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Title Page

Wild, Wicked & Wanton

101 Ways to Love Like You’re in a Romance Novel

Christie Craig & Faye Hughes

Bestselling Romance Authors

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright

Copyright © 2010 by Christie Craig and Faye Hughes

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, LLC

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-60550-059-3

ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-059-1

eISBN 10: 1-4405-0718-X

eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0718-2

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

Dedication

Dedicated to all the Keepers who inspired this book . . . and to all the Creepers who taught us lessons along life’s path that prepared us to find true love and our true romance heroes

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1. Keepers and Creepers

Heroines Recognize the Difference . . . Eventually

Chapter 2. Taming the Bad Boy

Sometimes It Takes a Bad Girl to Do It

Chapter 3. Fiends, Friends, and Family

Secondary Characters Who Can Wreak Havoc with Your Love Life

Chapter 4. Tap Into Your Intuition

(With or Without Your Magic Eight Ball)

Chapter 5. Seduction and Sex 101

Why Romance Heroines Never Have to Fake an Orgasm

Chapter 6. The Other Women

How to Harness and Exploit Your Jealousy

Chapter 7. Revenge!

Settle the Score Like a True Romance Heroine

Chapter 8. Secret Babies and Resurrected Lovers

Dealing with Emotional Firestorms

Chapter 9. Heartbreak’s Ability to Kill You

How to Overcome and Move On after Ex-Mr. Wonderful Walks Away

Chapter 10. Happily Ever After—

Or How Jayne Finally Found Her True Romance Hero

Appendix: The 101 Ways to Love

About the Authors

Acknowledgments

Our heartfelt appreciation to: Our agents, Kim Lionetti of BookEnds LLC and Caren Johnson Estesen of Caren Johnson Literary Agency for believing in us; our editor Chelsea King, without whose support this book wouldn’t have been possible; to our families—Steve, Steven, Nina, and Jason; and to our friend and critique partner, Jody, for going above and beyond the call of duty.

We thank you all.

Introduction

The Real Reason Romance Heroines Always Get Their True Hero (And How You Can, Too!)

Have you ever wished you knew the secret to having it all? You know the secrets we’re talking about, right? The secret to finding Mr. Wonderful—a man so wonderful that you can’t remember the last time you had to fake it. The secret to building a relationship that works—a feeling that will have you walking taller, smiling brighter, and speaking your mind with no regrets.

Or have you ever wanted to rewrite a chapter of your romantic life that didn’t work out so well, or maybe plot the next chapter a bit better than you did the last so you can find your Mr. Wonderful? Stupid questions, huh? What woman hasn’t wished that she had that kind of power?

As romance writers, we’ve given the whole question of romance a comprehensive study. And by “comprehensive study,” we mean that we have analyzed, dissected, poked fun at, and even tossed romance in the laundry—and not the gentle cycle, either. We had to. After all, it’s our job. Romance novels may be all about the happy endings. But happy beginnings? Well, not so much.

Our heroines face it all in the course of our books: bad lovers, cheating exes, weight problems, dwindling bank accounts, morning breath, pushy mothers, cellulite, bad hair days, lingering childhood traumas, and occasionally a lack of dark chocolate during the wrong time of the month. Then, just to make sure life isn’t too easy (read, boring) for our heroines, we sometimes toss in a few of the more difficult hurdles. You know, things like secret babies, once presumed dead but now miraculously alive ex-lovers, and one or two unidentified dead bodies in their showers or the trunks of their cars. Depending on our moods or our own lack of chocolate, we might even add in a few serial killers, a vampire cult, ancient curses, and/or a case or two of amnesia. But no matter what we toss in our heroines’ paths, they always manage to get their men—and their happy endings. As authors, we have to make sure of it. Why? Well, for one thing, our readers demand it. Plus, we kind of like things that way, too.

Okay, we know what you’re thinking. Yes, romance novels aren’t real and neither are the obstacles our heroines face in the pursuit of a lasting relationship, but you can still learn a lot from a romance heroine. We’re even banking on the fact that you can learn a thing or two from a couple of romance writers who spend hours every day putting their characters into bad situations and then giving them the tools they need to get out of them.

What kind of tools you ask? Well, tools like a purse-sized Smith and Wesson, a bottle of demon acid, or the head of a chicken to nix a curse. But there are other attributes we give our heroines to help them deal with all the relationship crap. We’re talking about courage, strength, wisdom, and some good ol’ kick-ass gumption. Our heroines don’t wish they had said something, they say it. They don’t sit around and fret about their problems, either; they set out to fix them. They dig deep within themselves, discover their hidden strengths, and write their own happy endings. And couldn’t we all use a little bit of their wisdom to deal with our real lives and with real men?

So with that premise in mind, how can you love like you’re a romance heroine? (With or without the attacks from the vampire cult, the surprise arrivals of secret babies, or that serial killer.) We have a few ideas. (Okay, a lot of ideas.) And we hope that this book will inspire a few ideas of your own about how to overcome relationship hurdles, deal with miscellaneous man mayhem, and maybe, just maybe help you write a few wonderful chapters of your own romance novel.

So, let’s get started. Assume for a moment that you’re our heroine. We’re going to call you . . . er, her, Jayne. Now, we need to give Jayne an identity and a brief history that helps explain why she is the way she is. (In fiction, we call that a back story.) Jayne is an ordinary woman in a lot of ways but she’s extraordinary in her approach to love and life. Jayne is about your age. She’s also roughly your height and weight—and, no, she won’t admit to her weight any more than you would.

Jayne is single. She’s had her heart broken a few times but she’d still like to believe that true love exists (and not just in romance novels, either, thank you very much). As the litany of assorted ex-boyfriends and ex-fiancés begin, we should also point out that Jayne isn’t a slut even though this book makes her look as if she’s dated every eligible—and a few not-so-eligible—men in North America, along with a couple of foreign imports. (After all, after starring in a few thousand romance novels, a girl does gain a lot of back story.) So believe us when we tell you that Jayne’s a good girl . . . except when she’s bad.

Anyway, knowing what we know about Jayne, we started to wonder just how she would react in certain situations. For example, what lessons will she learn from surviving a broken heart? Just what will she say to her slime ball of an ex-boyfriend when she finds him bumping uglies on her sofa with her next-door neighbor? How will she react when she learns that her new live-in boyfriend forgot to tell her about his six-month-old baby daughter? (That would be the one he’s refusing to support financially, by the way.) And—oh, this one is especially important—how will Jayne tap into her inner strength to survive all the craziness of dating until she finally meets her true romance hero?

But most of all, what can you learn from Jayne? Read on to find out!

Chapter 1. Keepers and Creepers

Heroines Recognize the Difference . . . Eventually

Poor Jayne. Like most heroines, she’s had a few romantic mishaps over the years—everything from the misfortune of having dated compulsive liars and serial cheaters to losers who ran up her credit cards and left her holding the tab.

Okay, on second thought, maybe her experiences have been more like big, freakin’ romantic disasters rather than simple mishaps. Part of Jayne’s problem, and part of the problem that every other woman on the planet will probably face sooner or later, is that it’s so dang hard to tell the good guys from the bad guys . . . or the Keepers from the Creepers.

But you’ve got to hand it to our romance heroine. Jayne does figure it out.

Well, eventually, anyway.

That Stuff Only Works in Romance Novels

Jayne wasn’t looking to fall in love when she agreed to accompany her girlfriends to a local nightspot. But then she met Alex, a sexy enigma wrapped in six gorgeous feet of yummy male testosterone. The man was so hot, a casual brush of his hand against her cheek made her pulse race faster than her Aunt Dora did at a half-price sale.

Jayne could tell that Alex knew it, too, so when he asked her out, she didn’t even try and play hard to get. On their first date, he took her to one of the city’s nicer restaurants. Great food, good wine, even better conversation. He told her he wanted to know everything about her, and she must have chattered on about herself for an hour or more, but he seemed enthralled, captivated even. But when she asked him questions about himself, he skillfully redirected the conversation back to her.

“I want to see you again,” he whispered into Jayne’s ear when he dropped her off back at her apartment.

She said yes.

But then, what other choice did she have?

Jayne felt more attracted to Alex than she had to any other man in a long time. Maybe too long. Alex could turn her on simply by smiling at her and when he kissed her—oh, when he kissed her—every ounce of resistance vanished as quickly as her clothes.

But the longer they dated and the closer they grew, the less Alex was willing to share anything about himself. And it wasn’t that he just didn’t give her details about his past romances. Nope. He wouldn’t even tell her the basics . . . such as his home phone number, where he lived, or even what he did for a living. Even after dating him for three months, Jayne knew just as little about him as she had on the night they’d met, which wasn’t a whole heck of a lot.

Honestly, she’d met shy guys before but this was ridiculous . . . especially since Alex didn’t particularly seem to be the shy type. Should Jayne ignore her niggling doubts about Alex and trust him with her heart? Or is his reticence to share the basics a reason for her to put the brakes on this relationship?

Tips from Jayne

1. If He’s Keeping a Secret, It’s a Safe Bet It Won’t Be Anything Good.

Whether it’s a crazy wife locked in the attic of his country estate or the fact that he’s a 400-year-old vampire with commitment issues, boyfriends with secrets almost always spell trouble. So, as delectable as Alex may seem, Jayne’s going to take a pass. And woe to him if he tried to pull any of that “If you truly loved me, you would trust me” crap on her, too! Jayne is no idiot, even if Alex is acting as though she is. Trust is something that must be earned. Besides, the most likely reason that Alex isn’t willing to share his home phone number or address is because he doesn’t want her phoning or dropping by unexpectedly. The man is hiding something from her . . . like a wife and kids or something even worse. And honestly, who needs that kind of drama?

2. Never Let Passion Blind You to the Truth.

Okay, so Alex is as sexy as sin and he knows just how to get Jayne’s engines revving, but is that enough to compensate for his being Mr. Mysterious? For Jayne, the answer is no. As good as Alex makes her feel when they’re together, she knows better than to let her emotions blind her to the truth: Namely, that he is keeping secrets, and one of those secrets could wind up biting her in the butt.

Call it self-preservation or just plain ol’ common sense, but the thing is that Jayne’s posterior still sports some barely healed scars from the Creepers of the past who took a chomp out of her, and she has no desire to add another set of teeth imprints to the collection. So, while her body may be saying “Yes” to all of Alex’s charms, her brain is saying, “Oh, hell, no!” Sorry, Alex.

3. Bottom Line, a Keeper Strives to Make You Feel Secure.

And Alex’s refusal to share his personal info with Jayne is designed to do the polar opposite. Why won’t he give her his home phone number? Is he married and just playing her? Single and playing her? Or is he a secret agent whose life—and our nation’s security—depends entirely on keeping Jayne in the dark about his personal life?

Eh, who cares? The truth is that all scenarios can lead to major emotional trauma for Jayne, which makes Alex more of a Creeper than a Keeper.

Words to Love By

Keeper: The rarest among men, a Keeper is the one who can see you at your absolute worst—say in bed with the flu or after a visit to your dysfunctional family’s Thanksgiving horror fest—and still call you the next day.

A Smart Girl Never Forgets

Jayne was running late for work when she got a call on her cell phone from Mark, an old live-in boyfriend—and a really good-looking old boyfriend at that. Mark wanted to talk and asked if Jayne could meet him for a drink that evening. Now, ordinarily, Jayne would have asked Mark how he had managed to crawl out from the slime pit where she’d condemned him after their breakup six months earlier, but she was still thinking about being late for work, so she’d agreed to meet him. Probably not her wisest move that day.

Why? Well, for starters, the call had her thinking about Mark all day. Jayne remembered his smile, remembered the good times they’d had together, and conveniently forgot all of the bad parts of their relationship. (Selective memory can be a dangerous thing, especially when it comes to ex-boyfriends.)

Jayne got to the bar a little early and had already downed a glass of cabernet by the time Mark got there. He was just as gorgeous as ever . . . and just as seductive, too. They spent a few minutes doing the usual chit-chat and then he told her why he’d called. He wanted a second chance. He said he knew he’d broken her heart the last time but he assured her that he’d learned his lesson. He even swore that he’d undergone a miraculous transformation from Creeper to Keeper. Jayne, who had been having a particularly long dry spell where men are concerned, wanted to believe him—did we mention that the man is a total hottie?

Then he reached over and took her hand in his. “I miss you, Jayne,” he said, and his voice sent shivers of reawakened desire through her. She remembered how good he was in bed. How good his mouth felt against her skin. How his touch made certain body parts beg for mercy. Unfortunately, that selective memory of hers was about to get her into some serious trouble. Jayne was remembering a lot except for the one thing she needed to remember most: why they broke up in the first place.

You see, what Jayne is temporarily forgetting is that her next-door neighbor also thought Mark was good in bed . . . or good on a sofa, because that was where Jayne had caught the two of them doing the humpty dance in her own damn living room. And because she had tossed both his clothes and her sofa out onto the sidewalk in front of her apartment building, Mark had to scurry downstairs naked and pick up his tightie-whities before they went up in flames when she set fire to the sofa, prompting visits from both the fire department and the police.

So, what does Jayne do? Does she give Mark a second chance, or does she punch him—hard—in the gut and send him back to that slime pit?

Decisions, decisions . . .

Tips from Jayne

4. Once a Creeper, Always a Creeper.

One of Jayne’s favorite holiday movies is A Christmas Carol , especially the scene at the end where Ebenezer tries to right all of the wrongs he’s committed against his family, his employees, and the world at large. Yep. Ebenezer Scrooge’s cinematic redemption is great stuff, and it always brings a tear to Jayne’s eye. But as much as she loves the message behind the movie, she’s just not buying into Mark’s claim that he’s a changed man. For one thing, talk is cheap. It’s actions that truly count, and Mark hasn’t done much to prove his case, except smile that sexy smile of his and tell her how much he wants her back—while trying to undo her bra strap.

And another thing, Creepers just don’t magically transform into Keepers. That requires a whole lot of effort on their part. (Not to mention a house call in the dead of night by three spirits determined to make them see the error of their ways.)

So, it’s back to the slime pits for Mark.

5. Don’t Confuse a Mistake with a Character Flaw.

When Jayne was younger, she used to have trouble telling the difference between a mistake in judgment and a character flaw. Now she knows better. Mistakes can be corrected while character flaws are usually permanent.

To put it another way, a mistake is deciding to carry all seven bags of groceries into the house at once, thereby not being able to pull the front door firmly closed after you and letting the cat—who’s in heat and looking for action—slip out. Mistakes are caused by a momentary error in judgment. They are an “Oh, shit!” moment, and it’s a safe bet that that particular mistake will only happen once. On the other hand, a character flaw—like cheating—is caused by a defect in the person’s DNA and can happen repeatedly.

Think of it this way: When people cheat, they make a deliberate, and selfish, decision to put their needs first, regardless of how their actions might affect others. When Mark decided to cheat on Jayne, and in her own apartment where she likely could—and did—catch them in the act, well, let’s face it, he was only thinking about himself . . . and scratching a mutual itch he shared with her next-door neighbor. What’s more, once a man has cheated, he’s probably going to do it again . . . and again.

So, why the heck would Jayne ever want to give him a second chance to cheat on her? She wouldn’t, so say good-bye, Mark.

6. Some Sins Are Unpardonable.

Jayne’s all for forgiving and forgetting, and she’s not likely to carry a grudge for long, no matter how egregious the offense. (Just ask her older brother Jack. Jayne was even able to forgive him for decapitating all of her Barbies when he was a soulless twelve-year-old.) But there are some offenses she just can’t forgive, some sins that are flat-out unpardonable. Like cheating with her neighbor on her living room sofa.

Why couldn’t Mark hit on the overly endowed waitress at Hooters if he wanted to cheat? Why did he have to go and hook up with Jayne’s next-door neighbor and do the deed in Jayne’s own apartment?

Honestly, the only thing that could possibly be worse would be for him to cheat on her with a family member or close friend.

The simple truth is that Mark doesn’t respect boundaries. While Jayne might have been able to forgive him for cheating on her—“might” being the operative word—she’ll never be able to forgive him for the who and where of his infidelity.

Words to Love By

Creeper: A Creeper is a garden slug masquerading as a man. This specimen is the antithesis of a Keeper.

Get a Second Opinion

Always open to new adventures, Jayne let her best friend Lisa talk her into signing up for a night of speed dating when a local radio station sponsored a singles’ night at a popular downtown bar. In between sips of chocolate martinis, they each met a total of ten men, whom they only had seven minutes to get to know before the buzzer sounded and they had to move on to the next “date.” When Jayne and Lisa compared notes later, they agreed that they’d both had a blast, Jayne especially because she’d met a potential Keeper named Eric, who was a financial planner for one of the city’s top firms. In fact, Eric was the only one of the ten men she’d met that Jayne wanted to have a real date with, and she asked the event’s organizers to pass along her contact info.

To say that Lisa was surprised about Jayne’s choice would have been an understatement.

“Maybe we met two different Erics,” Lisa said, because the Eric she’d met had given her the creeps.

But no, they’d met the same man. And regardless of Lisa’s impressions of him, Jayne thought Eric had been charming and handsome, so when he suggested they get together the following weekend, she agreed.

It didn’t take long for Jayne and Eric to become serious. Everything should have been perfect. After all, everything about him—his looks, his personality, even his well-paying job—practically screamed, “Keeper!” Well, everything, that is, except the little things . . . like how he still totally creeped out Lisa, although Lisa didn’t know why. Or like how he sent Jayne’s normally purring cat Muffin into a hissing frenzy every time he dropped by.

And then there was the too-weird-to-be-believed encounter Jayne had with Eric’s ex in the ladies’ room of their favorite restaurant. The woman had patted Jayne on her shoulder and said, “Save yourself,” and then calmly walked out of the restroom. What was that all about? It’s almost as though the universe was trying to send Jayne a message that Eric was bad news, but should she listen?

What do you think?

Tips from Jayne

7. Take Off the Blinders and See Him Through Your Friends’ Eyes.

It’s natural for Jayne to want to be protective of those warm fuzzies that Eric makes her feel but love—not to mention lust—can sometimes blind a person to the truth. That’s where friends come in.

Jayne has known Lisa for years. They’ve shared everything from the very good stuff to the very bad, and Jayne can trust Lisa to not let her go out in public with spinach stuck to her front teeth or wearing a pair of jeans that makes her butt look bigger than the Goodyear blimp. So why would Lisa steer Jayne wrong about Eric? She wouldn’t.

Lisa’s not sure why Eric is triggering her Creeper alarm, but he is, and Jayne is smart enough to listen to her friend’s intuition. Jayne’s not kicking Eric to the curb—well, not yet, anyway—but she is going to move their relationship forward with more caution than she had before. Remember, forewarned is forearmed.

8. Animal Instincts Are Sometimes More Accurate Than Our Own.

Jayne loves watching all of those pet psychic shows on cable but she’d never schedule a session to help her communicate with her five-year-old calico Muffin. Why should she when Muffin makes herself perfectly understood at all times? Muffin loves tuna, would take a pass on her annual visit to the vet if she had the choice, and absolutely, positively hates Jayne’s new boyfriend, Eric.

