process.

- Reflect on past experiences. Review and reflect on past situations where your intuition proved accurate or guided you effectively, learning from those experiences. By understanding when your intuition gave you a positive or negative feeling, exploring what it felt like, and trying to tap into that feeling in future intuitive situations, you can tune in to your intuition more effectively.

- Engage in creative activities. Participate in creative endeavors such as art, writing, or music, as they can help access and strengthen your intuitive capacities.

- Write down your thoughts, feelings, and insights regularly, allowing your intuition to flow freely onto the pages.

- Practice self-trust. Cultivate self-confidence and trust in your own inner wisdom, valuing and honoring your intuition as a valid source of guidance.

- Embrace curiosity and open-mindedness. Adopt a mindset of curiosity and exploration, remaining open to new perspectives and possibilities that your intuition may bring forth.

- Notice synchronicities and signs. Pay attention to meaningful coincidences, patterns, and signs in your daily life, as they can serve as intuitive guidance or confirmation.

- Seek solitude in nature. Spend time in nature, allowing the serene and grounding environment to deepen your connection with your intuition.

- Reflect on your dreams. Pay attention to your dreams and consider their symbolism and messages, as they can provide insights and intuitive guidance. Both intuition and dreams stem from the subconscious mind. Your dreams can be a window to your intuition. The other thing to consider is that our conscious mind often drowns out our intuition. This can especially happen for highly sensitive people, who often experience overwhelm. However, the brain never completely rests, and it continues to send us those important cues when it feels less repressed. Dreams act as an outlet for our subconscious mind to tell us what we missed when we were conscious.

- Practice patience and nonattachment. Allow your intuition to unfold naturally by being patient and avoiding attachment to specific outcomes or expectations.

- Regularly check in with yourself. Take moments throughout the day to pause, breathe, and check in with yourself, listening to any intuitive nudges or insights that may arise.

Now that we have learned how to improve our sense of intuition, let us see how we can leverage it to make decisions that benefit us.

How to Use Intuition to Make Decisions

Some of the ways to use your intuition to make decisions are:

- Cultivate self-awareness. Develop a deep understanding of your own thoughts, feelings, and values, which will provide a foundation for intuitive decision-making.

- Trust your gut instinct. Pay attention to the initial feelings or impressions that arise when faced with a decision, and trust your intuitive sense.

- Listen to your body's wisdom. Notice any physical sensations or reactions that occur when considering different options, as they can provide valuable intuitive guidance.

- Quiet the mind. Create space for stillness and silence to allow your intuition to surface, quieting the noise of external influences or overthinking.

- Seek clarity through reflection. Take time to reflect on the decision at hand, allowing your intuition to provide insights and perspectives that may not be immediately apparent.

- Consider the long-term implications. Use your intuition to consider the potential long-term outcomes or consequences of each decision, beyond immediate gratification or short-term gains.

- Balance intuition with rationality. While intuition plays a valuable role in decision-making, it is also important to consider rational factors and gather relevant information to make well-informed choices.

- Test your intuition. Start with smaller decisions and observe the outcomes to build trust in your intuitive abilities. Reflect on whether your intuition proved accurate or guided you effectively.

- Practice patience and nonattachment. Allow your intuition to unfold naturally, and be patient with the decision-making process. Avoid forcing or rushing decisions when intuition may still be emerging.

- Learn from past experiences. Reflect on past situations where your intuition led to positive outcomes and consider how you can apply those lessons to current decision-making.

- Seek validation. Discuss your decision with trusted individuals who understand and respect your intuitive approach, gaining insights and perspectives that can help validate or challenge your intuition.

- Embrace flexibility. Remain open to adjusting your decisions if new information or insights arise, recognizing that intuition can guide you toward adaptable and evolving choices.

- Practice self-trust. Cultivate confidence in your intuitive abilities by acknowledging and celebrating times when your intuition has served you well in the past. Trust yourself and your intuition's guidance.

* * *

CHAPTER SUMMARY

- Intuition is one of the most important gifts that a highly sensitive person has, and that can prove to be a great asset in helping us navigate the world.

- Intuition, also known as gut feeling, hunch, or sixth sense, is an unexplainable feeling that a person has about some other person or event.

- One can improve their intuition by meditating, regularly checking in with oneself, paying attention to patterns and dreams, and so forth.

- One can use their sixth sense effectively by trusting themselves, charting their sixth sense, developing self-confidence, balancing their intuition with rationality, and using past experiences to test it.