What makes it especially strange is that Muffin normally likes people. But from the moment Eric first leaned over to pet Muffin, the cat raised its hackles and hissed as though Eric were a flea-infested junkyard dog. Naturally, Jayne apologized, but now she’s eyeing Eric with a lot more suspicion than before. And who could blame her? If this were a paranormal romance novel, Eric would probably end up being a card-carrying member of the undead who has something especially nasty planned for her.

Just as with Lisa’s instinctual dislike of Eric, Jayne is not going to end her relationship with her new heartthrob because her cat doesn’t like him, but she is having second thoughts. After all, animals are usually great judges of character. Muffin could be seeing some major flaw in Eric’s character that hasn’t come to light yet. And when added to Lisa’s feelings of unease, things aren’t looking so rosy for Eric’s future with Jayne.

9. Sometimes the Ex Is the Only One with 20/20 Vision.

“Save yourself,” the woman had said. Sure, it could have just been a case of a bitter ex hoping to get revenge on the man who did her wrong, but it sounded more like a heartfelt warning than post-breakup bitterness. Plus, if Eric’s ex was looking for revenge, wouldn’t she have said more? Wouldn’t she have done more?

Probably.

Jilted lovers are rarely subtle.

Still, Jayne knows it’s always a tricky proposition when you try to gauge the honesty of comments from a new boyfriend’s ex. But Jayne figures if the woman is saying that he cheated / ran up her credit cards / kicked her dog and might do the same to Jayne, the woman may be on the level. (As opposed to, for example, calling Jayne a skanky ho-bag for stealing her boyfriend.) That’s why Jayne is going to file away the warning from Eric’s ex . . . and reconsider her first impression of Eric as a Keeper.

What Not to say

“I don’t care that he cheated on his last five girlfriends, two of whom were twins. He didn’t love them the way he loves me, so I know things will be different this time.”

The Real Difference Between Creepers and Keepers

Yep. Jayne has had her fair share of romantic mishaps over the years but she doesn’t regret any of her experiences. Each misstep taught her a valuable lesson about herself, about life in general, and most especially about men. What’s more, her romantic misadventures helped her sharpen her skill at distinguishing the Keepers from the Creepers.

Do you think you’re ready to do the same?

Tips from Jayne

10. Always Remember That a True Keeper Puts Your Needs First.

Jayne’s learned the hard way that, if asked, every man will tell you that he’s a Keeper. In fact, if he’s actively trying to get you to take off your panties, he’ll probably tell you anything he thinks will work. But a true Keeper is more likely to show you that he’s worthy of your love through his actions. And for Jayne, the one action that says “Keeper” the loudest is in the way a man puts her needs ahead of his own.

For example, a Keeper will sit through a three-hanky chick-flick because he knows it was the movie you wanted to see. A Keeper will also take you out to that new Latin fusion restaurant you’ve been dying to try, even though he’s more of a meat-and-potatoes, stay-at-home kind of a guy. And a Keeper actually listens to you when you talk because he’s interested in what you have to say. In short, a Keeper puts you first . . . because he knows you will undoubtedly be doing the same for him.

11. Never Doubt That You Deserve the Very Best.

Like most women, Jayne sometimes finds it hard to be nice to herself. And by “being nice,” we mean having a relationship with a Keeper who will cherish her as opposed to a fling with a Creeper who will chip away at her self-esteem and self-confidence.

Crazy, huh?

But sometimes Jayne, like a lot of other women, is her own worst enemy, especially when it comes to choosing a man.

It starts innocently enough. She meets a man—a good-looking man who professes to care about her—they settle into their relationship and then, the criticisms begin. It’s little things at first. He’ll tell her that she’s put on some weight and asks if she’s sure she wants to have that piece of pie or suggest she try another hair color when he knows the one she has is natural. Or he’ll chip away at her self-confidence by gawking at other women when he should be noticing her. Soon, Jayne begins to doubt herself, and worse, she begins to believe all of the crap he’s spoon-feeding her.

What utter nonsense! Jayne—just like you—deserves the very best in life, which includes a Keeper of her own.

Here’s hoping that you can make decisions as wise as Jayne’s when finding yours.

Chapter 2. Taming the Bad Boy

Sometimes It Takes a Bad Girl to Do It

Let’s hear it for the bad boys, shall we? Sexy, dangerous, and guaranteed to make a good woman want to go bad—and love every luscious moment of it—bad boys have always had a special place in Jayne’s heart. We suspect she’s not alone in feeling that way, either. After all, what woman hasn’t wanted to throw caution and convention to the wind and give in to her most carnal desires because of a too-sexy-to-resist bad boy?

Maybe you were in high school and he was the hot guy from home room who had a car that went too fast and a smile that made you want to ditch school and take a ride with him on the wild side. Or maybe he was that gorgeous hunk in a local rock band you met in college, the one with too many tats and smoldering eyes that seemed to peer inside your very soul while he peeled off your bra with one hand and held a beer with the other.

Bad boys fuel our fantasies because we know that no matter how rough their exteriors may be, there’s a scared little boy hiding inside them that can melt our hearts—because bad boys, unlike genuine Creepers, are really just wounded, lost souls in search of that one good woman who can save them from themselves. Ah, but getting past their bad boy facade to their warm gooey center can be a challenge, even for the most intrepid heroine. Sometimes being a good girl isn’t enough. In fact, when it comes to taming the heart of a bad boy, sometimes it might just take a bad girl.

There’s Just Something about a Cowboy

It was lust at first sight when Jayne met Jett, a former championship bull rider and current owner of the hottest Country and Western club in town. But who could blame her? Jett was tall, ruggedly handsome, and had a body so buff it could make a woman drool. They met at a charity auction—or rather, they met when Jayne won a date with him in an auction of the city’s hottest bachelors. The auction had been set up to help fund some worthy local charities, and Jayne had originally gone to the event to support Lisa, who wanted to bid on a hunky chef. Lisa changed her mind when she hooked up with one of the event’s organizers, but when Jayne saw Jett, she couldn’t resist the temptation. Sure, it had cost her a whole month’s salary but Jett was worth every penny. Plus, he was even tax-deductible. Talk about a win-win.

Jett was a perfect gentleman when they were introduced on the night of the auction, but there was no mistaking his attraction. “I hope I’m worth all the money you paid for me, ma’am,” he said with a sexy Texas drawl. Jayne felt her toes begin to tingle. Heaven help her but she did have a thing for cowboys. Maybe it was the way their jeans hugged their butts, or their sexy swagger, or maybe it was just that whole tipping of their hats and saying “ma’am,” thing. Whatever it was, Jayne just wanted to take a cue from that song about saving a horse and riding a cowboy—especially a cowboy named Jett.

Giddyup!

Their auction “date” led to dozens of other real dates, and lots of nights spent down at his club as “Jett’s auction girl.” Jayne didn’t mind—she loved spending time with her cowboy, even if all they were doing was crashing on the sofa and watching TV. Still, they had plenty of nights out—they caught some of the latest movies, ate a lot of dinners, and even spent a whole Sunday at Jett’s stable where he tried to teach her how to ride a horse, with “tried” being the operative word. (That means she’d fallen on her butt instead of mounting her horse, which had Jett laughing his boots off.) Still, she’d scored major points for giving it a try. The important thing was that they had fun together, and as for the sex, well, that was incredible.

In fact, the only downside to dating Jett and being his “auction girl” was that Jayne knew she wasn’t his “only” girl. Nope. Not even close. Her cowboy was a bad boy and he had a whole slew of naughty cowgirls in his stable hoping for the chance to slap a saddle on him, too. Now, if Jayne and Jett were just having a fling, it wouldn’t matter. But Jayne’s lust is morphing into something deeper . . . and infinitely more dangerous.

Should Jayne tell Jett she wants more from their relationship—and possibly risk having him riding off into the sunset—or should she just keep quiet and enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts?

Tips from Jayne

12. The Only Way to Get What You Want Is to Ask for It.

Okay, here’s the thing. Jayne learned a long time ago that the best way to succeed in life is to identify your goal and then set out to attain it. Part of that attainment process involves stating your goal to the people who matter. That means, if she wants a better table at a restaurant, she tells the maitre d’. If she wants a promotion at work, she tells her boss. And if she wants a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend? Well, that means she tells Jett.

That’s why Jayne sat him down and told him that she wanted to take their relationship to the next level. Jett, being happily single—hey, the man wasn’t named one of the city’s hottest bachelors for nothing—sputtered on about how great he thought things were going between them and that he didn’t think they should “mess things up” now.

That’s okay. Jayne was expecting him to be a little resistant to the idea of monogamy. But she told him what she wanted, and that is the first step toward getting it.

13. Set Your Own Rules for the Relationship.

With Jett looking as though he wished he were anyplace other than sitting there having the “State of Their Relationship Chat,” Jayne knew she had to take control of the situation or risk losing him for good. And so she did.

She told him she liked him— really liked him—and she wanted to continue seeing him, but that their relationship had to change and evolve. Jayne wanted exclusivity. She was tired of being just his “auction girl.” She wanted to be his only girl. If Jett cared about her and if he wanted to continue to be with her, then he needed to agree to make their relationship exclusive. And if he didn’t? Well, then Jayne would miss him.

What Not to say

“I don’t have enough confidence in my self-worth to demand that my boyfriend stop sleeping with other women and make a commitment to me. I’m just not pushy like that.”

Negotiate Your Terms—And Explain the Perks of Exclusivity.

Jayne is no fool. She saw how increasingly uncomfortable Jett was becoming with their conversation and she quickly assured him that she was not trying to pressure him into making a commitment beyond an agreement to be monogamous. And that could be a good thing for both of them. For one thing, it means they get to have sex on a regular basis.

And when they have all of that sex—great sex, mind you—on a regular basis, Jett wouldn’t have to wear a condom. After all, Jayne uses birth control, so the issue of an unwanted pregnancy has been addressed. Once they are exclusive, and therefore “safe,” he’d be able to ride bareback. (Hey, Jayne likes sex but she also likes staying healthy so she always insists her boyfriend wear a condom until they agree to practice monogamy.)

Jett, who likes sex—and Jayne—agreed to her terms and sent all of his other cowgirls back to the corral.

15. Proceed At Your Own Pace . . . Or Not At All.

Yep, monogamy with a bad boy in a Condom-Free Zone can be a lot of fun. But after a couple of months, it became clear that Jayne and Jett weren’t meant to last. Well, not long-term, anyway. In the beginning, Jayne had worried that Jett might miss the freedom of dating other people. Not so. In fact, Jett liked the whole exclusivity thing so much that he told Jayne he wanted to move their relationship up another level. He asked Jayne to move in with him.

Jayne had a decision to make. On one hand, she cared for Jett. She cared for him a lot, but her “like” hadn’t yet graduated into “love.” And she’d begun to wonder if it ever would. So, Jayne did the honorable thing. She told Jett she couldn’t move in with him because she wasn’t there yet. While she wished she could hurry and catch up with him, she knows she can’t do that. She has to move at her own pace . . . or not at all.

But he will always be her favorite cowboy.

Words to Love By

Condom-Free Zone: A Condom-Free Zone is that stage in a relationship when you both agree to be monogamous, you both get tested, and then dispense with the use of condoms while using contraceptives to prevent pregnancy.

Where Was Jayne When the Lights Went Out? She’ll Never Tell

Jayne had been wishing for a new next-door neighbor ever since she walked into her apartment and caught her live-in boyfriend—now her unlamented ex-boyfriend—having torrid sex on her sofa with her neighbor. (What a nightmare that had been!) Jayne finally got her wish when the old neighbor moved out and Michael, a sexy, bad boy detective with the local police department, moved into the empty apartment.

Michael intrigued her, and not just because he seemed to have a steady stream of beautiful women wandering in and out of his apartment with nary the obligatory shouting match such a lifestyle usually generated. In fact, as far as Jayne could tell, Michael’s dates adored him. (His taste in women ran the gamut from blondes to brunettes to redheads. The only common denominator appeared to be that they had breasts, were gorgeous, and didn’t mind dating a man whose average relationship had the life expectancy of a carton of milk.)

Oh, that Michael was definitely a player.

He was also the hottest-looking man Jayne had seen in a long while. His broad shoulders, flat abs, and killer smile sent her imagination into overdrive. When she wasn’t imagining him naked, she found herself wondering just what it was that Michael did to make all the women he dated so happy.

But try as Jayne might to get to know him better, Michael didn’t seem interested. In fact, he acted as though he were trying to avoid her each time they met. Honestly, if she didn’t know better, she’d swear her father had taken him aside and said, “Son, you touch my daughter and I’ll have to hurt you,” just the way he’d done with all of Jayne’s dates back in high school. But her dad was four states away—and he’d finally stopped interfering in her love life years earlier. So, why was Michael sending out those strong “Thanks but no thanks” vibes? She might not have been a supermodel but she could rock a man’s world when she tried, if she did say so herself.

Jayne was beginning to wonder if there was a curse on that apartment or something—hey, stranger things had been known to happen to Jayne, trust us—when Fate finally stepped in. A major transformer blew and their neighborhood was plunged into a 36-hour power outage during the middle of a heat wave. Jayne and Michael found themselves the only ones on the third floor of their apartment building when the lights went out, and they got to spend a lot of time together, as good neighbors should in a time of crisis.

All that neighborly togetherness led to the unleashing of a lot of sexual chemistry. There was no doubt that Michael found her attractive now. He could barely keep his hands off her. And when he kissed her, Jayne was almost certain she felt her clothes begin to melt off her body, especially when he whispered in her ear, “You’ve been driving me crazy for weeks now, Jayne.”

“Hmm,” she shot back. “You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Yeah, and it nearly killed me, too.”

“But why did you—?” Another kiss made the question die on her lips.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he said.

Delicious shivers of anticipation shot down her spine until her toes practically curled in her new strappy sandals.

“You’re such a bad boy, Michael,” she whispered back.

“Is that a problem?” he asked with another sexy grin.

Jayne wrapped her arms around his neck. “What do you think?”

What Michael thought, apparently, was that having his typical no-strings-attached relationship with a neighbor might lead to . . . well, complications. And Michael worked hard to keep his life as uncomplicated as possible. That’s why the sexy cop had a firm rule about not dating anyone he knew from work or home. It was just safer that way. But naturally Jayne had other ideas.

Tips from Jayne

16. If You Believe In It Strongly Enough, Fight for It.

Jayne respected Michael’s rule about not getting involved with people who might “complicate” his life and she even agreed that dating someone who lived next door to you could become an unmitigated disaster if the relationship didn’t end well. But Jayne had her own rules about relationships and her first rule was not to back away when she felt a connection—and the connection she felt with Michael was a strong one. What’s more, she knew he felt it, too.

Jayne wasn’t sure if there were other reasons for Michael’s hesitancy to get involved with her, but she is a big girl. No relationship comes with a guarantee, but that is no reason to avoid ever becoming close with anyone. So, as far as Jayne is concerned, she and Michael should give their fledgling relationship a chance and see where it takes them . . . and that’s why she decided to do everything in her power to fight for what she believed in.

17. Lust Is a Lovely Emotion, Just Don’t Confuse It with Love.

Make no mistake, Michael was a sexy bad boy who deserves major props for knowing how to satisfy a woman’s physical needs, but is great sex really enough to make a woman happy long-term? For some, the answer is “Absolutely!” But for the vast majority of women out there—Jayne included—the answer is a resounding “No.” Having great sex can be a wonderful part of a committed, monogamous relationship, but great sex is a sorry substitute for sharing an emotional connection with another person.

Unfortunately, Jayne probably won’t realize until it’s too late that what she thinks is love is really just a major case of lust. And having to dump Michael after she fought so hard to land him . . . well, that will damn near break her heart. Not to mention his.

Words to Love By

Bad Boy: Sexy as sin and devilishly handsome, a Bad Boy is the man you fantasize about having sex with, rather than fantasize about marrying . . . although sometimes, if you’re really lucky, he can be both.

18. There Is a Huge Difference Between a Bad Boy and a Serial Womanizer.

On the surface, a serial womanizer looks a lot like a bad boy. Both usually date a lot of women . . . and both can leave behind shattered hearts in their wake. But a bad boy can be reformed if he finds the right woman. Not so a serial womanizer.

Womanizers love the thrill of the chase. To them, women are just part of the game, and they will say—and do—whatever it takes to win—a.k.a. seduce—them. Once they “score,” it’s on to the next one.

Give a bad boy a chance to redeem himself and who knows? He might morph into a Keeper right before your very eyes. But if you suspect he’s more of a serial womanizer, then do yourself a favor and cut your losses while you still can. Bottom line, a bad boy can break your heart . . . but a serial womanizer can break your spirit.

It Doesn’t Matter How Big Your Bed Is

Bad boys don’t come any badder—or sexier—than R&B music producer Thomas James, or T.J. as his friends call him. T.J. made tabloid headlines when a XXX home video of him and a certain “it” girl celebutante ended up on the Internet. Rumor had it that T.J. hadn’t been the one who’d leaked the video—no, that had supposedly been his co-star, who was looking for some PR buzz for her upcoming reality series—but it still gave him a well-deserved rep for being a bad boy—and a bad boy with a smoking hot bod at that.

That’s why Jayne recognized him immediately when she spotted him at an after-concert party for a rising pop star—Jayne had been Caller Number Ten on a local radio station’s morning show and scored the special invitation to the exclusive party, otherwise she’d have never been there. She was having a great time, too, brushing shoulders with the rich and infamous. Well, she was until an obviously inebriated party guest bumped into her about an hour later and splashed champagne all over her new outfit. To add insult to injury, the jerk didn’t even apologize, either. That’s when T.J. came to her rescue with a stack of paper towels (for her wet outfit) and a security guard (for the drunken partygoer).

“Some men obviously have no manners,” he said, leaning in close. His rich baritone was as smooth and warm as a shot of good whiskey, but it was the clean, masculine scent of his aftershave that made her feel intoxicated. It crashed over her defenses like a tsunami of desire. No wonder his ex-girlfriend had agreed to do a private video with him. Who could possibly resist T.J., especially when he flashed that bad boy smile of his?

Then he took a couple of paper towels and dabbed at Jayne’s wet shoulder, sending delicious shivers cascading down her spine.

“Are you okay, baby?” he asked.

“I am now,” she said.

They spent the rest of the evening chatting, and Jayne discovered there was a lot more to the bad boy music producer than just a string of gold records, hard abs, awesome tats, and, . . . well, if the video was any indication, amazing stamina. He asked her to join him for dinner the following night and she immediately said yes.

Before long, Jayne had completely fallen for T.J., and she loved sharing his high profile lifestyle . . . not to mention his extra large king-sized bed. Things were going so great between them that when he invited her over to his place for a “special evening together” a few months later, she thought he was planning to pop the question . . . and while he did ask her something, it wasn’t the question Jayne had been expecting.

Far from it, really.

You see, when Jayne got there, she found one of the extras from T.J.’s latest music video sitting in the living room sipping champagne.

“I thought we could spice things up a little,” he said. “You, me, and Melissa. What do you say, baby?”

Indeed. What does Jayne say? Does she join him and Melissa for a threesome or does she walk out on what could possibly be the love of her life?

Tips from Jayne

19. Experimentation Can Be a Lot of Fun . . . As Long As It’s What You Want.

Okay, it should be noted that Jayne has starred in her share of erotic romance novels over the years, so being asked to have a threesome isn’t anything especially shocking for her. In fact, under the right set of circumstances, Jayne thinks it can be a fabulous thing.

But this wasn’t an erotic romance novel and Jayne knew that having a ménage à trois wasn’t a decision a couple should make without a lot of soul searching and discussion beforehand. For some people, bringing another person into the bedroom might have the same impact as adding a few sex toys to their lovemaking routine—just a little harmless pleasure for both of them to enjoy. But for many others, it can lead to feelings of jealousy and insecurity. For Jayne, having a threesome wasn’t an option she wanted to explore with T.J.

Although she was angry that T.J. made the decision to invite Melissa to join them without clearing it with her first, Jayne decided to keep her cool. “Sorry you came over here for nothing, Melissa,” Jayne said, “but I’m just not in the mood for extra spicy tonight.”

Then, once they were alone, Jayne told T.J. why his “special evening” was a bad idea and recommended that he not ever suggest it again. Unfortunately, T.J. didn’t see things the same way Jayne did.

“You know, I don’t get you sometimes,” he said. “You say you want to be with me but, baby, variety is a big part of my world. Now, if you love me as much as you say you do, you better start proving it before I start walking.”

20. Only a Creeper Will Resort to Emotional Blackmail to Get What He Wants.

When T.J. told Jayne she needed to prove her love to him by having a threesome or risk his walking away from their relationship, she nearly lost it. And by “lost it,” we mean punched him right in the nose. Seriously, was the man certifiable, or what? Since when did agreeing to have sex with him and some chick he picked up from one of his video shoots “prove” she loved him? It didn’t.

If anything, her agreeing to do something she didn’t want to do just to make him happy and keep their relationship going would only prove she had low self-esteem . . . and that he was a Creeper who wanted to exploit her insecurities in the worst way possible.

And that’s just what she told him, too . . . right before she walked out the door.

What Not to say

“Sure, I’m a little uncomfortable fulfilling your fantasy of having sex on a trampoline with a pair of very limber conjoined twins and a donkey named Jorge, but that’s okay. After all, your pleasure and comfort level are the one ones that matter in our relationship.”

21. Don’t Be Afraid to Remain True to Yourself.

Yes, T.J. was one wickedly sexy man and Jayne did love him. However, she ultimately realized that she loved herself more, which is why she wasn’t afraid to stand up to him when he tried to bring Melissa into their relationship. After all, Jayne knows herself better than anyone else, including T.J. She did the right thing. She remained true to herself and didn’t compromise her principles. That’s a moral victory, even if it did cost her a boyfriend.

But then, what kind of a boyfriend makes that kind of a demand on his girlfriend? Certainly not one that Jayne wants, that’s for sure. So, goodbye, T.J., and good riddance.

Honestly, What Is It about Those Bad Boys, Anyway?

Oh, those bad boys with their sexy grins, knowing winks, and to-drool-over hard bodies. They can charm the panties right off a girl if she’s not careful. Of course, nobody knows that better than Jayne, who has lost more than her share of underwear—granny panties and thongs, alike—to the impossible-to-resist allure of a bad boy. She just can’t help herself.

And let’s face it, neither can most women.

After all, bad boys speak to the romantic inside all of us. They speak to the good girls who want to save their wounded souls and to the bad girls who want to run wild with them. And even though it can be something of a challenge to tame a bad boy—okay, sometimes it might be easier to teach a cat to scuba dive—Jayne just can’t help loving them.

And neither can we.

Tips from Jayne

22. Go Ahead, Unleash Your Inner Bad Girl.

When Jayne was dating bad boys Jett and Michael, she let her inner bad girl take control, and it worked beautifully. She got what she wanted from both men, and she got it on her terms, too. (Okay, so the relationships didn’t work out but that wasn’t because those bad boys hadn’t been tamed.)

Every woman has a little bit of a bad girl inside her. The problem is, most of the time, women are afraid to let that bad girl loose. But go ahead and give it a try. Bad girls don’t get walked on and they don’t settle for second best. Ever. They aren’t afraid to ask for what they want . . . or to walk away if they don’t get it.

When you think about it like that, a woman can sure learn a lot from a bad girl.

Words to Love By

Bad Girl: A Bad Girl is a woman who knows what she wants from a man and from life and isn’t afraid to do what it takes to get it.

23. You’re the Only One Who Knows If It’s Worth It to Take a Chance on a Bad Boy.

As a romance heroine, Jayne believes in the redeeming power of love to conquer all. (Hey, it’s sort of a job requirement.) But she’s a total realist when it comes to bad boys. Jayne knows the painful truth is that no matter how appealing those bad boys can be, sometimes a bad boy just flat-out can’t be tamed. Well, not tamed by her, or at least not without a whole hell of a lot of useless effort on her part.

What happened with T.J. is a great example. Sure, he was a bad boy but he might not have been unredeemable. With time and determination, who knows? Maybe he could have been tamed. Still, Jayne chose to walk away. She’d evaluated the relationship, looked at all the pros and cons and decided that, for her at least, T.J. wasn’t worth the additional investment of her time and energy.

Another woman might have made a different call. And her decision would have been just as right as Jayne’s had been.

Here’s to hoping you can make as wise a decision when it comes to your own bad boy.

Chapter 3. Fiends, Friends, and Family

Secondary Characters Who Can Wreak Havoc with Your Love Life

Picture it: Jayne’s met the perfect guy. Why, if she was marooned on a deserted island, and could only pick one lucky individual to join her, she’d pick him. Problem is, they aren’t marooned on an island. Problem is, sooner or later their relationship has to pass the crucial, yet generally oh-so embarrassing family and friends’ tests. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Jayne is constantly getting really nice, but totally wrong for her, men shoved at her by those same family and friends.

Jayne wishes she could believe that the opinions of her loved ones don’t matter, but she’s been here before and knows that to be a perfect couple, you not only have to fit into each other’s hearts, you have to fit into each other’s lives. And those lives, just as in romance novels, come with secondary characters. What’s more, those secondary characters can be wacky, wonky, weird, and sometimes wonderful. (Well, at least all Jayne’s secondary characters are the wonderful types.) But wonderful or not, these people can come between you and the love of your life if you’re not careful.

Let’s see what Jayne does, what she learns, and how she deals with these secondary-character dilemmas and distractions wreaking havoc in her romantic life. Who knows? Maybe we can all learn a few things from Jayne’s fictional situations—or at least have a few laughs.

“Excuse Me, but Am I Your Girlfriend or Something Else?”

Jayne met prime-catch Joe when his pug, Chaps, took a liking to Missy, her poodle, at the park. Oh, who was Jayne kidding? The two dogs started going at it and before she and Joe realized it, they were already hooked up. Literally. She and Joe were forced to stand there, trying not to laugh as they attempted to shield the children running past them from the too-hot-to-trot lovers. Talk about an embarrassing—or, one could say cute—meet.

Jayne always has been a sucker for cute meets. And when Joe took her phone number, promising to make sure Chaps didn’t try to run from his parental responsibilities, Jayne, like her poodle, was pretty much hooked.

Within a couple of weeks, it wasn’t just their canines falling for each other; and, considering how they met, Jayne felt certain Fate had brought her and Joe—and Missy and Chaps—together. What a foursome they made. Ahh, life was good.

Fast-forward two months. They were staying over at each other’s places, renting videos, ordering in, and sharing secrets and lots of pillow talk. But whenever Jayne hinted that she’d like him to meet her friends or family, or that she’d like to meet the secondary characters in his life, Joe insisted he liked having her all to himself and then he proceeded to show her why. And he was really good at the showing part.

Too good.

When Joe was a no-show for Jayne’s company picnic (Who refuses free barbeque?) and declined to be a part of wine sampling night (And it was good wine, too), Jayne simply overlooked the issue. In her defense, he had some good excuses. (Car trouble, had to visit an old friend in the hospital, etc.)

Jayne’s friends teased her and said that she was only imagining her new boyfriend, but Jayne paid no heed to her friends’ silly banter. Or at least she tried to ignore it. But after their attempts to lure homebody Joe out in public failed, her friends kicked their teasing up a notch. However, by that point it wasn’t just her friends who were worrying. Jayne had begun to have her own doubts.

Was Joe suffering from a bit of agoraphobia? Or was this something worse? Oh, goodness! Had Jayne completely misread their relationship? Was she Joe’s girlfriend or just his secret sex buddy? Oh, please, Jayne argued with her self-doubt, she really liked Joe. Maybe she was just overreacting?

Poor Jayne. Don’t you just hate it when you feel as though you should know the right thing to do, but you really don’t? Jayne did, too. The way Jayne saw it, she could do one of two things: Ignore her friends and dropkick her doubts to the sidelines, or dig her heels in and get to the bottom of the problem.

Tips from Jayne

24. “Just You and Me Babe” Is a Good Motto . . . for a While.

Jayne, smart woman that she is, came to the conclusion that what she and Joe were doing was perfectly normal. In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to shut out the world while they explore each other and their feelings. Right?

And it was also normal for friends to feel a little left out during that exploration period. Hadn’t Jayne herself felt a bit put out when her best friend Lisa decided to do Paul and pizza instead of Pilates and light popcorn on Friday nights? Jayne won’t even mention that the last time she saw Lisa, the girl was getting a little flabby around her abs. But that was beside the point. The point was that their behavior wasn’t totally off the chart.

So that’s exactly what Jayne told her friends. Give her time, and she’ll bring Joe out to play. They weren’t going to stay in the bedroom forever. Were they?

Okay, so Jayne’s doubts were still there, and yes, she’s done a fine job of ignoring them. We never said Jayne was perfect. However, Jayne usually comes around. Besides, would you really like her if she were perfect?

25. Eventually, a Real Relationship Has to Be More Than Just Hot Sex and Cold Takeout.

As tempting as it was to keep letting herself believe that all they needed was each other (yes, Joe still had the power to make home alone sound yummy), Jayne soon started to suspect that Joe’s “you and me” stage didn’t fall into the normal range, after all—at least not normal for the type of relationship she thought they had.

When she got an invitation to attend a cousin’s wedding, she pulled up her big-girl panties and insisted he get his suit dry cleaned. He agreed to attend, alleviating her fears, but the day before the big gig, Joe had a mysterious cousin get bit by a bad mosquito and he bailed out on the “I do” affair. Surely she understood. Right? Sure she did. She understood that it was December, and due to the cold snap that had happened the week before (and the one she foresaw snapping this romance into pieces) there were no mosquitoes. In other words, Joe was either hiding something or she really was just Joe’s secret sex buddy and not his girlfriend.

After removing the wool from her eyes, Jayne discovered that, unfortunately, it was both. Joe didn’t see her as a girlfriend and, if that wasn’t bad enough, there were a few skeletons in Joe’s closet that she hadn’t met yet: Namely his two ex-wives, and the present Mrs. Joe whom he’d yet to divorce. Oh, and then there was his parole officer, whom Jayne was pretty sure he was sleeping with!

While Jayne felt like an idiot, she tucked that lesson away for future reference and moved on. After all, what’s the point in making mistakes if you can’t learn from them?

Words to Love By

Secret Sex Buddy: A Secret Sex Buddy is a girl with whom a man has sex, who is good enough to introduce to his mattress, and maybe to his dog, but not good enough to introduce to his friends, family, and possibly the real girlfriend he keeps on the side.

Oh, Just Stick a Fork in It, It’s Done!

After two months of dating darling and hunky Brit, Jayne received an invitation from his parents for a meet-the-family dinner. Jayne was nervous, and with good reason. First, she thought she really liked Brit. They’d had a perfect, not overly exciting, but really good relationship up until that time. They liked the same kind of music, laughed at the same kind of jokes, and both enjoyed pizza and turned their nose up at sushi. (Cook the stuff, please!) However, calm and collected Brit had morphed into a bit of a jerk about the whole meet-the-parents thing.

“You know that red outfit you wore to the wine bar?” he asked.

“Yes,” Jayne answered, liking that he remembered her red outfit. It was her favorite, too.

“Please don’t wear that to meet my parents,” he told her.

“What’s wrong with the red outfit?” she asked, shocked. It really wasn’t indecent. On a scale of one to ten, ten being cleavage-showing hot, it only rated a six.

“It’s just not what you should wear to meet my parents.”

“I wear it to my parents’ house,” she said.

“Well, obviously, our parents are different. Wear something classier.”

Classier? Jayne couldn’t help but wonder how different and classier his parents were than hers. And how would he know about her parents? He hadn’t even met them yet.

Things got worse. Not only did Brit ask to see what she intended to wear to the dinner, but he dropped hints of what she should and shouldn’t say during said dinner. Like the time he suggested she not mention that her mom had poured coffee at a diner to help put Jayne through school. Was Brit embarrassed about her family?

Things really hit a new low when Brit went so far as to remind Jayne which fork was the salad fork. Maybe it wasn’t just her family that he worried about being an embarrassment? Once again, Jayne found herself in a quandary. Should she—who, by the way, knew proper utensil etiquette, thank you very much—stick a fork into this relationship and call this chapter over before she even met the parents? Were Brit’s reactions a sign of his true character or were they just the normal meet-the-folks jitters? Yes, she knew those jitters. They were probably the reason she hadn’t taken Brit home to meet her own off-the-wall family.

Then Jayne realized that no one was supposed to judge her family but her—especially before they’d even met them. Jitters aside, Jayne had to decide whether to try to appease Brit’s wishes, or demand that his parents accept her for who she is.

Tips from Jayne

26. Never Fork a Relationship Until You Know the Reason.

As a romance heroine, Jayne has learned the importance of following her gut instinct. She even preaches this to her friends. However, while her gut was telling her that Brit may not be Mr. Perfect, she also knew how important it is to have all the facts before she makes a decision—or as the case might be, makes a fool out of herself . . . like she had that time with James.

Yes, she remembered James often and fondly. They’d had one of those really good relationships, one that showed a lot of promise, but while out to dinner with friends, she’d spotted James hugging and laughing with another woman at another table across the restaurant. Having just dealt with a cheating boyfriend, Jayne lost her cool and emptied her split-pea soup in his lap. The woman, James’s sister, laughed herself silly and thought the whole thing was hilarious. However, James, obviously not a split-pea soup lover, broke up with Jayne a week later, naming both her jealousy and the second-degree burns as the reason.

So, Jayne knew that nothing was worse than looking back on something and realizing she’d acted in haste. And since Brit hadn’t shown any other jerk-like tendencies, Jayne decided to attend the dinner with his parents before dumping him (or her split-pea soup).

27. The Problem with Going Out of Your Way to Make a Good First Impression Is That You Have to Live Up to It.

Hey, Jayne is human. Not only does she know the importance of first impressions—especially to the secondary characters who can affect your love life—but she’s all for making a good one. That is why she agreed to let Brit pick out her outfit and even listened as he schooled her in what to say—and not to say—to his parents. This just goes to show she really liked Brit.

But while getting dressed to meet Brit and his family, she found that the three-piece suit he’d chosen for her to wear was about as comfortable as a too-tight thong worn backwards. As she slipped on the too conservative shoes, more suited to her mother’s style, she remembered another time she’d gone out of her way to impress one of her past boyfriend’s homies. “Dress hot,” he had begged her.

She had. Not only did the too-short skirt and low-cut blouse not suit her, but every time she’d met his friends, he wanted her to keep up the pretense of being “too hot to handle.” Not that there’s anything wrong with too hot to handle, it just wasn’t Jayne’s style. Especially when his friends started asking her out on dates, and her boyfriend didn’t even seem to mind if she said yes.

With that memory skipping through her mind, Jayne shed the monkey suit for some nice slacks and a blouse. If her personal style wasn’t good enough for his parents, maybe it wasn’t good enough for Brit. She soon learned it wasn’t.

Was she heartbroken? Maybe a little, but Jayne knew there was nothing wrong with her personal style and someday she’d meet a man who’d love her for who she was . . . and who wouldn’t overreact to a little split-pea soup.

What Not to say

“Just tell me who you want me to be and I’ll be it. Because who I am isn’t nearly as important as whom you want me to be.”

When the Absolute Best Man Is Better for Someone Else

Jayne met Luke, her new brother-in-law’s best man, at her sister’s wedding. Everybody loved Luke after the wonderful, heartfelt toast he gave the bride and groom. He had everyone in the room searching for tissue.

“What a guy. Someone should snap that fellow up and fast,” Jayne heard several of her great aunts say as they gave her the eye.

But it wasn’t just her great aunts who seemed taken by the best man. Jayne’s friends loved Luke. Jayne’s mama really loved Luke. As her mother put it when she got Jayne aside, even Jayne’s gerbil would love Luke.

Yup. All Jayne’s secondary characters approved. Well, she hadn’t introduced him to her gerbil yet. She doesn’t do that until about the fifth date. (She wouldn’t want the gerbil to get attached to someone unworthy.) Nevertheless, when Luke asked Jayne out, Jayne of course said yes. Okay, she said, “Heck, yes!”

And why wouldn’t she have? Luke was sweet. Luke was sort of a hottie. With his blond hair hanging a little long around his collar, his bright green eyes, and his little boy smile, he had what it took. So what if he wasn’t fireman-calendar hot, he had enough charm to catch a girl’s eye. (Hey, all her great aunts loved him.) If that wasn’t enough, Luke made a good living working as the head chef for one of the city’s nicer restaurants. Yup, Luke could even cook. Who could resist a man wearing an apron and armed with a spatula?

Lovable Luke was perfect.

So it just seemed right that Jayne should have loved Luke, too. But during their third date, a romantic dinner at Luke’s condo, Jayne had an epiphany: She was really turned on by Luke’s chicken marsala and his cheese fondue, but not so much by Luke or his kisses. And if he passed his hand over her ass one more time, she was going to have to break his fingers, and he might need those digits to stir and sauté his famous recipes.

Okay, Jayne admits that if she were feeling the attraction, she might not have been against his below-the-belt touches. She might have even been able to overlook the less-than-wonderful kisses. Hence her dilemma: Should Jayne try to acquire a taste for Luke and his kisses, or is she setting them up for a tasteless relationship that will surely lead to a bitter breakup? Another question bouncing around Jayne’s brain at that time was: Was I ever really infatuated with Luke, or was I looking at him though all my secondary characters’ point of view?

Tips from Jayne

28. Perfection Is a Matter of Taste.

Jayne knew this, but the thought of having all her friends and family roll their eyes at her and say, “What’s wrong with you? He’s perfect,” just wasn’t appealing and gave her a moment of pause. Then she remembered her sister’s wedding. Or rather, she remembered her sister’s choice in bridesmaid dresses. “Aren’t they perfect?” her sister insisted. And they were perfect. Perfect for her sister. But perfect for Jayne? Not on your life.

Frankly, the off-green color reminded Jayne of the stomach virus she’d had last year. And the design? Well, she was sure her grandmother would love to play bridge in the dress. As a matter of fact, Jayne had already earmarked it to go to the senior citizen club.

And as for Luke, she was seriously considering returning him as well.

29. Mama May Love Him, but She Doesn’t Have to Sleep with Him.

Jayne will be the first to tell you that sex isn’t everything. But it should feel like something, or at least something good. Since she would have preferred Luke’s chicken marsala ten times over his kisses, which were too sloppy, too wet—Jayne knows some women who love wet kisses, but she isn’t one of them—she was pretty sure sex with him would have been pretty bland as well. And pretending to be attracted to Luke just to make her friends and family happy was wrong. Or that’s the way things seemed at that point, as she moved his hand away from her backside one more time.