- Intuition was previously regarded as pseudoscience, but it has now been scientifically proven to exist and is even measurable.

- Intuition is thought to be a right-brained process that involves quick thinking rather than analytical reasoning.

- Researchers are on the lookout for various ways to improve a person's intuition in a measurable way and help them apply it in high-stakes or high-pressure situations.

Now that we have learned how to channel our intuition, let us next learn how to find the proper channels that can serve as outlets for our overwhelm.

7

ON HIGH SENSATION SEEKING

Just like there's always time for pain, there's always time for healing.

JENNIFER BROWN

We have now learned about almost every aspect of being a highly sensitive person and how to live fruitfully as one. However, one aspect remains—that of high sensation seeking, also known as HSS.

High sensation seeking is a phenomenon in which an individual feels the need "to seek out new, intense, or complex experiences" (Yuan, 2019). Such individuals may even be willing to take risks to experience them. But one might ask how it is relevant to HSPs and why a highly sensitive person who gets so overwhelmed by the tiniest of stimuli would go about seeking such experiences. Well, what can I say? Humans are complex beings. Personally, I like to think of it as an HSP-specific stimulant (Psychology Today Staff, n.d.). Except in this case, they are in the extremely lucky position that their favorite dope is perfectly legal. I guess living in a non-HSP-centric world does have its benefits after all.

So let us dive deeper into what high sensation seeking is and how highly sensitive people can find healthy outlets if they want to seek intense stimulation.

THE SCIENCE—HSS AND HSP

High sensation seekers are drawn to experiences that will give them a rush of new and unique sensations, feelings, and experiences. However, not every high sensation seeker is highly sensitive, and vice versa. It is estimated that about a third of those with high sensitivity are also high sensation seekers. Since these traits are considered opposites, people who fall under this subset come with a unique blend of seemingly contrasting personality traits.

One of the major signs of a highly sensitive person who is also a high sensation seeker is frequent burnout, even if you can't figure out why. If you feel that you are constantly craving stimulation but it keeps resulting in you feeling drained and exhausted, this may be the reason why. In this case, you might want to consider exploring the possibility that your choices and decisions fall into the HSS category. For an HSP, stimulation must be balanced by periods of healing and recovery. Without this balance, you are prone to allowing your tendency to seek a sensory high to take over and drive you to a state of emotional and mental fatigue and exhaustion.

Another quirk that comes with being both an HSP and an HSS is bursts of creative energy that seem to make you restless if you do not let your inner creative out through proper channels. If you have the endless urge to create and find yourself always trying new art forms and other creative outlets, you might want to consider the possibility of being both HSS and HSP. If this is you, then you may also be prone to losing yourself in your mind's world. You might have bursts of inspiration and ideas that seem wonderful, but then the next one comes along and you have lost your train of thought. In such cases, consider having a pocketbook or a note-taking app on standby that can help you preserve your thoughts and ideas.

Another trait observed in individuals who are both HSPs and HSSs is that they have seemingly opposite interests and hobbies. Sure, you like your high-octane amusement park rides and loud music at parties. But at the same time, you also like your alone-time activities, such as solving puzzles or painting. You seek to experience both the thrill of adventure as well as the alignment of your life with your core values. You may often find people wondering how you have such starkly different interests, as the former requires you to go all out with your social energy, and the latter requires you to embrace your solitude.

Although highly sensitive people can be both introverts and extroverts, surprisingly, 90% of HSPs who are high sensation seekers are introverts (Yuan, 2019). Of course, it is possible for high sensation seeking HSPs to be extroverts, but it is just extremely improbable. This may come as a shock to most people, as high sensation seeking is often believed to be concomitant with extroverted behavioral traits. You might end up as easily drained by being alone for too long as during a social engagement. This could get a lot of people questioning the truth about your introversion, and it might feel as if they are being dismissive of your reality. But remember that there is nothing wrong with you. You are just a person who has some depth to their personality, and there is nothing to feel bad about that.

Another thing that you may experience as a high sensation seeking HSP is mood swings. Since the baseline energy levels and baseline emotional states of a high sensation seeker and highly sensitive are on the opposite side of the intensity spectrum, it is common for you to experience mood swings with you being full of energy one moment and then just feeling under the weather the next moment, leaving people wondering, what just happened? Of course, as a highly sensitive person, you readily soak up other people's energy, and this could also affect your mood without you even knowing how or why. However, being a high sensation seeker may add to the frequency of that if you seek the company of people to satiate your high sensation seeking tendencies.