Jayne knew the “I’m just not into you” speech didn’t serve up well with chicken marsala, but she was not going to fake it, not even for his famous fondue. But before she could drop the bomb, he told her about his chocolate cheesecake. Darn it! Jayne really, really likes chocolate cheesecake. Ah, temptation . . . temptation.

30. You Can Lead a Heart to Love, but You Can’t Make It Fall In.

Jayne knows you can like someone, respect someone, even love and respect their cheesecake, but still not share the chemistry that it takes to make a great romance. While Luke would have made a fabulous friend—dinner at his place at least twice a month (maybe three times)—love wasn’t in the picture any more than getting naked with him was punched into her PDA.

Plain and simple, to postpone setting Luke straight about her lack of affection was as wrong as her sister’s bridesmaid dresses were ugly. It was best to get out of Luke’s kitchen if she didn’t plan to stay around long enough to stir the sauces. Even if it meant she didn’t get a chance to try a piece of that cheesecake.

What Not to say

“It doesn’t matter if I’m really not feeling it, I’ll just sleep with you and let you get your rocks off and we’ll figure out my issues later.”

31. Being in Like Isn’t the Same as Being in Love.

Oh, no doubt about it, Jayne really did like Luke. And, as all of her friends and family enjoyed reminding her every chance they got, he was a great guy. Too bad he just wasn’t the right guy for her. After all, being in like is just fine when we’re talking about a new premium salad creation down at the supermarket. But when it comes to men, well, like just isn’t enough. You have to feel the spark—a spark that can lead you to fall in love.

Gotta Love the Lover Boy, Well, Maybe Not.

Brandon was a lovable kind of guy. Not only did everyone love him, but he loved everyone else. He loved his mama; his mama loved him. Why else would he have given her a key to his apartment and why else would she have continued to come over and do his laundry? He loved his friends, and his friends loved him. Why else would he have chosen to hang with a bunch of smelly men, burping up beer and pizza rather than to have spent the evening with Jayne? (Okay, don’t answer that. She knows it’s a flaw in men’s DNA.)

Nevertheless, there was something about Brandon that called out to Jayne. His twinkling blue eyes. His wide shoulders. But it was mostly his giving and good-mannered nature. Why, Brandon even loved his ex-wife. “Well, not that kind of love,” he assured Jayne as he took off to help his ex solve a crisis with her dishwasher.

As Jayne sat alone at home eating a frozen dinner when she should have been eating Italian out with Brandon, something didn’t feel right. However, Jayne had dealt with too many men with mama and ex-wife issues that it was almost refreshing to meet a guy who wasn’t bad-mouthing the women in his life. That had to mean something, right? So Jayne pushed her not-right feelings aside and focused on the positive side of her new boyfriend. He was loyal to all his secondary characters. Loyalty was good. Plus, if she ever had a dishwasher crisis, she knew who to call—even after they broke up.

But on their fourth date, Brandon received three phone calls from his mama, two from his buddies, and six—Yes, a complete half dozen!—calls from his ex-wife. It seemed that her microwave was misbehaving. Right then, Jayne started to wonder if Brandon’s secondary characters were going to be a major obstacle in the romance. And what about his ex-wife’s malfunctioning appliances? They were another issue Jayne had begun to see as an obstacle. But Jayne hadn’t wanted to act irrationally, so she decided to give the problems some serious thought. She’d give the relationship at least two more dates and one more appliance—and then she’d reevaluate.

Tips from Jayne

32. Sometimes Dating Him Means Dating the Secondary Characters in His Life.

For their sixth date Brandon told Jayne he was taking her someplace special. “Dress nice and come hungry,” he’d said. After the disappointment of their fifth date—a day of hanging out with his friends during a football game—Jayne envisioned some fancy restaurant, white tablecloths with fresh flowers, and expensive red wine. She was so not expecting him to take her to his mom’s for meatloaf, instant mashed potatoes, and canned fruit cocktail adorned with out-of-date whipped cream. Besides, their relationship wasn’t even at the Meet-the-Parents stage. Was Brandon just a stage jumper, moving the relationship ahead too fast, or was it worse? Was lovable Brandon a mega–mama’s boy?

Words to Love By

Stage Jumper: A Stage Jumper is someone who moves a relationship forward too fast without paying respect to the normal relationship stages, e.g., arranging a meeting with the parents before you’ve ever French kissed; going number two in your bathroom before you’ve agreed to a committed relationship; sticking his hand down his pants in front of you before you’ve ever seen him naked.

33. Fair or Not, You Are Judged by the Characters You Keep.

Jayne wouldn’t want a guy to judge her solely by the company she keeps or the oddity of her family. If that was the case, she could never introduce a guy to her Aunt Bessie—she used to be a Vegas show girl and still thinks wearing big hair ornaments means you don’t have to wear a top—or her Uncle Bernie who thinks speaking in Pig Latin makes him look smart. But like it or not, Jayne knows we are judged by the company we keep.

Bottom line, it’s hard not to notice the moral fiber and personalities of your date’s secondary characters and wonder what that says about him. And even harder not to wonder if his dad’s bad habit of belching the National Anthem at a baseball game is hereditary. Jayne hadn’t even begun to decide how she felt about Brandon’s whole relationship with his mom. Shouldn’t a man in his early thirties be able to wash his own underwear? And what about the way his mom wiped off his mouth with her napkin during dinner?

Words to Love By

Mega–Mama’s Boy: A Mega–Mama’s Boy is a grown man who still depends on his mama to do things for him the way she did when he was a little boy, e.g., washing his underwear, cleaning out his earwax, or washing his back during his bath.

34. Don’t Always Play Second Fiddle to the Secondary Characters in Your Boyfriend’s Life.

Jayne doesn’t expect to be Number One all the time. Hey, she’s not going to ignore her family or friends, either. But no one enjoys feeling like a second fiddle or a third wheel. And she’s not just referring to Brandon’s friends and family either, but also his ex-wife. Didn’t Brandon understand the definition of the word “ex”? It wasn’t as though there were children involved. Why did he feel compelled to mow the woman’s lawn and unclog her kitchen pipes? And were her kitchen pipes the only thing he was tinkering with when he went over there?

After a month of dating, Jayne realized that lovable Brandon, along with his menagerie of family and friends, wasn’t the love of her life. Good decision, don’t you think?

The Nuts and Bolts of Secondary Characters Gone Wild

Yes, Jayne has dealt with her share of kooky secondary characters—both her own and those of the men she’s dated. Some of them she remembers fondly. There have even been a few men that she would have liked to marry just to become a part of their circle of family and friends. But some of those characters she wishes she could forget. Honestly, who ever heard of a man belching out the Star Spangled Banner?

While Jayne has learned not to pass judgment too quickly, she’s also learned that a good measuring stick for your date’s character is the company he keeps. As crazy as her friends and family are, they reflect, in many ways, Jayne’s own core beliefs. Not that Jayne runs around with her top off like Aunt Bessie (at least not often), but she does sort of have a talent for speaking Pig Latin like her uncle. The truth is, Jayne loves these people, flaws and all, and it’s important that the man in her life, at the very least, is able to tolerate those she holds close to her heart.

Tips from Jayne

35. Just Because He Appears to Be Perfect, Doesn’t Mean He’s Perfect for You.

Jayne knows that while we want our secondary characters to like the men we love, we don’t always love the men they like. Finding a man you care about, and love and respect, who can make your toes curl is much more important than your dad wanting to invite him to play golf, or your best friend finding him attractive.

Nevertheless, it never hurts to heed the thoughts of your secondary characters where your boyfriends are concerned. Because love and lust come with their very own set of rose-colored glasses, those closest to us can often see the chinks in our guy’s armor way before we’re aware of the flaw. That said, who doesn’t have flaws? Only Jayne can decide what flaws she can live with, and what man is still going to make her happy, flaws and all.

Setting boundaries about how much the secondary characters in your life will influence what men you choose to date is not only wise, it’s necessary. After all, Jayne’s almost certain that Juliet’s parents wouldn’t have approved of Romeo, and look how well that turned out. Okay, so maybe that’s not the best example, but you know what she means.

36. Loving a Man Doesn’t Necessarily Mean You Have to Love His Secondary Characters. (But It Helps If You Try.)

You don’t have to love your man’s mom or his uncle who gives you the creeps. He may not love your mom or her cooking. But Jayne has learned that dating someone means that you’ll probably have to deal with the people in each other’s lives.

Whether the secondary characters live next door or in the next state, sooner or later, you’ll find yourself sharing a meal, birthdays, and holidays with them. If you’re talking about someone like Aunt Bessie, you may even get to see more of them than you’d like. And if these people matter to your significant other, getting along with them should matter to you.

That’s why Jayne is hoping beyond hope that her hero will be able to tolerate Aunt Bessie’s streaking tendencies, learn at least a few words in Pig Latin, and be able to pretend to like her mom’s not-so-famous tuna casserole. And may good fortune be on Jayne’s side that her man’s daddy doesn’t belch to music.

Oh, those wacky, wonky, weird, and sometimes wonderful secondary characters. Jayne’s learning to deal with them.

Can you?

Chapter 4. Tap Into Your Intuition

(With or Without Your Magic Eight Ball)

Jayne considers herself a smart woman. Okay, so she took the SATs twice, and failed college algebra once, but both times there were boyfriend issues involved. You know, the you’d-rather-study-than-spend time-with-me issue and then there was the he’s-so-hot-I-can’t-think-about-anything-else issue. Yes, she flunked that college algebra class good! But that’s beside the point because Jayne’s not talking about book smarts, she’s talking about men and the whole male/female relationship type of intelligence.

And therein lies the problem. Because while some women, even Jayne on occasion, can be brilliant where men and relationships are concerned, so many decisions are made based on emotions. Add an overzealous amount of emotion to any decision-making moment and the “decisionee” has a tendency to push logic aside and solve dilemmas using intuition—or as Jayne often refers to it, good ol’ fashioned gut instinct.

Oh, yes, Jayne’s been there—that place where your emotions play bumper cars in your stomach and you just can’t think. The not thinking part is where your three Hs come into play. What are your three Hs? You’ve probably heard the saying “Mind your Ps and Qs,” well, where intuition is involved, we need to mind our Hs: Heart, Head, and Hormones.

Your heart tells you one thing, your head tells you another, and let’s not forget about the hormones, because you can believe Jayne when she says the hormones aren’t going to let you forget about them. You can always trust your hormones to pipe in with a suggestion or two. (And if you’re not careful, those suggestions will lead to you repeating college algebra.)

Understanding those Hs is important to Jayne because the whole romance business is filled with questions that are destined to be answered by her instincts. Questions like: Should I date him? Should I sleep with him? Do I love him or just love doing him? No sooner than you ask the question—bam!—you have quick-and-ready instinctual insights into how you should proceed. Sometimes those insights are right on target, other times . . . well, you’ll see.

So, let’s find out how Jayne deals with a few novel situations where she finds herself tapping into her intuition. Let’s see the lessons she’s learned, the obstacles she’s butted heads with, and the disasters she’s avoided when gut instinct led her down the right—and sometimes the wrong—path.

When Destiny Came A-Calling, Jayne Hung Up on Him

Ever had one of those days? You know what we mean, those days when nothing goes right? Jayne has had her share. In fact, it was just one of those days when she met Carlo. Ahh, Carlo. She’d been smack dab in the middle of retaking college algebra when Carlo came waltzing into her life. That particular day had started out badly and had gone downhill from there. (Well, until she met Carlo. Then things started looking up . . . for a while, that is.)

First, her dog decided that she couldn’t wait for Jayne to get out of the shower to let her out. (Trust Jayne on this: Never feed your dog broccoli, no matter how much it may beg.) Then, Jayne’s frozen, low-fat corndog decided to explode just when she opened the microwave. The exploding corndog led to a blouse change. Which led to a skirt change. And then a quick check in the mirror led to picking corndog out of her hair. Which led to her running late for class. However, her tardiness wasn’t so much the corndog’s fault as it was the flat tire. (See what we mean about her having had a bad day?)

Anyway, after pulling over to the side of the road, Jayne knelt down beside her flat tire in a skirt so not designed for kneeling down on the side of the road and that was when destiny—in the form of a six-foot tall, dark, and handsome Italian hunk named Carlo—came a-calling. Destiny as in if the dog hadn’t pooed on the carpet, if the corndog hadn’t exploded, if she hadn’t had to go in search of a matching skirt for her new blouse, she and Carlo would have never met. So it had to be Fate, right?

Yes, Jayne really wanted to see it as Fate because nothing was sexier than a good-looking, tire-changing man smiling down at her and saying, “I think you have a little wiener in your hair.” (Especially when it was being said with a sexy Italian accent.) And when Carlo asked for her phone number and a date—his payment for the tire change—Jayne tapped into her intuition for the right thing to do. The three Hs all started firing at once.

Head: You don’t know this guy. Besides, you’re in the middle of algebra class and don’t need another distraction. And did he actually say you were obligated to date him because he’d changed your tire? Then again, maybe it’s just the language barrier . . . or so Jayne chose to believe.

Heart: But this is such a cute meet. Imagine telling our grandkids about this.

Hormones: Quit stalling and say yes! Have you looked at his body? Say yes!

The thing about these Hs is that you generally have to listen to all three for the intuition to be on its mark. But on this particular day, Jayne nudged the wisest of the Hs (her head) aside and followed her two other intuition sparkers. Reaching into her purse, she grabbed a scrap of paper and scribbled down her phone number.

Imagine Jayne’s surprise when she got home from class that evening and found an impatient Carlo, flowers in tow, dark eyes smoldering with desire, waiting on her apartment doorstep. She hadn’t given him her address, but Carlo, potential stalker that he may have been, knew that trick of putting a telephone number into a computer and pulling up everything about the owner of said phone number . . . except bra size. (Or maybe that was in there, too.)

Either way, Jayne was left to face Carlo.

What should she do now?

Tips from Jayne

37. Sometimes It Feels Like Destiny, But It So Ain’t.

Sure, if the timing had been just a little bit off, Jayne and Carlo would never have met. But was it divine intervention or a disaster in the making? As Jayne stood in front of her apartment building, with Carlo leaning in close, looking hot and smelling even hotter, she dug into her intuition bank again. This time, the piece of internal wisdom she pulled out was more head-driven advice, which said being alone in her apartment with this stranger just didn’t feel right. So she offered to meet him at a café down the street in thirty minutes. Hey, she was buying.

Okay, maybe she was being overly cautious. But then again . . . maybe not. All Jayne knew for sure was that there was a huge difference between trusting in destiny and just being plain stupid.

38. Pay Attention to All Your H s . . . Especially If Your Head Is Trying to Tell You Something.

Okay, so the man changed her tire and he was handsome as sin. Part of her felt rude for not inviting him in. But how many times had Jayne heard about women who ignored that little internal voice that said be careful and who then ended up being assaulted? Or worse. Nope, it was the coffee shop or nothing, and she made that clear.

Ten minutes after joining him for coffee, Jayne felt more comfortable. She joked that after the crazy day she’s had, she could have probably used a glass of wine, rather than the coffee. Carlo grinned and leaned in, telling her that he had something better than wine to make her feel relaxed. That’s when Jayne noticed that his eyes weren’t so much smoldering with desire as the pupils were dilated from some controlled substance.

Oh, yeah, she was relaxed then. Not! Good-looking, tire-changing Carlo was into the drug scene, and right then the only thing Jayne was into was passing algebra, so she paid for his coffee (he did change her tire) and offered him a kind, but firm goodbye.

39. Cute Meets Can Be Like Puppies—Sometimes They’re Not So Cute.

Jayne is a romantic at heart. She can’t help it. It’s in her genes. Her mom still buys her father silk heart-printed boxers every Valentine’s Day. (Jayne doesn’t even want to think about what happens when he wears them to bed.) Why, if Jayne has heard her mom tell the “How We Met” story once, she’s heard it a thousand times. And the sad part is, she loves it every time. So deep down, really deep, she knows she’s going to meet “the one” in a very cute, very unique way, and that someday, she’ll be telling her own kids about how Fate set things in motion.

But Jayne has faced the fact that she’s already had several cute meets, like Joe at the park when their dogs hooked up, or Billy when the dry cleaners got their clothes mixed up. She doesn’t even want to think about Frankie and how she accidentally walked into his hotel room as he walked out of the shower when the hotel got their key cards mixed up. Point is, as cute and as drop-dead gorgeous as those meets were (yes, Frankie was a hottie), none of those men was “the one.”

So Jayne knows that sometimes no matter how much something feels like Fate, providence, destiny, or any of those other magical words we associate with great romances, we should always proceed with caution. Someday, Jayne will find her hero. She has to. She is, after all, a romance heroine.

Words to Love By

The Three Hs: The Three Hs are the three parts of a woman’s mental/physical anatomy—the Heart, the Head, and Hormones—that spark information to help create intuition and gut instinct. The Heart focuses strictly on emotion, the Head on common sense, and Hormones on sexual desire.

Take the Relationship to the Next Step (When It’s Time to Do the Stepping)

Jayne had a first date with Leo that night and choosing the right outfit was difficult. She and Leo had bumped into each other at a coffee shop. It wasn’t exactly a cute meet, but after the quick meeting of his body against hers as they had stood in line she hadn’t needed the double shot of caffeine anymore. She was awake, every delicious nerve ending. Better than a double espresso vanilla nut latte. Yummy!

Oh, yes, Jayne accepted that she and Leo had tons of chemistry. And after seeing him a couple more times for coffee—not that she needed the caffeine—and spending an hour on the phone with him that weekend, she agreed to do dinner and a movie.

Was Jayne nervous? Oh, yes. Not the kind of nervous she had felt with let’s-get-high Carlo. No, her Internal Male Meter Reader (IMMR) wasn’t sending that type of message. She was pretty certain Leo was an upstanding kind of guy. The problem wasn’t his character. The problem was deciding if she should wear the new matching red bra and panty set, or her ugly bra and granny panties, a.k.a. the not-gonna-take-my-clothes-off-tonight set.

You see, Jayne’s pre-date instincts were already saying that she was going to have a hard time keeping this relationship from moving too fast. And by too fast, we mean sleeping with him before she should. As in, sex on the first date. Oh, yeah, that could have been a disaster.

Jayne was so vexed that she was tempted to call the whole thing off. And where was the logic in that? Calling off a date because you like the guy too much? Needing some advice, Jayne went to her most reliable advice source: it wasn’t her mother, or her best friend, it was her magic eight ball. (Who knew it could serve a purpose beyond fun and giggles at junior high sleepovers?) But a lot of help the eight ball was! All it gave her was “maybe.” So Jayne buried her magic eight ball into the underwear drawer with the matching sexy bra and panty set and donned her granny panties as a bit of “no-sex tonight” insurance.

Dinner was great, but Leo was even better. The chemistry was hotter than the tomato jalapeño soup. The movie was good, or at least everyone in the theater seemed to have liked it. Jayne couldn’t think about anything except Leo’s hand rubbing her arm, her neck, and toying with her hair. And when he leaned in and kissed her for the first time, Jayne knew she’d made the right decision about keeping the date . . . and about wearing the granny panties.

Then when the movie was over Leo said he wasn’t ready to say goodnight and asked if she would like to come to his place for a nightcap. Jayne was caught in a quandary—a granny-panty-wearing quandary. What to do? What to do?

Without her magic eight ball, Jayne dug deep into her intuition bank for the answer. But Jayne’s instincts were apparently on strike—or on emotional overload—and she was left standing there staring at Leo, as Leo stared back at her, waiting for her gut to spill an answer.

Words to Love By

Internal Male Meter Reader: The IMMR is that internal meter which every woman has buried deep inside her gut that tells her if a guy is datable or nondatable, dangerous or nondangerous, a drop-dead darling or a dud.

Tips from Jayne

40. When Your Instincts Are on Strike, Put the Decision on Hold, or At Least on Pause.

So as Leo took her hand, and asked, “Well?” Jayne found herself wishing she could find the pause button. But darn it, as Jayne will tell you, there are no pause buttons in real life—not even in Jayne’s fictional life. (Except in some of the paranormal novels. But this wasn’t a paranormal world and Jayne really needed a pause button right then.)

Even as temptation, named Leo, stood before her waiting . . . anticipating, Jayne knew that important decisions shouldn’t be made willy-nilly. Especially decisions based on consuming calories or having hot sex before it’s time for hot sex. Because when she acted without thinking things through, she usually ended up regretting those decisions—or spending way too much time on the Stairmaster. Because when Leo brushed his hand down her cheek, Jayne would have bet her best bra, even the Wonderbra, that Leo’s nightcap would have ended up with her exposing her granny panties.

One deep breath, and one quick tug on her slipping panties, Jayne discovered a bit of wisdom rising up from the gut instinct area. And that wisdom said: There may not be a pause button, but a woman should always take the time she needs to come to a wise conclusion. And Jayne’s conclusion was that she should postpone going home with Leo. It wasn’t as if she was saying no to ever having sex with him; she was just saying not now. Besides, good things come to those who wait, right?

Then Jayne was faced with another dilemma—finding the right way to tell Leo.

41. Explaining Your Instinct-Driven Decisions Generally Involves the Truth. (Well, Part of the Truth, Anyway.)

Jayne felt Leo’s heavy-lidded gaze on her as he waited for the answer. (At least she was fairly confident Leo was looking at her with smoldering passion rather than the aftereffects of some drug, the way Carlo had.) She felt everything he felt, the sizzle of the attraction, the desire. Ahh, but she also felt a sense of rightness in her decision to postpone this slippery slope to sexual bliss. Not that she doesn’t like sexual bliss but she really liked Leo and didn’t want to ruin things by stepping into the role of bang toy versus girlfriend. Finding her willpower, she reached up and brushed a strand of Leo’s dark hair from his brow.

“I’m not ready for the night to be over, either,” she admitted and tried not to think about how good he smelled. “I’d love to get to know you better, but with our clothes on. How about we find an open coffee shop and chat?”

Leo’s million-dollar sexy grin almost changed her mind. “Hmm…I kind of like the idea of taking our clothes off,” he said.

“No, you wouldn’t,” she confessed without thinking. “I’m wearing my granny-panty underwear.” (See what Jayne means about part of the truth being okay?)

Words to Love By

Bang Toy: A Bang Toy is a woman with whom a man has sex just for fun. Generally speaking, bang toys are used once and then disposed of without so much as a thank you, or an offer of a second date.

42. Never Question Your Instinct or Your Granny-Panty Safety Net.

Much to Leo’s credit, he took Jayne to a nice open-all-night diner—where they spent the next few hours talking, laughing, and getting to know each other. Okay, she also managed to wolf down a piece of cheesecake, which led to some time on the Stairmaster the next day, but at least she wasn’t regretting her time with Leo or worrying that the too-soon sex had tainted the relationship.

Oh yes, Jayne’s been there. She’s done the too-soon sex thing before and has the emotional scars to prove it. The guy literally talked the granny panties right off of her. It’s not something she’s really proud of either, because he never called her again, which degraded her to the bang-toy level. Sure, Jayne knows part of the wonder of a new relationship is the spontaneity of falling under the spell of desire, listening to the voice of hormones saying, “yes.” But making sure her heart and head are in on the spontaneous decision is smart. Because no amount of time on the Stairmaster will take away the feeling of giving away a part of herself and getting nothing in return but a memory she wishes she didn’t have.

Basically, she had donned the granny-panty set to avoid temptation, and more importantly, because her instinct had told her to do it. And first instincts, when the head is involved, are sort of like first impressions—they shouldn’t be pushed aside too easily.

As things turned out, she made a wise decision, too, because there never was a second date. Leo’s old girlfriend moved back to the States, and he wanted to give that another try. At least he was honest.

Words to Love By

Granny-Panty Safety Net: Unlike a string tied around your finger to remind you to do something, the Granny-Panty Safety Net is a reminder to “not” do something. Wearing “unshowable” underwear is a way to ward off temptation and make sure the clothes stay on, until you are ready for them to come off.

Does She Love Him, Love Doing Him, or Just Love the Idea of Him?

Jayne met Ron on the Internet. Yes, she knows that can be dangerous because people can claim to be anyone online. But seriously, why is meeting someone online more dangerous than, say, meeting someone in a bar? Sure, people can pretend to be someone else online, but how many astronauts and rock stars have you met at a local club who turned out to be used car salesmen? Or is Jayne the only one who has that kind of luck?

There’s even a country-western song about how you’re always sexier online. So Jayne knows that hookups online can be deceiving. Not that Ron deceived her. Ron is . . . was . . . great. Okay, maybe he fudged a bit about his height and his six-pack—he’s a tad shy of six feet and it’s more of a three pack. But it wasn’t Ron’s white lie that put him on the “was” list. Like she said, Ron was great.

He wasn’t a stud muffin on a stick, but he had enough charm and good looks to catch any woman’s eye and he caught Jayne’s. He made her laugh, he made her sigh, and his family was . . . the greatest. Why, she and his mom read the same authors, and his dad never burped any songs, and still had all his own hair. (All are plusses in Jayne’s opinion.) No, things went downhill when—after only three months of dating—Ron tossed her a big surprise birthday party. Jayne loves surprise parties, so the party wasn’t the issue. The issue wasn’t even the fishy-smelling shrimp he’d had catered. The issue was that Ron pulled out an engagement ring, and he went down on one knee and asked her to marry him (in front of both their friends and family). Oh, did Jayne mention he did it over a microphone and that fifty people were there? Yeah, that was the issue.

Now, as Jayne said, she thought Ron was great. But those “great” feelings hadn’t transformed into awesome yet. In other words, she wasn’t sure Ron was “the one.” But in that brief moment, Jayne tried to see herself hitched with Ron for the next fifty years. However, as hard as she tried, she couldn’t quite get the visual going. Then she saw Ron’s mom, smiling like the happy fairy had just whacked her with a happy wand, and then Jayne’s mom and dad started hugging each other, tears in their eyes, and giving her a thumbs-up. With over fifty pairs of eyes watching her—well forty-nine and a half, her dad’s cousin “Pirate Bo” had had a little accident—Jayne dug deep into her intuition bank. The only problem was that her conscience kept blocking her from finding the right answer.

What to do? What to do?

What do you think?

Tips from Jayne

43. Don’t Overlook Your Instincts Just Because You Feel Put on the Spot.

Yup, Jayne was in a pickle. While all her Hs were in agreement—they were all telling her that she couldn’t say “yes,” not right then—her conscience weighed in on the completely opposite side.

How embarrassing was this going to be for Ron?

But was it fair to say yes? Fair to him? Fair to their families? Fair to Jayne when she knew that each of these fifty people would run and tell ten or more people. That would mean she’d be explaining to at least 500 people how she’d only said yes because she hadn’t wanted to embarrass Ron. Wouldn’t that be more of an embarrassment?

Glancing down at Ron, who appeared green with nerves, didn’t help Jayne, but it did bring on an epiphany. While she really liked Ron and his family, and even liked the comfortableness of their relationship, she didn’t love him—at least not yet.

So Jayne, knowing we sometimes push our instincts aside and make a bad call because we feel pressured, tried to pull Ron up from his on-the-knee position. However, Ron pushed her back and hung his head. Was he so distraught that her nonanswer had brought him to tears? Then the truth came out. Well, it was actually more than the truth that actually came out. Turns out, Jayne didn’t have to worry about embarrassing Ron—he pretty much did that all by himself. You see, Ron wasn’t distraught; it was the combination of too much champagne and bad shrimp, and Jayne’s new black leather shoes got the message loud and clear.

You’ve heard of being saved by the bell? Well, Jayne was saved by the shrimp. However, come hell or high water, Ron was going to cough up enough money for a new pair of shoes.

44. Sometimes the Right Call Isn’t the Easiest One to Make.

Okay, so Jayne didn’t actually have to make the call. But she’d been prepared to do the right thing, even if it wasn’t the easiest thing to do. Sometimes, following your gut instincts requires you to take the path less traveled, versus the easiest route. Don’t you just hate that? Jayne sure does.

Nevertheless, a postponed call usually ends up having to be answered eventually.

Ron showed up the next day with a question, not the one he’d popped at the party, but a different one. “You were going to turn me down, weren’t you?” Jayne had to be honest. She explained that her gut instinct said accepting his marriage proposal wasn’t the right thing to do. She also explained that this wasn’t because she didn’t care but because she didn’t know how much she cared. Couldn’t Ron just slow down? Give the relationship some time?

Turns out he couldn’t.

What Not to say

“It’s okay if I don’t really care about you, or love you. You can just pay the bills and buy me new shoes.”

45. You Have to Respect the Gut Instincts of Others, Even When Bad Shrimp Is Involved.

Ron explained that his gut told him that if Jayne wasn’t sure how she felt about him then, she wouldn’t be sure in six months, or even in a year. Jayne, sad to see him walk away, suggested that maybe his gut was just confused because of the bad shrimp. Ron, being a good guy, gave Jayne a big soulful hug, and joked that he was certain she’d never forget his memorable proposal. Jayne was certain she’d never forget Ron.

And while it hurt seeing him walk away, Jayne’s intuition said that Ron was right. She was more in love with “the idea” of being in love with him, a good guy, than she was actually in love with him . In other words, she might have been content with Ron, but they’d have probably never made each other really happy. And didn’t they both deserve better than that?

It can suck, but respecting the intuition of others is the right thing to do, and can sometimes offer clarity to your own intuition.

Fine-Tune Your Intuition Like a Good Romance Heroine

Jayne, like all women, has made some good gut instinct decisions and yes, a time or two, she’s even made some bad ones. (That was when all the Hs weren’t firing equally, and her intuition sent her down the wrong path—remember her second semester of college algebra.) The problem is knowing when your Hs are balanced and when they’re not. The solution is being able to sift through your emotions so you can hear what those internal voices are telling you.

Tips from Jayne

46. Be Leery of Any Intuition Driven Primarily by Your Hormones.

Ahh, some of Jayne’s biggest intuition mishaps happened because her hormones were in the driver’s seat and she had stopped listening to the other two Hs. The day she mistakenly lost her granny panties is a prime example. Desire, attraction, and the need to be touched and to touch, is part of being human. But without caution, these very enjoyable and basic human needs can easily screw up your gut instinct and leave you feeling less than human. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some company and even a little fun, as long as the decision isn’t one you’ll regret once the deed is done.

In other words, the feel-good feelings from sex shouldn’t be wiped out as soon as the big O has left the building.

47. Allow Yourself to Hear What Your Gut Is Trying to Say.

As Jayne found out with Leo, there really aren’t any pause buttons in real life—or in most fictional lives. You can’t freeze frame the world around you while you make up your mind. But you should never be afraid to take a few minutes to weigh your options or to make sure all your Hs are functioning before following a gut-driven piece of advice.

Jayne has learned that a much-needed pause may prevent her from making a mistake that would take a rewind button to fix. And if pause buttons are hard to find even in the fictional realms, you can bet your bottom dollar that rewind buttons are even harder to get your hands on.

48. Alcohol Can Totally Muddle Up Your Intuition.

Just as it’s downright dangerous to drive while under the influence of alcohol, it’s also hazardous to rely on your gut instincts while chocolate martinis, merlot, or margaritas are running through your veins. Alcohol dulls all your Head advice and puts both your Hormones and Heart behind the steering wheel. Emotions run wild, sexual drive is heightened. Oh, the pleasure . . . and the madness. Remember, if your head doesn’t have a sober voice, you’ll almost certainly be steered wrong.

What Not to say

“Forget fine-tuning your instincts, or your intuition. If it feels good, do it. If it doesn’t work out, then blame it on your parents, global warming, or anything else that comes to mind.”

49. Allow Your Past Gut-Driven Mishaps to Color Future Gut-Driven Decisions.

A good friend to the three Hs we’ve already discussed is another H worth mentioning: Hindsight. Sure, hindsight can be a bitter pill to swallow and Jayne has swallowed her fair share. But if the fourth H is used correctly—not as punishment for past mistakes, but as a guide in future situations—it can be a needed and useful tool.

The fact is that most mistakes revolving around men, relationships, and love are mistakes that Jayne and other women have a tendency to repeat, repeat, and repeat. So keep hindsight close to your other Hs. It will help you reflect on what you’ve learned and will help make sure a new bitter hindsight pill isn’t about to he pressed between your lips.

While Jayne knows that fine-tuning her intuition won’t prevent her from ever making a bad decision about men, relationships, and love, she’s aware that the better choices she makes, the better chance she has of finding her own Keeper.

Not that there’s any doubt she will find him. After all, she is a romance heroine.

Chapter 5. Seduction and Sex 101

Why Romance Heroines Never Have to Fake an Orgasm

Sex. Jayne isn’t a sex expert, or an expert on what makes every woman happy, but being a modern woman and because she’s starred in so many romance novels, she has gained a few insights into passion, desire, and crossing the proverbial finish line to achieve the big O.

She’s stumbled across a few ways to make a man happy, and that’s good information to have. But, more importantly, Jayne has learned what makes her happy. However, she knows that her biggest challenge concerning sex—which is probably the same challenge facing other women—is how to teach her partner how to make her happy.

Not that all men need to be given directions, of course. There have been some great lovers in Jayne’s romantic history—men who could melt the soles off a sturdy pair of snow boots. Not to mention her clothes. It almost seems as though those men were born with an internal GPS unit designed to assist them in navigating their way around a woman’s body.

But sometimes, you simply must offer directions because you know how badly some men hate asking for them. Jayne knows all about these men too. She’s come across a few men who fell short of the melting stage, and men who not only needed a map of a woman’s body, but seriously needed someone to draw them a picture of how they were supposed to reach the desired location. (Just for the record, Jayne is a huge fan of the picture technique. How can you go wrong when “X” marks the spot?)

And while sex, and all the various comings and goings attached with it, is usually considered a taboo subject, Jayne’s sex life has pretty much been written about and printed in books around the world. Trust us, she’s not shy. Romance readers have gained access to her most private desires and moments. There was the historical romance where a hunky Native American rescued her from falling off a cliff and claimed her as his woman. There was the paranormal romance in which she met that hot demon. And then there was the erotic romance where . . . well, you get the idea. What’s more, Jayne’s most private moments have been written in and translated to dozens of languages. Her readers are aware of her deepest fantasies, some of which Jayne really hopes they’ll keep to themselves. Book lovers have been with her through it all; they’ve experienced the oh-God-someone-finally-found-my-G-spot moments, as well as some of her most embarrassing (and naked) moments. If Jayne felt it, saw it, or experienced it, they did, too. So needless to say, Jayne has learned how not to be so shy when talking about sex.

As a matter of fact, she’s found that talking about it can be the first step to fixing any problems you might have. By talking, she means discussing it with her girlfriends or a therapist—if needed—and maybe even a pet (hey, they make great sounding boards, plus you know upfront that anything that licks its own privates will not judge you for anything). But mostly when Jayne says talking, she’s referring to her partner.

So let’s see if we can gain some insight into the glorious and sometimes misunderstood art of sex and seduction from some of Jayne’s very personal and not-so-private moments.

Ring My Bell? Yes! Blow My Whistle? Not So Much.

Devin was the devil in blue jeans. Black hair, blue eyes fringed in long black lashes, and a body worth drooling over. Just standing next to him should have been considered a sin. Truth be told, Devin had done more for Jayne by just being in the same room than some guys had done in five minutes of foreplay.

Problem was, Jayne sometimes needed and almost always wanted more than five minutes of foreplay. Also problematic was the fact that all Devin had going for him was his looks; he had all the right tools, but the man didn’t know how to use them. Okay, that last statement might not be 100 percent accurate. There is a slight chance that Devin knew how to use them, he just didn’t feel the need to use them, which in Jayne’s book, as well as that of most women, is even worse.

It was their fourth date—the previous three had been great, by the way—when Devin walked her to her door and asked if perhaps he could come up for coffee. Normally Jayne didn’t say yes to coffee requests until the fifth date. And by coffee requests, you know what he was really requesting, right? Hey, Jayne’s not going to lie; the truth is that she wanted “coffee,” too. Devin was just so hot that she couldn’t wait to get him between her sheets. (Never mind that they never made it anywhere near the sheets or the bedroom.) She’d fantasized about being with him from the first time she’d laid eyes on him, so she caved to temptation and invited him in.

However, not wanting to appear too eager, she actually started a pot of coffee. The moment she turned on Mr. Coffee, Devin came on too. The pot hadn’t dripped one cup before he had her pants down. At two cups, he had her on the floor, his jeans around his knees, and was condom ready. Before Mr. Coffee had spit out the usual six cups, Devin had bumped once, grinded twice, grunted for good measure, and rolled away leaving Jayne staring up at the kitchen ceiling in confusion.

What . . . ?

Why . . . ?

She shook her head. Okay, how did she let this happen? One moment, there she was, going with the flow, and the next? Well, the next, the flow had been over. Now, Jayne wasn’t totally against quickies, but this one hadn’t even fallen into that category. This one almost fell into the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am category. Hence, Devin’s new nickname, “Too Fast, Not Fabulous Devin,” or just plain old “Speedy” for short.

As Jayne watched him pull up his jeans (no, he hadn’t even completely removed them) and get rid of the evidence in the garbage, she waited for him to offer some apology. An apology like, “I’m sorry, I’ve been wanting you so badly, I couldn’t stop myself,” or even better, “Give me a few minutes and I’ll make it all up to you,” but nope. No such apology spilled out.

Instead, he offered her a hand to pull her up, told her how great she’d been (and this is the part you aren’t going to believe), then he asked, “Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Honestly, now. What do you think Jayne said?

Words to Love By

Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Sex: Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Sex is the kind of sex that is performed at the upmost speed possible and almost always by men whose only concern is getting their jollies off. Unlike the quickie category of fast sex, enjoyed by some women, the only thing a woman is expected to get from the wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am experience is the gratitude tacked onto the name.

Tips from Jayne

50. Sex Isn’t a Timed Sporting Event—and When You Cross the Finish Line, You’d Better Make Sure Your Partner Is Right Behind You.

Jayne likes sex. With the right partner, she really likes sex. That’s why you would never hear Jayne say that sex was a journey and not a destination, because frankly, she enjoys crossing the finish line . . . if you get what she means.