As a power-packed combo of HSP and HSS, your intensity may sometimes scare people, and because they do not understand where it comes from, they may write you off as "too much." Sometimes, people may also think of you as having behavioral issues because you are willing to go above and beyond for the things that matter to you, where most people would just quit. But know that a lot of people in this world like to put others down for doing something simply because they don't see themselves being able to do it. So remember that this is more a reflection of who they are than an indicator of your abilities. The world needs people who give it their all and give it their best in everything they do and for everyone they care about.

As a high sensation seeking HSP, you crave fun in your life and want to avoid boredom at all costs. You're not the person who likes to stay in bed all day on their weekends. Instead, you'll find the latest book from the franchise you have been waiting for or binge on the TV series you've watchlisted for scenarios like this. And you may rarely want to watch or read the same thing again because it does not give you the same joy as it did the first time around.

Your pet peeves are the mundane, routine tasks that make you feel like you are working like a factory drone, and you'll do anything to avoid them. Despite this, you feel like your life is a constant tightrope walk between boredom and overstimulation, and even the tiniest shift can destroy the delicate equilibrium you have achieved.

HIGH SENSATION SEEKING IS NO JOKE

High sensation seeking is often confused with risk-taking behavior. However, this is far from reality. Sure, high sensation seekers may disregard the risks associated with the experiences they seek out. However, the risk is not their primary motivation; the sense of adventure, the thrill, and the excitement of experiencing something they have never experienced before is. High sensation seekers do not necessarily seek out experiences that have an element of risk. They are happy to seek out novel experiences that carry low-risk value too, such as reading a new book, watching a new series, or going out with their friends to a new hangout.

Risk-taking behavior, on the other hand, is sought out by individuals who are primarily motivated by the risk factor, even if the experience does not necessarily bring them any joy. Some of their behavior or actions may also carry an element of self-harm or self-sabotage, which is what makes them clearly unhealthy and undesirable and also sets them apart from high sensation seeking. For instance, risk-takers may make financially risky decisions in their business because they get a thrill out of it, even if they know there is a high chance they are going to watch their money and resources burn. It is the low probability of success that motivates them. A high sensation seeker will not indulge in this type of risk-taking as they are mostly focused on maxing out their sensory stimuli, and this kind of behavior has nothing to offer them in this regard.

Now one may ask, why do the HSPs, who would ideally always want to be calm and in a stimulus-free environment, seek out the exact opposite of what gives them that peace? Well, the answer may lie in their brain chemistry and how it responds to their uniquely wired nervous systems. It turns out that in high sensation seekers, the brain releases more dopamine and less norepinephrine than in low sensation seekers (Psychology Today Staff, n.d.). In HSPs, this offers them a unique added advantage as their nervous systems are more sensitive to these dopamine hits and experience them more intensely. This combination of high thrills with a lower-than-usual stress level may be the reason why highly sensitive people can become high sensation seekers.

However, it has to be noted that this is not a choice or a way of life they have decided to pursue because of external influences or peer pressure. They are not trying to be trendy or cool by doing this. This is who they are, and this is what they need to regulate themselves. This is evidenced by the fact that high sensation seeking has been observed even in children who have not been introduced to the concept of FOMO (Willard, 2023). Some of the high sensation seeking behaviors that have been noted in HSP-HSS children are body movements like hand-flapping, hair twirling, and so on; waving or placing objects near the eyes; applying pressure to certain parts of their bodies or squeezing themselves; chewing on objects or clothing, and so on. If you look back at your own childhood, you might have had some of these.

Some other symptoms of sensory seeking behavior in children are:

- The child may like to jump off high places like playground equipment, furniture, staircases, etc.

- The child may try to find new ways of sensory input, such as running their fingers through another child's hair, feeling a need to touch the walls while walking across rooms, rubbing pieces of fabric, and so on. They may also be keen on smelling different objects and want to get close to things to figure out how they smell.

- They may always be super active and moving around. They may love to jump, give tight hugs, throw things around, slam into walls, and so forth. They may feel most comfortable on the trampoline or in their bouncy castle.

- They may have trouble sitting still because they become very bored as well as uncomfortable while doing that.

- Since they are always on the move, they may end up accidentally hurting people or breaking things. If you feel like you have a bull in a China store, then maybe it's time to consider the possibility of HSS.