That’s not to say Jayne doesn’t enjoy the journey, or that she doesn’t need the journey to get to the finish line. She will even say that in some cases, she can reach the destination before a man. But damn, Devin had finished before the coffee machine, and it wasn’t even a particularly slow coffeemaker either. Seriously, the man had finished before Jayne even started to perk.

As soon as Jayne zipped her jeans, Devin, (a.k.a Mr. Too Fast, Not Fabulous) leaned in and rested a hand on her waist. The soft kiss against her cheek, and the gentle hand on her hip, actually did more for her than the roll on the kitchen floor. Before she could answer his “good for you, too?” question, Jayne caught a little something in his dark blue eyes that could have possibly been embarrassment. Empathizing a bit, she restrained herself from making a snarky comment. Hey, Jayne knows all about embarrassing moments.

Before she decided exactly on how to answer, Devin spoke up, “How about tomorrow night I take you out to a great restaurant and some slow dancing?”

Slow? Okay, so maybe Devin wasn’t so clueless after all. “Dinner and . . . slow . . . sounds nice,” Jayne said, hoping he’d take the subtle hint just in case she’d been wrong about his awareness. In hindsight this was not such a smart thing, because most men, Devin included, excel at unawareness. And most of them just don’t do subtle, either.

51. Don’t Be Afraid to Offer Some Ego-Sensitive Lessons.

Dinner the next night was lovely and . . . slow. However, dancing was the highlight of the evening. As Jayne moved with the music against Devin, her breasts brushed against his chest, and she rested her head on his shoulder. He smelled so good and felt even better. She had high hopes for the evening.

When he took her back to her place, Jayne put on some soft and slow music. Before she could turn around, Devin had unzipped her dress, had her bra undone, and was slipping her dress off her shoulder. Afraid of another repeat performance, only this time he’d play his final notes before the song ended, Jayne turned around in his arms and asked, “Do you want another glass of wine?”

He grinned. “I’ll show you what I want.” And he tried to pull her dress down again.

Jayne caught his hand. “How about I show you what I want?”

Devin wasn’t the first guy she’d had to offer tips on making her happy in the bedroom. And Jayne had even had some success in teaching the fine art of seduction. Thanks to Jayne’s lessons, there were several men in the world now who actually knew that the clitoris wasn’t just an urban legend. Jayne had learned that sometimes a simple shift of a guy’s hand or mouth could lead them to the right spot, and a little vocal announcement when they found their mark, could be more effective than giving step-by-step directions.

Jayne spent the next fifteen minutes telling Devin exactly what she liked. Unfortunately, he then spent the next two minutes doing it. Or at least he thought he’d done it. Jayne tried to slow him down, but Devin had one mission: In and out. And now it was to up Jayne to decide if she was in—or out—of this relationship.

52. Sex Is a Team Sport.

Jayne isn’t the kind of woman who believes sex is everything in a relationship. To the contrary, she wholeheartedly believes that a relationship shouldn’t be based solely on sex. But let’s face it. Sex is the icing on the relationship cake and who doesn’t like the icing?

Nevertheless, breaking up with someone because the sex doesn’t start off with a bang is wrong. So Jayne decided not to kick Devin to the curb just yet. She does actually like the guy, and let’s face it, he’s so hot and she looks really good on his arm.

So Jayne decided to play dirty—in a good way, of course. She offered to swap favors. And yeah, she meant oral sex. Now, Jayne has learned that sex is a team sport and she knows how to please a man. Besides, you give some, you receive some, isn’t that the rule? No one ever accused Jayne of not playing fair. When the oral offer was made, Devin was all for it. Too bad Jayne agreed to go first.

Words to Love By

Do-Over: A Do-Over is a verbal request at a second chance and sometimes a third chance to get the sex right. A do-over is generally called for after the first sexual experience left something—okay, a lot of things—to be desired, as in the man gets his cookies off before the woman even had her oven preheated.

53. Does He Not Know How to Make You Happy, or Does He Not Care Enough to Try?

After Devin’s clock had chimed, he pulled Jayne next to him and suggested that he knew something that she’d like even better than his initially agreed-upon trade-off. “Let’s cuddle.”

“Cuddle?” Jayne asked.

“Yeah,” Devin said. “Everyone knows that cuddling is really all a woman wants from sex anyway.”

All she wanted? “And what eighteenth-century sexual guidebook did you get that info from?” she asked.

He just laughed, but Jayne wasn’t joking. She’d done everything short of out-and-out telling Devin he sucked in the sack, and not in the good way, so Jayne figured that maybe it was time she took that approach.

Nicely of course, because at that point she wasn’t sure whether he didn’t know how to make her come, or just didn’t care if she did, Jayne said, “You know the saying that it’s not over until the fat lady sings? Well, it applies to semi-skinny women, too, and I haven’t sung.”

“And you think it’s my fault?” he asked, insulted.

“Well, I usually sing. I think I just need a little more foreplay. A little more time.”

His reply explained a lot. “I’ll tell you like I’ve told everyone else, I don’t do foreplay. It’s fast or nothing.”

Hmm. So Jayne wasn’t the first woman to attempt to offer Devin a bit of advice. Which basically meant that Speedy knew he needed to work on his techniques and didn’t care to do it. What had he said were her choices? Oh, yeah, fast or nothing?

Jayne chose nothing.

It wasn’t as though she’d miss the sex anyway.

What Not to say

“How long does it take for a woman to come? Who cares? Everyone knows sex is all about the man.”

Sometimes, It Really Is You and Not Him

Jayne met Chad at a friend’s barbeque party on the Fourth of July, a party Jayne had gone to for the scrumptious, melt-in-your-mouth meat. She really hadn’t been looking to “meet” anyone—especially while consuming half her body weight in messy sauce-laden ribs and working on her second beer. She had sauce all the way down her blouse and chin, thanks to getting jostled from behind by someone’s Uncle Pete. Yup, she basically looked like a half-starving carnivore in need of some table manners when Chad sat down beside her. Honestly, she hadn’t even been aware what she looked like until he offered her a whole roll of paper towels. Let’s just say, it wasn’t her proudest moment.

However, Chad found the situation funny and Jayne had always been a sucker for a guy with a great sense of humor. Add Chad’s easy laugh, saucy good looks—think bright green eyes and blond hair with the surfer body to go with it—and his much-needed roll of paper towels and Jayne was pretty much putty in his hands.

Looking back, perhaps it hadn’t been the best time to become putty in anyone’s hands. Frankly, things had been rather stressful in Jayne’s life. What kind of stress? Well, how about a new job with a bitch of a boss who’d already gotten rid of two of Jayne’s coworkers. Added to that stress, was the pressure of Jayne’s nagging mom who insisted Jayne needed to find the right guy and settle down. Oh, and the biggest issue, recovering from the breakup with the guy Jayne’s mom thought was the right guy. (See the problem Jayne has with her mom’s advice?)

As always, Jayne’s solution for mending a broken heart was turning to food for comfort. Hence the barbeque ribs. And as almost everyone knows, comfort food tends to put a bit more meat on your own ribs. So, not only was Jayne dealing with a boatload of stress at the time, she was not feeling too good about herself—even after she got the sauce off her chin.

But Chad was persistent in his pursuit of Jayne (he must have been into sloppy, rib-eating, beer-drinking chicks), and being putty, Jayne gave in and agreed to go out and try a great barbeque restaurant with him.

They dated a few months, hitting all the barbeque hotspots in the city. Jayne really liked Chad, almost as much as she liked tender spare ribs with sweet mesquite sauce. But when it came time to move the relationship to a more intimate place, Jayne found herself having some issues. What issues? Well, Chad had invited her to go away for the weekend barbeque festival a few towns over. Jayne knew there would be one hotel room. One bed. At first, Jayne was actually excited. The relationship with her and Chad had grown into something really nice, and taking it to the next step not only felt natural, but right. Add the fact that it had been months since she’d had sex and Jayne thought she was ready.

Who would have dreamed that the hottest and the highest point of the weekend would have turned out to be eating the jalapeno-seasoned pork ribs. Oh, and totally unlike her little un-adventure with Devin, this wasn’t Chad’s fault. Oh, no. This one was all her fault.

So exactly what did Jayne do?

Tips from Jayne

54. Faking It Isn’t Always in Your Best Interest—or in His.

Chad did everything right. He excelled at foreplay and knew all the right parts of a woman’s body to cover. And he covered them rather nicely—if you know what we mean. He wasn’t in a hurry, and gave Jayne plenty of time to get into the groove. Nevertheless, she just couldn’t seem to get there. She kept waiting for the WOW to happen, for the spark to just burst alive, but no WOW, and no bursting spark.

Feeling terrible, because Chad had worked so hard, and done everything so right, she broke one of her golden rules . . . she faked it. This was not Jayne’s wisest move, because well, Jayne just out-and-out sucked at faking orgasms.

Basically, Jayne’s oohs and ahhs never came out right. And the fake O with Chad was not an exception. As if she couldn’t leave bad enough alone, she tried to imitate her WOW squeal that came naturally during the big O, but without the real O, it came out sounding like an injured animal screaming for his mama. And when she started breathing hard and trembling—all part of the not-so-famous-fake—Chad looked at her and said, “I know you did that for me, but for God’s sake, please don’t ever do it again. That was by far the worst fake I’ve ever, ever heard.”

55. Focus on the Most Sensitive Erogenous Zone—Your Head.

At that moment, Jayne didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She ended up doing a little of both. Thank goodness Chad saw a bit of the humor in it, too. Especially after Jayne assured him that it wasn’t him, it was her.

When Chad asked her if there was some special area on her body he could work on to help her overcome her issue, Jayne instantly realized the truth. While her body had been willing to give the tumble in bed a shot, her head wasn’t in the right place. Her head was still focused on the stress in her life and her heart still reeled from the breakup she’d endured several months back.

That’s when she assured Chad again that his techniques had been on the mark, it was her head that needed some work, and that work had to be done by her, not him. Maybe she just needed some more time to put her last heartache to bed, time to work on her body/mind connection, or maybe she needed to find some other ways to get into the mood.

56. Seduce Yourself Into Feeling Seductive.

Because most men need zero / zilch / nada foreplay nor encouragement to be up for the occasion, a lot of times they are the ones who fall short of providing the woman the mood stimulators needed to get a girl ready for a night of passion. However, Jayne also knows that if a girl isn’t in the frame of mind to be seduced, a man is probably flat out of luck. So how does a girl seduce herself into feeling seductive? It varies from woman to woman, but Jayne knows after reading a good romance novel or watching a good romance flick, she’s more likely to feel in the mood. Finding ways to shed the stress before partaking in a romantic night also helps. Things like a good massage, a long bubble bath, or something as simple as painting her toenails, anything where she spends time pampering herself help Jayne start feeling sexy.

Oh, and a gift. What girl doesn’t like to get gifts, right? Especially gifts that make you feel good about yourself. Jayne has found that buying herself a present, say, a new pair of sexy underwear, or a new perfume that makes her feel as spicy as the scent, or maybe even a new pair of sexy high heels—one or all of them can jumpstart a girl’s libido.

57. Take Care of Your Body, So Your Body Will Take Care of You.

While Jayne worked at seducing herself into feeling up to arranging another all-nighter with Chad, one where she hopefully wouldn’t have to fake anything, she spotted something that was possibly part of the problem. And this potential problem wasn’t hard to spot, either. She’s not certain how she’d missed it until then. Especially when “it” stared back at her in the mirror every morning. But it didn’t become apparent to Jayne until the morning she found herself trying to squeeze into her jeans, and had to resort to falling back onto the bed and sucking in her gut, just to get her zipper up. (And they were her extra fat jeans, too.) Somehow, while mending her heart and wolfing down beer and ribs with Chad, Jayne had completely stopped taking care of herself. Taking that trip to the scales was like walking the green mile, but Jayne knew she had to do it.

After facing the music—a song that was about twenty pounds out of tune—Jayne realized that it wasn’t just her weight. Her normally stylish hair had grown unstyled and she’d resorted to just wearing the not-so-famous scrunchy do. Her eyebrows hadn’t been waxed in months, and that meant something else down south was probably looking a little wooly, too.

Could it be that she hadn’t felt like having sex because she hadn’t felt sexy? Jayne knew that feeling good about herself was the first step to looking good, but the truth was that she didn’t feel good. Her energy level was down and her confidence was hanging around her ankles. She’d stopped taking care of her body—and her body had stopped taking care of her.

A change in lifestyle was needed. She cut back on barbeque ribs and beer, and started back jogging. She waxed, lost her scrunchy, got a new style, and worked on regaining her spirit. Too bad Chad preferred the old Jayne because, in truth, the rib-eating, beer-drinking woman he’d met wasn’t actually the real Jayne. Slowly but surely, and without Chad, Jayne found her way back to her old body and spirit. It was good to be back home, too.

What Not to say

“I don’t care if I feel fat or ugly and it leads to not enjoying sex anymore. Sex is overrated anyway.”

Learn to Shake the Sugar Tree Without Tearing It Out by the Roots

Jayne had been dating Neal for about eight months when he suggested they move in together—share rent and expenses. Jayne really liked Neal but she had a few reservations about his proposition. For one, he hadn’t mentioned a future with her. And because Jayne wanted the traditional things—a ring, a wedding, and two kids—she spelled it out to him. Neal appeared shocked at first, but in the end, he agreed that he wanted the same things Jayne did.

So Jayne’s apartment became their apartment. Unlike some of her past male roomies, Neal paid his part of the bills, and did his chores. They settled into a relationship and a routine. Things were going great—well, great if all she wanted from Neal was a good roomie and ho-hum sex three times a week.

But she didn’t. Where was the romance or the sizzle she’d once experienced with him?

Next thing Jayne knew, Neal started spending more time with his friends than he did with her. The ho-hum, three-times-a-week sex dropped to two. Feeling frustrated, Jayne went to her mom for some advice. (Hey, her mom had managed to stay married to her dad for thirty years, and they still had sex. Unfortunately, Jayne knew this because last Christmas when she and Neal had stayed overnight, they’d heard her parents’ headboard banging against the wall. Oddly enough, the headboard where Neal and Jayne slept never banged. Not even once!)

“Sweetheart,” her mom said. “Sometimes you have to shake the sugar tree. Relationships don’t take care of themselves, you have to feed them.”

Armed with a lot of tips of how to feed a relationship, Jayne went home to shake the sugar tree. So, was she able to breathe fresh life into the romance? Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s see what Jayne did, hear a few of her mom’s tips, and see how everything turned out.

Tips from Jayne

58. Play with Each Other’s Fantasies—Be His Naughty Cheerleader If He’ll Be Your Fireman.

Depending on the man, getting him to talk about his fantasies can be difficult. But when Jayne started spilling her own beans, or secrets about how being rescued by a hot-looking fireman had always stirred her juices, Neal opened up about his attraction toward cheerleaders. With only a bit of encouragement, Neal agreed to do a little role playing. Now that led to some serious headboard banging and Jayne was thrilled.

Not that Jayne was finished shaking the sugar tree. Not even close. She had more fantasies and so did Neal. And as long as both of them were comfortable with the games they played, the sky was the limit. Turned out the sky was part of Neal’s fantasy. Thanks to a weekend flight to Las Vegas, Jayne now has her membership in the Mile-High Club.

She does suggest you watch out for the soap dispenser, though.

59. Take a Tour Down Memory Lane.

According to Jayne’s mom, remembering those firsts in a relationship can add new heat to the bedroom play. So Jayne suggested to Neal that they each try to figure out a date night that would remind them of their first few months together. Neal took Jayne back to the restaurant where they’d had their first date. They chatted about how attracted they were to each other on that first date, and about how she’d worn her granny panties just to make sure she didn’t sleep with him. And sure enough, the trip down memory lane ended in passion.

Jayne then managed to rent the same hotel room where they’d spent their first night together. She apologizes to anyone who might have been staying in the room next door, too.

So it seemed with just a little effort, Jayne and Neal could make ho-hum sex into something extra special. Well, it seemed that way for about three months.

Right about the time that Jayne mentioned she was late on her period. The thought that she might be pregnant was a tad unsettling to Jayne, but because she and Neal both wanted the same thing in life, it wasn’t the end of the world.

At least not to her.

60. All Relationships Require Some Effort, So Make Sure Yours Is Worth It.

The thought of being a father sent Neal headfirst into a full-blown panic. He wasn’t ready for fatherhood. Wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready for that.

“What?” Jayne asked. Hadn’t she and Neal talked about this? Hadn’t he agreed that the place their relationship was heading was to the whole marriage and kids kind of life?

Neal confessed that he’d never really wanted those things, but thought he had to say he did or he’d lose her. And, at the time, he’d wanted her bad enough to lie. However, he now went so far as to tell her that before she started trying to spark up the relationship, he’d been thinking about moving out.

Though his confession hurt, Jayne had learned a valuable lesson. Shaking the sugar tree really worked, and she was going to remember that, but next time she’d use it only on a man worthy of the effort. Basically, some relationships aren’t worth saving and when your relationship stops producing sugar, you need to know whether to offer it some TLC to help it along, or yank it up by the roots and turn it into kindling.

Neal was kindling. Thankfully, Jayne started her period and with a good dose of PMS, she sent Neal packing.

What Not to say

“I can’t hold it against you when you lie to me about your feelings or what you want in the relationship because I understand you were only saying it to get me in bed.”

The Ins, the Outs, and the Long Sighs of Sex and Seduction

Yep, no doubt about it. Jayne’s romantic history has given her some insight into the often thorny subject of sex and seduction. While Jayne will admit she’s still working toward finding the man she’ll spend the rest of her life loving and seducing, she’s learned that sharing her body with someone special should feel like something . . . well, special. Long gone are the times when women allowed men to enjoy their bodies without expecting some thrills and chills in return.

Long gone, too, are the days when a girl entered a sexual relationship without being aware of the consequences. Pregnancy and a long list of STDs should always be considered. For Jayne, condoms aren’t a choice; they are a rule. No glove, no love!

It may take a woman a while to tap into knowing what really turns her on, but the first step to discovering the joy of sex is believing you deserve it and finding that special someone who is willing to prove it.

Tips from Jayne

61. Sex Is Like Ice Cream—It Comes in a Lot of Flavors So Make Sure You and Your Partner’s Flavors Are Compatible.

He wants it fast and hard. You want it hard, but you also want it slow and seductive. Your idea of a wild night is giving each other massages with strawberry-flavored oil, and his is attending a swinger’s party. While learning to make each other happy can be part of the fun, Jayne has learned the hard way that if what turns your man on is a total turn-off for you, the relationship will be difficult. If Jayne’s comfort zones concerning sex don’t come close to meshing with his, that’s a cue for her to take a serious look at whether the relationship is worth pursuing. And no matter what, Jayne will never allow anyone to push her into a situation she’ll regret later on.

What Not to say

“Oh, it’s okay if you don’t want to wear a condom, I’m sure you would never lie about having had the vasectomy or being tested for STDs just last week. And if I end up pregnant or doing herpes commercials for the rest of my life, I’m sure these next few minutes are going to be so worth it.”

62. There Really Is a Difference Between Having Sex and Making Love.

Sex is good. It’s a part of being human. All by itself it can be hot, fun, and lusty. But add love to the equation—meaning, a partner concerned with fulfilling your needs, someone whose own sexual pleasure is as wrapped up in making you happy and who cares about your emotional well-being and that level of intimacy—and, well, the pleasure increases twofold. Love leads to more pillow talk, to more cuddling, to maybe a real back rub or a foot massage. Sex that is driven solely by lust will eventually lose its spark while sex driven by love comes with rechargeable batteries.

Chapter 6. The Other Women

How to Harness and Exploit Your Jealousy

Okay, reality check time. As much as you might like it to be otherwise, you will never be the only woman in your man’s life. There will be his assorted exes—some who bore his children, others who did not. There will also be his mother, his sister, his cousins and aunts, along with his neighbors, friends, and female colleagues. The list of potential other women is virtually endless. Luckily, you can handle them all with ease. Well, most of the time, anyway. And for those few times when you feel the unmistakable sting of jealousy over “the other woman” in your man’s life, well, it’s a safe bet that your emotions will probably be out of control.

This has happened to Jayne more often than she cares to admit, too. She’s let jealousy cause her to pour a perfectly good bowl of split-pea soup all over a boyfriend’s lap because she thought he was hitting on another woman. (How was Jayne supposed to know that was his sister?) Jayne calls it the Green-Eyed Witch Syndrome because that’s what it turns her into whenever she lets her jealousy run roughshod over her common sense.

Fortunately for Jayne, she’s learning how to harness, direct, and channel her jealousy in a more positive manner instead of letting her emotions send her careening out of control.

And if Jayne can do it, so can you.

Who Said Your Ex-Wife Could Tag Along?

If Jayne hadn’t been so enthralled with Greg’s seductive green eyes and rock-hard abs, she probably would have made their first date their last. And in retrospect, she probably should have, too.

They’d met shortly after his divorce, which had been another mistake. (On the upside, Jayne got to add a new page to her personal rule book: Never, ever date a man during the six months following his divorce.) Greg was sweet, had great eyes, and a nice smile. Plus, because he was a personal trainer, he had a body that was absolutely drool-worthy. So, when he’d asked her out, she said yes. They’d gone out to dinner at a local seafood restaurant and before she’d finished her cedar-grilled salmon, he’d already received three phone calls from his ex-wife, Kathy, regarding everything from how to reset a tripped circuit breaker for the kitchen to whether or not he could pick up their kids—Liz, age 7, and Greg, Jr., age 6—from daycare the next day because she just remembered that she had a work thing she had to do.

“Sorry,” Greg said each time his cell phone rang. “I swear she rarely calls me but things are just a little crazy today.”

Jayne had smiled and told him she understood. And she did. Well, some of it, anyway. She totally got why Kathy was calling and it had nothing to do with blown circuit breakers and picking up the kiddies from daycare. Nope. The way Jayne saw it, Kathy and Greg may have been divorced but Kathy wasn’t exactly moving on. She’d called because she knew he was on a date and she was determined to blow it for him.

What Jayne couldn’t figure out was why Greg let Kathy get away with it. Honestly, couldn’t he have turned off his cell phone or simply grown a pair and told his ex to knock it off? But Jayne really liked Greg so she’d swallowed her annoyance and kept quiet. She figured Kathy would eventually grow tired of her game.

Only she didn’t.

Kathy kept calling. And more importantly, Greg kept answering the phone.

But when the phone rang one Friday night while Greg and Jayne were making love, and he decided to commit coitis interruptus and answer the call—well, that was taking the whole “keeping the lines of communication open” thing a bit too far in Jayne’s opinion, and she officially lost her patience.

“Are you kidding me?” she demanded as he dove for his cell phone in the pocket of his blue jeans.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It could be about the kids. I have to take it.” He flipped open the phone and held it to his ear. “Hello?”

Jayne glared at him and then started muttering all kinds of nasty things under her breath about interfering ex-wives and clueless boyfriends.

“Kathy wants to talk about Greg, Jr.,” he said, lowering the phone. “He wants to take a karate class and she’s not sure it’s a good idea.”

“I’ll be in the living room,” she said and then grabbed her clothes and walked out of the bedroom to give him some privacy . . . and herself time to cool off.

It didn’t take Jayne long to realize she needed a plan of action. When Greg got off the phone, she needed to have a long chat with him about boundaries and her expectations for their relationship. She didn’t want him to stop being a responsible parent; that was part of the reason she cared about him so much. But he had to stop dropping everything—specifically her—when Kathy chose to call him because 99 percent of her calls were about nonemergencies that could wait until he wasn’t busy.

Like deciding whether or not their son should take up karate.

But how could Jayne make Greg understand that without having him think she was just a jealous girlfriend who didn’t want to share him with his kids?

Yep. Jayne needed a plan, and she needed one fast.

Tips from Jayne

63. Accept That Men Are Sometimes Clueless Where Their Exes Are Concerned.

When Greg got off the phone and joined her in the living room, she didn’t try to hide her anger from him. And, no, she wasn’t just angry because he’d left her feeling majorly unfulfilled a few moments before. (Okay, granted, that did piss her off. The man had actually stopped making love to her to answer the telephone. Seriously, who does that?) No, most of her anger stemmed from the short shrift she felt Greg was giving their relationship and his inability to recognize that his ex-wife was acting like a manipulative witch. (Only Jayne had pronounced “witch” with a “B” instead of a “W.”)

Jayne laid it all out for Greg. She told him she felt Kathy was trying to destroy their relationship; she also told him that Kathy only seemed to call with her crisis of the moment when Jayne was with him, which was why Jayne wanted him to set some boundaries for Kathy’s calls.

Greg listened—he really was a nice guy—but when she was finished telling him how she felt, he did something completely unforgivable. He laughed.

“I can’t believe it,” he said. “You’re actually jealous of Kathy.”

Jayne’s first instinct was to deny that she was jealous but she realized that would be pointless. The truth was that she was jealous of all the attention Greg was paying Kathy by taking her calls when he was supposed to be on a date with Jayne. But Jayne assured herself that she wasn’t jealous of Kathy as a woman—okay, so Kathy was a definite C cup and had much longer legs than Jayne would ever have. And Kathy was the mother of Greg’s two children, which meant she would always have a place in his life. But Jayne’s jealousy of Kathy was a natural response, just as it was perfectly natural for Kathy to be a little jealous of Jayne. (Or why else was she making all of those totally unnecessary phone calls?)

But just because Jayne was feeling a little jealous of Greg’s ex-wife didn’t mean she had fallen victim to the Green-Eyed Witch Syndrome, nor did it mean that Greg should automatically discount everything Jayne was saying. So, Jayne calmly explained that to Greg. She told him she was a little jealous of Kathy but then pointed out that her jealousy didn’t lessen the validity of what she had been saying. In Jayne’s opinion, Kathy was trying to break them up. More important, if Greg didn’t take some immediate steps, Kathy’s plan would likely succeed.

Words to Love By

Green-Eyed Witch Syndrome: The Green-Eyed Witch Syndrome is a mysterious ailment fueled by out-of-control jealousy that turns a normally secure woman into an emotionally immature and bitter harpy who nobody wants to be around.

64. Sometimes the Right Thing to Do Is to Walk Away. (Even If It Means You Let the Other Woman Win.)

Greg’s smile faded. “What are you saying?” he asked. “Are you asking me to choose between you and my kids? Because if you are . . . ”

“No,” Jayne said, interrupting him. “I would never ask you something like that.”

How could she when one of the things Jayne loved most about Greg was his devotion to his children? He was a great father, and she had no intention of ever trying to come between him and his kids. Her problem was with Kathy’s excessive number of phone calls, and Jayne told him so.

Unfortunately, Greg didn’t see the situation the same way that Jayne did. Sure, Kathy phoned him a lot, and sometimes those calls came at the worst possible time, but he wanted her to keep him in the loop about their kids. The thing was, Jayne was a realist. She knew that Greg was a newly divorced father with a lot of unresolved guilt about being a part-time dad who only got to see his kids on his scheduled visitation days. Kathy knew that and exploited it for her own reasons. (Jayne suspected it was because Kathy wanted her ex back but, honestly, only Kathy herself knew what was going on.) As much as Jayne cared about Greg, she knew their relationship had virtually no chance of success.

So, Jayne finally did what she should have done on their very first date. She gave Greg a kiss on his cheek and wished him well before walking away.

Cougar Alert! Or Is Jayne the Only One Who Sees Your Boss for What She Is?

Jayne wasn’t a huge fan of war movies—she much preferred romantic comedies—but when her best friend Lisa insisted they go see the latest World War II flick starring two of Hollywood’s hottest hunks, she agreed. It turned out Lisa had tapped into a great way to meet men because standing in line to buy tickets was where Jayne met Owen, a cute and funny account executive for a rapid communications company. Because Owen was with his friend Jon, the four grabbed seats in the theater next to each other and shared a bucket of popcorn. They’d enjoyed the movie, as well as the decaf cappuccinos they’d had later at a nearby coffee house. Jon and Lisa didn’t feel a spark but Owen and Jayne sure did. She gave him her phone number, and when he called her a couple of days later, she agreed to meet him for drinks. That led to dinner the following night and before long, they were in love.

Owen was a great boyfriend, too. Well, most of the time. He’d just gotten a big promotion at work, so almost all of their conversations were about his job. Jayne didn’t really mind, though. They were still in the stage where they were getting to know each other, and she found his enthusiasm for his career endearing. (What’s not to like about a man with ambition?) However, what did annoy her was the way he talked virtually nonstop about Coraline, his boss.

“Coraline says this is a great restaurant,” or “Coraline says that stock will soon tank,” and even, “Coraline says the team is a shoo-in for the Super Bowl this year.” Coraline, Coraline, Coraline! The woman apparently had an opinion on every subject and Owen seemed determined to share them all with Jayne. The only time Owen didn’t quote Coraline was when they were in bed. (And thank goodness for small favors because Jayne would have really lost it if he’d said anything along the lines of, “Coraline says this is the best position for maximum pleasure.”)

But Jayne’s tolerance for Owen’s preoccupation with all things Coraline came to an abrupt end once Jayne met the other woman. Instead of some matronly corporate type, Coraline was a much-too-hot-looking cougar . . . and it was blatantly obvious that the cougar had plans for Owen that went far beyond helping him climb to the next rung on the ladder of success. Too bad Owen was totally oblivious to his boss’s ulterior motives.

When Owen announced that he and Coraline were going to London for ten days for a series of business meetings, Jayne knew she had to take action. But what could she do to stop Coraline the Cougar from pouncing on Owen the moment Jayne wasn’t there to stop her? Should Jayne stay silent and hope for the best? Or should she insist that Owen not go to London, even though that might have an adverse impact on his job . . . and their relationship?

Tips from Jayne

65. Real Life’s Not Like Junior High. (Sometimes You Can’t Lock the Other Woman in the Girl’s Locker Room.)

And more’s the pity, too.

After all, if Jayne had her way, Coraline the Cougar would have been locked away in a reinforced steel cage somewhere while Jayne and Owen went to London on a romantic holiday. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility. And neither was confronting Coraline about her intentions regarding Owen. Saying, “Are you planning to seduce my boyfriend in London?” may sound good in theory but it loses a lot in the translation when the question is posed to your boyfriend’s boss.

Like it or not, Jayne didn’t have a lot of options where Coraline was concerned. Worst of all, Owen didn’t realize that Coraline was a cougar on the prowl . . . which was probably the biggest problem of all. So, Jayne did the only thing she felt she could do—she talked to Owen and shared her concerns about his upcoming trip to London with Coraline. Unfortunately, their chat didn’t go well. Owen told Jayne he thought she was being ridiculous. That led Jayne to issuing an ultimatum: “If you go with Coraline to London, we’re through.”

Words to Love By

Cougar: A Cougar is a hot-looking older woman who pounces on younger men the way a hungry mountain lion might pounce on a rabbit. Rather than looking for a life partner, cougars thrive on the thrill of the hunt and the satisfaction of another conquest.

66. If You Can’t Trust Your Man, Then Maybe He’s Not the Man for You.

Jayne rarely issues ultimatums in her relationships because she knows how easily they can backfire. Even if you win the battle, you can still lose the war because nobody likes to feel that they’ve been manipulated and let’s face it, ultimatums are all about manipulating someone into doing your bidding. Sooner or later, that will likely cause a rift in the relationship. Still, Jayne had meant what she’d said to Owen. If he went to London with Coraline, their relationship would be over, as far as Jayne was concerned.

“Why are you acting like this?” Owen asked. “Don’t you trust me?”

“You’re not the one I’m worried about,” Jayne said. “It’s Coraline that I don’t trust.”

But even as Jayne said the words, she knew she didn’t quite believe them. Sure, Coraline was a cougar and when the moment was right, Coraline would certainly pounce on Owen. But Coraline couldn’t convince Owen—or any other man for that matter—to do anything he didn’t want to do. Owen was right. Jayne had to trust him. And if she couldn’t do that, then maybe he wasn’t the right man for her. And as it turned out, Owen wasn’t.

Because when he went to London with Coraline for their business trip, he ended up sleeping with his boss, just as Jayne had feared he would. So, goodbye, Owen.

What Not to say

“Sure, I’m jealous of the other women in your life but let’s not lose sight of what’s really important here—your ego. After all, stroking your ego is much more important than soothing my fears.”

Wild about Harry? Absolutely. But Wild about Harriet?

Jayne’s employer was hosting a big party at the end of the month to celebrate a successful acquisition. A party meant a new outfit, so Jayne headed off to her favorite department store with her best friend, Lisa, to find one. Jayne must have tried on a dozen different ensembles before she stepped out of the dressing room in a shape-hugging, sea foam green silk pants suit for Lisa’s inspection. Only Lisa wasn’t there—she’d spotted a killer pair of shoes a few departments over and had gone to investigate.

And that’s when Jayne met Harry.

“It looks beautiful on you,” came a deep male voice as she checked out her reflection in the mirror.

Jayne turned to find a tall, leanly muscular blond-haired hunk standing next to the vacant sales counter.

“I beg your pardon?” she said, not sure if he’d been talking to her.

He smiled. “The outfit. I assume you wanted to model it for your girlfriend. I don’t know what she’ll say but I definitely vote you buy it. You look great.”

She smiled back. “Thanks. She’ll probably tell me it’s too dressy for an office party.”

“Ah.” Their gazes held for a moment, and then his smile slid into a sexy grin that warmed her all the way down to the soles of her feet. “In that case, I say buy the outfit, ditch the office party, and have dinner with me instead.”

Jayne laughed. It was the first time she’d ever been hit on by a man in the women’s clothing department, which made her wonder what the heck he was doing there. After all, most men avoided those kinds of places like the proverbial plague. But then the sales clerk came out from the back room and handed him a brightly wrapped gift box.

“Sorry for taking so long, Harry,” she said, “but I wanted to get the bow just right because it’s for your mom’s birthday.”

“Thanks,” Harry said and tucked the box under his arm.

The sales clerk flashed Harry a smile that suggested she wouldn’t mind assisting him with a lot more than just wrapping a gift for his mom and then sashayed away.

He turned to Jayne. “So, what’s the decision? Are you buying the outfit?”

Jayne glanced down at the pants suit. “Not sure yet.”

“So no to dinner then?” He looked disappointed.

“Hmm . . . how about I meet you for coffee instead?”

Harry had agreed, and their coffee date soon led to movie dates and then on to dinner dates. Jayne really liked Harry, too. He was a lot of fun—sexy, smart, and he didn’t even balk when she asked him to escort her to her office party later that month. Plus, he even remembered his mother’s birthday. Harry had potential Keeper written all over him.

Jayne went back to the department store and bought the silk pants suit . . . along with some sexy black lingerie she couldn’t wait to model for Harry when they came back from the office party. They hadn’t become intimate yet, but Jayne had high hopes that this would be the night. She placed the bag with the lingerie on her bed and when he picked her up that night, she told him she had a surprise for him when they got home later.

Harry was intrigued. All night, he asked her what her surprise was, but she refused to tell. The sexual tension built between them. Several hours later, when they arrived back at her place, Harry wrapped his arms around her waist. “So what’s in that bag I saw you put on your bed, Jayne?” His warm breath sent shivers of erotic anticipation down her spine.

“Why don’t you go take a look and tell me what you think,” Jayne suggested huskily.

Harry gave her a kiss on her forehead and walked into the bedroom. Jayne’s hands shook as she pulled down a bottle of her favorite wine, grabbed the corkscrew and a couple of glasses, and set them on the counter. She wanted their first time together to be special. But when she walked into her bedroom a little while later, carrying the two glasses of wine, she found Harry standing in front of her bed wearing her new lingerie.

What’s more, damned if he didn’t look better in it than she had.

She downed the first glass of wine.

“I normally go with a size larger,” he confessed, “but I love it. What do you think?”

What did she think? Oh, that was a dangerous question.

And then she downed the second glass of wine.

Tips from Jayne

67. Sometimes the Best Thing to Say Is Nothing At All.

And if the occasion is discovering your boyfriend—okay, your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend—wearing the new lingerie you’d been planning to wear to seduce him, well, the chances are great that you wouldn’t be capable of speech, anyway.

Harry quickly realized that Jayne hadn’t bought the lingerie for him. Okay, so she had, but not in the way he’d assumed. He suggested that he get dressed and meet her in the living room and Jayne quietly walked out of the bedroom. She was pouring herself another glass of wine when he joined her a few minutes later.

Harry started by telling her that he was crazy about her, that he’d been fantasizing about making love to her since the day they’d met, and that he thought the two of them had a great shot at building a future together. Then he reassured her that he wasn’t gay, but he did like wearing women’s clothes, especially sexy lingerie. The feel of the sensuous fabric against his bare skin really turned him on. He asked her if she could be okay with that.

Jayne, who was beginning to feel the effects of the wine by that point, was honest. She told Harry that she liked him a lot but she thought it best if they parted as friends.

Harry nodded, and then he thanked her for not laughing at him or saying anything cruel when she’d walked into the bedroom. Then he gave her another kiss on her forehead and left.

68. If You Can Harness It, Jealousy Can Lead You to Some Amazing Insights.

Jayne did a lot of thinking after Harry left—about how the emotion he’d inspired her to feel most was jealousy. Yep, she was jealous of Harry. Not because he looked better in her new lingerie than she had—although that still burned just a little—but because he was comfortable enough in his own skin to be honest with her about his fetish for wearing women’s clothing. Learning how to accept herself, quirks and all, was one of the hardest lessons that Jayne ever tried to master. And she thanked Harry for helping her get a little closer to her goal.

What Not to say

“When I feel jealous, I don’t need to do any self-analysis to see why I’m feeling that way. I mean, who needs to gain insight or learn life lessons from our screw-ups when we can have so much more fun repeating the same mistakes over and over again.”

Harness Your Jealousy, Free Yourself. (Or So the Theory Goes, Anyway.)

The other woman. She can come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes—as Jayne discovered with Harry—the other woman can even come in a different gender. From exes who don’t recognize boundaries to bosses who are more interested in combining a lot of pleasure with a little bit of business, the other woman can wreak havoc in even the strongest romantic relationship. Jayne is living proof.

Okay, well, maybe not “living” in the technical sense of the word, but you get the idea. Jayne has felt the sting of jealousy, but after having dealt with it in a few thousand romance novels she’s finally learned to deal with it. But better than that, Jayne has learned to grow from it, too. It’s a life lesson she’s not likely to forget.

Words to Love By

Life Lesson: A Life Lesson is the kernel of truth that leads to understanding—either about yourself or life in general—that you take away from a bad experience.