- Along with being on the move, they may also have a pattern to their movements. You may find them frequently trying to sit upside down, swinging, or spinning.

- Although most sensory seekers can be extremely coordinated, if your child keeps getting hurt often, you may need to observe them more closely to find out how it is happening.

- They may love slamming or crashing themselves into things like walls, bean bags, pillows, cushions, and so on.

- They may not even notice when or where they got hurt.

- They may have an unusual measure of dexterity and balance and rarely get hurt, even though they engage in risky movements and activities.

Some of the reasons why children, or even adult HSP-HSSs, may indulge in sensory-seeking behavior are:

- Your child may be a thrill-seeker. They may have no problems with their motor skills and body coordination, but rather, they may lack the self-control to be still, resulting in frequent movement or stimuli. This may just be the result of attention deficit, hyperactivity, or simply boredom.

- They are gifted. Gifted children are naturally more sensitive than others, so they may be more prone to sensory seeking behavior. Think of their nervous system like a lightning rod in a storm. Every bolt of lightning gives them a sense of thrill and joy instead of pain. So they crave more and more of these exciting experiences. Some of them may only feel happy while they are performing daring stunts or jumping on a trampoline.

- They may have issues with their motor skills and sensory awareness. In this case, there may be issues with their nervous system that make it difficult for them to process the information from their physical sensory organs. So they may end up doing things like, say, jumping repeatedly off high places even after they hurt themselves badly.

- They may have poorly developed sensorimotor perception (Willard, 2023). This means they may have issues with balance, movement, and coordination of their limbs. So they may appear clumsy and uncoordinated. They may hurt themselves easily and have frequent falls, but not on purpose. It is because such people genuinely struggle with identifying their body space and end up bumping into walls while walking down the halls, hitting their heads on low doorways, or, in the case of children, on top of tunnel slides. Such children generally have two major issues:

- issues with vestibular processing: The vestibular system is primarily for "maintaining the orientation of head and body in time and space, along with the auditory and visual systems" (Willard, 2023). It is responsible for motor control, the pace of movement, and calculating our body's position in three-dimensional space. Children who have issues with vestibular systems miscalculate the space between themselves and other objects because they are unaware of how much space they are occupying.

- issues with proprioceptive processing: The proprioceptive system is mainly responsible for body space awareness. So if your child is struggling with this, they may often have trouble identifying where their body is compared to their surroundings. They may be slow to achieve their coordination and motor milestones, like crawling, walking, and running, because their bilateral control system isn't as functional as the rest of us.

Now that we know the possible underlying causes of this behavior, let us see how it impacts them and everyone around them.

Thrill-seeking can be allowed as long as the individuals who are affected find opportunities to seek out healthy outlets for it. Some examples are amusement park rides, skate parks, and bouncy castles. Trouble arises when thrill-seekers start finding avenues that are outside the bounds of the law or partake in life-threatening stunts.

Another challenge is that potential caregivers and parents may not understand the cognitive overload generated in their minds. Most of us do not have to think about how close everything around us is to us, how our legs are placed, or if we are about to bump into anything. When these skills do not come automatically, they need to be learned and constantly occupy a mindspace that would not have been needed otherwise. This overwhelms the thinking brain and leads to what scientists have started calling "cognitive overload." They spend so much time thinking and coordinating their own bodies with respect to their environment that their brains become too overwhelmed to think about the basic tasks they were actually meant to do.

A third challenge is when children who are high sensation seekers display behaviors that others may consider strange. For example, they may reach out and pet their desk neighbor in class. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, if the opposite party is very mindful of their personal space while the child continues to pat them, they might start to find it annoying.

Sensory seeking behavior in children is not necessarily a disorder and does not necessarily need to be addressed unless there is a foreseeable danger of the child harming themselves or others around them. Before seeking or offering help, it also needs to take into account the values of the family in which the child is being raised, individual preferences, and the severity of the behavior.

Some accounts of high sensation seeking children and the challenges they pose to their parents are recounted in the next section.

THE STORY—SENSATION SEEKING

Here are the stories of two parents who have high sensation seeking children.

Molly's Story

Emily is worried that her daughter, who is about to start school, may be labeled as a "problem child," although she knows for a fact that this is not the case. According to her, her toddler, Emily, is just high-energy. She states that her daughter has super high energy from the time she wakes up and is not a child who would take up a task and sit still through it. However, once she has released all her energy, she is a completely different child—she cleans up after herself, lets herself get dressed, and so on. Molly placed her in a program designed for high-energy children, in which she has been thriving because they allow the children to run around, explore, and exercise for a while. So once Emily is done with class, she gets her shoes and jacket and holds her mother's hand in the parking lot. However, before the class, when she is still full of energy, she is very restless.

Paul's Story

Paul recounts how one of his son's thrill-seeking adventures went terribly wrong. Jake, his son, decided to climb up a grocery store wall with some of his friends and sit on the roof to take pictures that they planned to upload on their social media. Their adventure was cut short by neighbors who called the cops on them. When the officers came calling, they told the boys that they had been trespassing and that they needed them to call their parents. When Paul asked his son what exactly he was thinking, he answered, "I just wanted to see what it was like up there."

Sometimes, for thrill-seekers, what they think is harmless fun can end up leading to issues with authority figures if they have not thought things out properly. This is why it is important to have healthy outlets, some of which are discussed in the next section.

THE STRATEGY—OUTLETS FOR STIMULATION: NO NEED TO HIDE YOURSELF!

Some of the healthy outlets for stimulation for high sensation seeking individuals are:

- Engage in physical activities. Participate in sports, exercise routines, or outdoor adventures that provide opportunities for physical movement and sensory stimulation.

- Explore creative pursuits. Channel your energy into artistic endeavors such as painting, sculpting, writing, or playing a musical instrument to engage your senses and express yourself.

- Connect with nature. Spend time in natural environments, such as parks, forests, or beaches, to immerse yourself in the sights, sounds, and textures of the natural world.

- Seek out thrilling experiences. Engage in activities that offer a sense of excitement and adventure, such as zip-lining, bungee jumping, or roller coaster rides, to satisfy your craving for sensory stimulation.

- Experiment with sensory play. Try activities that involve different textures, sounds, or tactile experiences, such as playing with kinetic sand, exploring sensory bins, or experimenting with musical instruments.

- Discover new flavors. Explore diverse cuisines and try new foods that offer a range of flavors, textures, and sensory experiences.

- Engage in sensory-focused hobbies. Find hobbies that allow you to engage your senses, such as gardening, cooking, photography, or aromatherapy.

- Attend events and festivals. Seek out events, festivals, or cultural gatherings that offer a vibrant and stimulating atmosphere, providing opportunities to engage with various sensory experiences.

- Practice mindful exploration. Engage in mindfulness exercises while exploring your surroundings, paying attention to the sensory details and sensations of the present moment.

- Create a sensory-friendly environment. Design spaces in your home or work environment that incorporate elements that stimulate your senses, such as soft lighting, soothing music, or scented candles.

- Practice self-care. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and rejuvenation, such as taking warm baths, practicing meditation or deep breathing exercises, or indulging in soothing massages.

- Prioritize rest and downtime. Allow yourself time to rest and recharge, providing a break from excessive sensory stimulation and allowing your body and mind to relax and rejuvenate.

* * *

CHAPTER SUMMARY

- High sensation seeking is a phenomenon in which individuals seek out thrilling experiences for the sake of experiencing something new.

- Unlike risk-takers, who are motivated by the amount of danger to their well-being, thrill seekers or high sensation seekers seek experiences for their novelty.

- Although HSPs seem to be always aiming for the opposite, HSPs can also be HSSs.

- People who are highly sensitive and simultaneously high sensation seekers can have a myriad of seemingly contradictory personality traits.

- It is important to note that high sensation seeking is more than a choice or behavior to get attention.

- High sensation seekers can be of all ages, both children and adults.

- Both children and adults can learn to manage their HSS tendencies with the proper coping techniques.

Now that we have learned about the different aspects of being a highly sensitive person, let us wrap up by revisiting the insights that we have gained from it.

CONCLUSION

When you started reading this book, you may have been dealing with overwhelm, confusion, and not knowing what to do with it. This book has given you so many of the answers you seek. It has taught you what it means to be highly sensitive in a world that is not and how to navigate it using the gifts that come with being a highly sensitive person.

From the first chapter to the seventh, each one has introduced and taught us a much-needed skill to thrive and grow as a highly sensitive person. In the first chapter, we learned the biology of sensitivity and how our nervous systems are different, causing us to be more sensitive than others. We learned about the roles our peripheral nervous system and its subdivision, the autonomic nervous system, have to play in our heightened sensitivity. We have explored the lives of people who have lived a majority of their lives with heightened sensitivity and seen how it has negatively affected them when they lived without self-awareness. We have explored ways to develop this self-awareness by identifying and embracing our unique traits as gifts instead of burdens.

In the second chapter, we have explored how the non-HSP-centric world can feel chaotic to a highly sensitive person and how the age of the internet has only served to increase that exponentially. We have seen how highly sensitive people can be more affected than others in this era of information explosion because of their heightened sensitivity to external stimuli. We have strategized how we can prevent this from taking over our lives by employing coping mechanisms to counter the phenomenon. We have also delved into ways of managing stress and anxiety induced by the information overload. We have learned how to create a supportive environment and accept ourselves as highly valuable individuals who can be great contributors to society.

In the third chapter, we have learned how to embrace ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally by prioritizing our own well-being so we can better show up for the people we care about. We have explored self-care practices that are specific to highly sensitive individuals and how these self-care practices help to improve our lives. We have seen how the lives of fellow HSPs have improved by embracing self-care, prioritizing their own well-being, and not sacrificing it perpetually to avoid disappointing other people. We have learned about a holistic self-care experience for the mind, body, and spirit. We have learned about boundaries, what they are, and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries for the sake of our well-being. We have learned about healing activities as part of our self-care routines.

In the fourth chapter, we have studied how our brain chemistry affects our emotions and how that, in turn, can affect our behavior. Although it may feel like the system is rigged against you, this chapter demonstrates how we can take back control of our biology and self-regulate. This is also illustrated with some personal anecdotes about how self-regulation enabled me to do better in life and in my relationships. This chapter showed us how we can do better at emotional intelligence to improve the way we express ourselves and manage our emotions. We learned the four main components of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social skills. It also included a step-by-step method to improve our emotional intelligence. This chapter also introduced us to diaphragmatic breathing and progressive muscle relaxation techniques.

The fifth chapter explores how relationships play out with highly sensitive people and how they can navigate the tricky situations that may arise. It gives insights into the things that can generally go wrong with relationships when you are a highly sensitive person, why they go wrong, and what you can do to prevent them from going wrong. It also highlights the importance of communication skills, which are imperative to the success of every relationship, HSP or not. Some anecdotes help to drive home this phenomenon. This section opens up a discussion about effective communication strategies and how we can use them to improve not only our romantic relationships but also our professional and platonic ones. It also includes a section on maintaining intimacy when you are a highly sensitive person.

The sixth chapter talks about one of the most incredible and precious gifts that highly sensitive people have been blessed with—their intuition. It explains how intuition, when used properly and nurtured with care, can be a powerful tool in steering us to success. It highlights the underlying biology and brain chemistry that form the basis of our intuition. It also details how scientists, using the latest technological advances, have come up with a way to measure intuition and are now conducting research on how one can improve it to apply in their lives. It talks about different people who have recalled crucial moments in time when their intuition came to their rescue. It discusses strategies to build your intuition from the ground up and help you listen to your inner voice, followed by the different ways you could apply it in your life to make better decisions.

The seventh chapter concludes with a lesser-known aspect of high sensitivity—high sensation seeking. This is important as a sizeable portion of people with high sensitivity (about a third) are also high sensation seekers. It explains how a seemingly undesirable phenomenon for most highly sensitive people (sensory stimulation) is sought after by a third of highly sensitive people who find it exhilarating. It explains why they seek sensory stimulation and enlightens us about the signs of people who are both highly sensitive and high-sensation seekers. It explores how this is not a fad or a passing trend, but rather, this is a personality trait that cannot be helped, just like being an HSP is. Since it is an inherent trait, it hands out the tools and techniques to people who fall under this subset, detailing their unique biology and what they can do to overcome its limitations and maximize its benefits.

All in all, this book is designed to show you that being an HSP can be rather challenging, but for the most part, being an HSP is a gift—you just have to know how to use it. And if Nicole Kidman can be an HSP and be successful, so can you (Financial Express, 2019)! So get ready to embrace yourself and write your own success story where you are the protagonist.

Being an HSP can put you face-to-face with some of the most difficult challenges ever. But at the same time, being an HSP is a gift. It’s part of what makes you different, special, and overall a shining light in this world. Even on days when it’s hard, remember that you have something unique that no one can ever take from you. Plus, you now have the skills to transform that gift into something much more beautiful than you ever dreamed.

So, what are you waiting for? Get out there and do your best, keep your head up, and embrace your gift. And if you liked the book and found this helpful and relatable, remember to leave a review.

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