Tips from Jayne

69. Admitting You Are Jealous Is the First Step Toward Overcoming the Emotion.

Jealousy is a lot like a serious addiction—if left untreated, both can destroy your life. And like battling an addiction, the first step toward overcoming jealousy is to admit you have a problem.

Jayne has learned it’s okay to admit that you’re jealous of the other woman. Because once you can admit that you feel the emotion, you can work at controlling your jealousy, rather than letting it control you.

If Jayne can do it, you can, too!

Chapter 7. Revenge!

Settle the Score Like a True Romance Heroine

Ah, sweet revenge. It’s been a common theme of romance novels since—well, since authors decided to write romances in the first place. And why not? Women are the primary readers of the genre, and what woman doesn’t enjoy reading about a Creeper who gets his comeuppance at the oh-so-adept hands of the heroine?

Jayne is a big fan of those revenge stories, too. In fact, she’s starred in quite a few over the years. She’s avenged her family’s honor against evil viscounts, greedy land barons, and cruel despots from faraway lands. She’s gotten revenge by bringing down malevolent kings and power-mad wizards, and she’s even slain a few double-crossing demons, ghouls, and vampires along the way.

So when it comes to matters of the heart? Yep. You guessed it. Jayne has her own way of evening the score with a former lover, and it often isn’t pretty . . . or even particularly legal. But then, Jayne is a fictional character who doesn’t have to worry about repercussions the way that real women do. Still, you could learn a lot from Jayne when it comes to practicing the fine art of revenge . . . even if you find yourself only wishing that you could be as bold as our intrepid heroine.

“Mi Casa Es Su Casa” . . . to an Extent

Jayne is a sucker for a handsome man with a hard-luck story. Why, look what happened when she met Adam, a gorgeous, down-on-his-luck used car salesman. Jayne had been burned—twice, actually—by used car salesmen who’d smiled and lied to her face when they sold her lemons, so she should have known better than to fall for Adam’s too-smooth-to-be-true lines. But fall she did and she fell hard, too. Maybe it was his melt-her-panties-off kisses or that sexy grin of his that never failed to set her body on fire. Or maybe it was simply his woe-is-me story about how he’d lost his job because of slow sales and a vindictive boss, especially when he added that, thanks to a vengeful ex-wife who was bleeding him dry, he couldn’t afford the rent on his condo and might end up living in his car.

Whatever the reason, in no time at all, Adam was sharing Jayne’s bed . . . and the rest of her apartment. Rather than actually go out and look for a new job, Adam spent his days in front of the TV, waiting for a headhunter to get back to him with leads. And God forbid Adam should help out with the chores. But Jayne didn’t mind paying all the bills, or doing laundry for two instead of just one. She pulled in a good salary and she enjoyed taking care of “her man.” Did we mention that Jayne was in love? What’s more, she envisioned a future with Adam, and for a while she was certain that he was “the one.”

Of course, she was wrong.

Really wrong.

In fact, it turned out there was a good reason why she didn’t like used car salesmen. Not only had Adam lied about the “vengeful” ex—Adam didn’t have an ex-wife, but he was in arrears for child support payments to two former girlfriends—but it turned out he hadn’t told the truth about using a job recruitment service to find new employment. Either that, or Adam had a totally different definition for the word, “headhunter.” Jayne arrived home early from work one day and found him moaning, “Yeah, baby, yeah” while some bimbo gave him a blow job.

Seriously? The man freeloaded off of Jayne for months and this was the thanks she got?

It was the final straw and it not only broke that proverbial camel’s back, it outright killed the poor thing.

Jayne kicked Adam out of her apartment—and her life—but was that enough to make her displeasure known at having been used and abused?

No . . . not by a long shot.

Tips from Jayne

70. Teach Him a Lesson He Won’t Soon Forget.

And the best way to do that is to date his brother—or best friend if his brother isn’t available—and do it in the most flamboyantly, in-your-face way possible.

For Jayne, this means arranging for Adam to see her, looking as happy and sexy as possible—think a smoking hot, skin-tight micro mini, a Wonder bra, and a low-cut blouse that shows off the girls to perfection—all while she’s stuck to the side of his brother or best friend as though somebody Super Glued the two of them together. And if they share a kiss in front of him, all the better.

So, why go to all this trouble? That’s easy—revenge. Jayne knows that seeing her with another man will drive her cheater of an ex-boyfriend crazy wild with jealousy. When the arm of the man her ex sees her hanging off of belongs to someone close to him, say his best friend or brother, it intensifies the effect. After all, men are territorial creatures by nature. That makes it easy for them to be blinded by Man Logic, which says that what was once theirs—whether it’s a car or a woman—should remain forever off limits to other men. It’s a belief that is part of their Code, the old “bros before hos” philosophy they adopted as drunk frat boys in college. But as Jayne has learned, the Code is quickly abandoned if a man thinks he’s going to get lucky with a hot-looking woman, which makes it oh-so-easy to claim her revenge on her two-timing ex.

Now, is it wrong to use someone to get even with an ex? Yeah, but Jayne isn’t planning to lead anybody on—why, that would make her as bad as her ex. So, if Adam’s brother or best friend is looking for a relationship, she’ll have to find a Plan B. But if he’s open to the idea of a fling . . . well, what better way than to take her revenge?

Words to Love By

Man Logic: The totally illogical thought processes that sometimes plague men, e.g., that the women they once dated will forever be off the market.

71. Out Him As a Cheater So the Whole World Knows What He Did. (a.k.a. Plan B.)

Jayne is a big fan of technology. She rarely ever leaves home without her cell phone and loves to share text messages with her friends all day. And as for the Internet, well what’s not to love about that? She participates in several social networking sites and enjoys sharing photos and videos, as well as blogging about her life.

So, the first thing Jayne did after Adam’s betrayal was to log on to the Internet. She blogged about Adam’s infidelity on all her social networking sites, as well as uploaded photos of him, to warn other women not to make the same mistake she had.

The response was immediate.

Adam was labeled a loser by every woman who read the blog. What’s more, Jayne was invited to share her story with millions of other women on a website about cheating boyfriends, which she did. And then she passed along the link to everyone she knew—including Adam and all of his friends.

Yep. Technology is great. Whether you want to get the latest weather forecasts, the top news stories, or some sweet revenge . . . it’s all just a mouse click away.

Every Picture Tells a Story but This One Isn’t for Public Viewing

If Jayne has one fault, it’s trusting too fast . . . and too unwisely. She met Rafe, a gorgeous insurance executive, when she used a “one week free” trial membership to the new sports club near her apartment. She quickly signed up for a six-month package when she found out that Rafe worked out every evening on the elliptical trainer next to her treadmill. My, but the man was a delicious piece of eye candy in his chest-sculpting black tee shirt and shorts. In fact, Rafe, with his dark, good looks and well-toned body, got her pulse rate up faster—and higher—than a twenty-minute run on the treadmill ever could.

And his voice—deep, rich, and as seductive as sin—oh, his voice was the stuff of sexual fantasies. Well, her sexual fantasies, anyway. Who could possibly resist him?

Certainly not Jayne.

Soon, they were sharing a lot more than just workout space at the gym. Their sexual chemistry was hotter and more intense than anything Jayne had ever experienced. His taste, his touch consumed her until all she wanted, and all she could think about wanting, was being with him. But when Rafe told her that he wanted to take intimate photographs of her so he could immortalize every delectable inch of her body, she hesitated. On one hand, Jayne didn’t consider herself a prude and she thought that a private photo session had the potential to be an unforgettable erotic experience for them both. On the other hand, she didn’t feel comfortable enough with Rafe to let him take naked photos of her, although she wasn’t exactly sure why. But Rafe was nothing if not persistent. He told Jayne he loved her, and that if she loved him, she would trust him. Besides, he promised that the photos he took of her would never leave his personal possession . . . and they would both have a lot of fun making them.

Jayne gave in, and Rafe was right. They did have a lot of fun during their photo shoot. Unfortunately Jayne soon discovered that she wasn’t the only one who had posed for Rafe. In fact, he had dozens of photos of different women—now all part of his personal porn collection. Jayne was furious. She ended their relationship and demanded he destroy her photos. Rafe just laughed. If she wanted to end things, that was fine with him, but he wasn’t going to destroy the photos; they were his, and there was nothing she could do to make him change his mind, either. Of course, he had promised that the pictures would never leave his possession but if she wanted to get pissy about things, he might just share them with everyone down at the gym. Feeling mortified, and more than something of a fool, Jayne stormed out of his apartment.

What to do, what to do? Does Jayne chalk all of this up as a lesson learned and hope like hell that Rafe keeps his promise never to share the photos? Or does she strike back?

What do you think?

Tips from Jayne

72. Slap His Butt with a Lawsuit.

Jayne learned too late that Rafe wasn’t the man she thought he was. Yeah, she really should have listened to that little voice inside her head that warned her against letting him take intimate photos of her. Of course, she’ll know better next time, although that’s really no help to her now. What Jayne needs to do is strike back hard and fast by contacting a high-profile attorney and seeing what her legal options are for recovering the photos. Laws can vary from one state to another, but if it’s possible to do so Jayne will slap his butt with a lawsuit that should be enough to make him turn over the photos. And if not? Well, Jayne may just have to plead her case before a judge.

Rafe may follow through with his threat to share the pictures with the other members of the gym, but Jayne can’t let fear of reprisal keep her from taking action. Besides, if Rafe does distribute the pictures, Jayne’s attorney will make sure he pays the price for violating her privacy. Of course, a cash settlement won’t change anything. Jayne’s naughty photos will still have been distributed to the other gym members, but Rafe will have paid dearly for his bad behavior.

Justice rocks.

What Not to say

“Revenge? Oh, I’d never do anything like that. I don’t like to make waves. So, when people rob me, cheat on me, and dishonor me, I just lie there like a doormat and take it.”

73. Recruit Reinforcements and Launch a Full-Scale Attack.

Remember all those naked pictures of other women in Rafe’s private porn collection? Jayne sure does, and she wastes little time in tracking down the other women. (It’s amazing how a tiny ad on Craigslist.org can help connect people.)

As Jayne suspected, the other women weren’t any more pleased to hear that their photos were part of Rafe’s porn collection than Jayne had been. Together, they issued Rafe an ultimatum: Either he destroy all the photos in his collection in their presence—yeah, like they’d trust him to do it on his own—or suffer the consequences of their combined wrath. Rafe wasn’t a fool so he immediately capitulated.

After all, Rafe could probably handle one pissed-off ex-lover but a dozen or more? Not a chance.

Cyber Sex on My Computer? Really? I Don’t Think So!

Jayne loved to spend cold winter days down at her favorite coffee house, sipping on a nonfat mocha latte, and playing on her laptop. (You have to love that free Internet access and cozy seating area in front of the fireplace!) On one such Sunday afternoon, her trusty laptop crashed in the middle of a music download and that’s when she met Mick—a smart and sexy web designer with a smile so hot it could melt the snow piling up outside. Not only did he fix her laptop, he totally charmed her. By the time they left the coffee house four hours later, Mick had scored her phone number and convinced Jayne to join him for dinner the following night.

Mick looked even better when he picked her up for their date, too. Over pasta and glasses of wine at an intimate Italian restaurant, they got to know each other better. He told her about his dream to open his own web design company; she shared her own career goals with him. Maybe it was the romantic candlelight, the cabernet, or the seductive scent of his aftershave each time he leaned in close, but Jayne found herself falling deeper under Mick’s spell. The stroke of his fingertips against hers sent shivers of pleasure rippling throughout her body. Even though she made it a rule never to have sex on a first date, she gladly broke that rule where Mick was concerned. Their night together was as magical and as passionate as she could have ever imagined, and they soon settled into an exclusive relationship that satisfied all of her physical needs.

As for her emotional needs, well . . . Mick was a great lover but he left a lot to be desired when it came to fulfilling her yearning for social interaction. Of course, she blamed most of that on his job, which kept him busy for ten to twelve hours a day. Many nights, instead of cuddling with her on the living room sofa, Mick would be cuddling with his computer—or with hers, whenever he was spending the night at her place. Still, he always tried to make it up to her when they hit the bedroom. In fact, some nights his desire for her was so intense, it took her breath away.

One evening, however, while Mick was working late at her place, Jayne got a peek at her computer screen while he was in the bathroom and realized that he wasn’t designing web pages so much as he was having cyber sex in an adults-only chat room. Apparently, he was a regular at the chat room, too, because he had his own custom avatar and profile. No wonder he was always in the mood for sex after he finished “working” on the computer! But when Jayne confronted him about his cyber sex shenanigans, Mick told her she was crazy and shut off the computer, refusing to discuss the matter any further. “Call me when you come to your senses,” he said and stormed out of her apartment.

Still furious, Jayne turned on her laptop but couldn’t find any proof that he’d ever visited the adult chat site . . . or any other website, for that matter. Mick had loaded some kind of a security utility that removed all records of his online activity. But Jayne knew what she’d seen, even if she didn’t have the proof to back up her accusations.

But the bigger question was, should she write off his indiscretions as a one-time mistake in judgment and just forgive and forget?

Or should she dump him and even the score?

Tips from Jayne

74. There Is No Offense That a Little Revenge Sex (Well, Sort of) Can’t Resolve.

The part that hurt Jayne the most about Mick’s extracurricular online activities was the knowledge that he had used her. All of the times when they’d had sex after he’d logged off of the computer, he hadn’t been thinking about being with her. Nope. He’d been thinking about being with SexyXXXLady or SoHot4U, who may not have even been female for all Mick knew or even cared. (Not that the gender of his online lovers really mattered. Cheating is still cheating.)

He’d used her and that’s why Jayne decided to get even with a little revenge sex. First, Jayne called Mick and apologized for their argument and asked if she could “make it up to him.” They made a date, and Jayne showed up at his apartment in her hottest outfit and carrying a pair of fur-lined handcuffs. But once she had him naked and handcuffed to his headboard, ready for some of the kinkiest sex of his life, Jayne calmly got dressed, set the keys to the handcuffs on the nightstand and told him they were over. Done. Finished. And then she left his apartment, ignoring his stream of curses.

Now, did Jayne exhibit an immature response to the whole situation? Well, yeah. But Jayne felt he had it coming . . . and she did call his landlord an hour later and report a problem that needed immediate attention, so Mick wasn’t “tied up” for that long.

And besides, Jayne will have plenty of time to act mature now that she’s gotten her revenge.

Words to Love By

Revenge Sex: Fueled by the need to get even with the one who did you wrong, Revenge Sex uses the power of lust to balance the scales of justice.

75. Set a Trap and Laugh As the Creeper Takes the Bait.

Jayne knows that Mick was having cyber sex on her laptop but she’d feel much more comfortable having the evidence to toss into his face. (Let’s face it. Every woman wants to hear a man admit that he did her wrong.) Luckily, Jayne had the perfect plan.

Jayne created her own account at the online chat room he’d been frequenting and engaged him in a conversation that ended with their talking dirty to each other. Really dirty, too. But just having a written log of Mick having cyber sex wasn’t enough for Jayne. For one thing, he could claim that he’d known it was her all along. And for another, she really wanted the two-timing slimeball to pay. So, Jayne ratcheted it up a notch by sending Mick a photo of a sexy friend of hers—someone that Mick had never met, naturally. Jayne then scheduled an in-person meet at a nearby bar so they could hook up for real. When Mick showed, with condoms and sex toys in a brown paper bag, wearing the tight leather pants, a bright red shirt, and fake porn-stache that she insisted he wear, the decoy quickly left—but not before “accidentally” spilling Mick’s bag of toys on the floor at his feet just moments before his mom and dad showed up. Jayne had thoughtfully asked them to join him for drinks.

Ah, revenge. There’s really nothing quite like it.

What Makes You Think Jayne Wants to Be Your Sugar Mama?

Jayne met Danny, a tall, handsome bartender at O’Malley’s Restaurant, when she grabbed a seat at the bar to meet a blind date for drinks. It had been a slow night at the popular hangout, and Jayne and Danny struck up a casual conversation while she waited. When it became clear that her date was going to be a no-show, Danny poured her a free glass of wine and told her that her date was a fool. “A beautiful woman like you deserves much better,” he said, flashing a sexy grin that totally took the sting out of being stood up.

He told her a customer had given him a couple of tickets to a weekend music and food festival and asked her if she would join him. She said yes. Somewhere between dancing in the park to an eclectic mix of polka, jazz, and country and western music, and sampling some of the best food in the city, she began to fall for Danny.

And why not? He was charming, sexy, and a lot of fun . . . even if she did have to pick up the tab for their food and drinks because he’d forgotten his wallet. (How could she be mad when he was so apologetic about it?)

Soon, they were seeing each other every day. And although Danny seemed to “forget” his wallet a lot when they went out together, Jayne told herself it didn’t matter who paid as long as they were happy together. Besides, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Danny was having financial problems. Not only did he have those memory problems about his wallet, he couldn’t even get a new cell phone when his old one was stolen one night at O’Malley’s. Jayne felt sorry for him, so when he asked her if she would get him a phone through her wireless plan, she readily agreed, instead of asking him why he couldn’t just get a replacement phone from his own carrier. He was her boyfriend, after all, and he would never stiff her.

Only he did.

Danny quickly ran up charges on the cell phone, charges that Jayne had to pay when he didn’t come through with the money. Plus, she found out his old cell phone hadn’t been stolen; the carrier had just shut it off because he never paid the bill. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, Jayne discovered that he had taken her credit card from her wallet one night while she was asleep and used it to make a few thousand dollars of unauthorized charges. When she confronted him about it, he said that he’d realized he needed to pay his car insurance, past-due utility bills, and purchase a new High Def TV for his apartment around 1:00 a.m. and hadn’t wanted to wake her to ask for permission because he knew she would be cool with it. As for why he hadn’t mentioned it until the bill came in, well, Danny said it had slipped his mind. But he swore he was good for the charges and he promised to pay her back. Only he didn’t, so Jayne had to pay for the charges.

What’s worse, Danny ran up even more charges on the wireless account and this time, when she confronted him about it, he dumped her, telling her that she was a nagging bitch and it was no wonder that blind date of hers hadn’t shown up all those months before.

What a jerk!

Jayne immediately shut off his cell phone but that didn’t help her pay for all of those charges on her credit card and wireless account. Nope. Jayne would be the one stuck with the bills. But at least Danny had gotten one thing right . . . she really did deserve much better than this.

And what’s more, Danny needed to pay—with interest!

Tips from Jayne

76. File a Criminal Complaint for Theft.

It was bad enough that Danny ran up Jayne’s wireless phone bill. When he used her credit card without permission, he committed theft, fraud, and who knows how many other crimes. (Too bad he can’t be prosecuted for being a Creeper, too!)

Jayne is all about reclaiming her dignity and securing a little justice. Danny went too far when he stole her card and he should be reported, especially when it’s clear that he has no intention of paying her back as he promised he’d do. She probably will never get her money back but at least she’s gotten her revenge . . . and maybe even saved the next woman Danny tries to fleece.

What Not to say

“It’s okay. I understand that you have needs and that if I want to be in your life, I’m going to have to satisfy those needs, whether they include giving you a big screen TV, some Chinese take-out, or a blow job.”

77. Embarrass Him Into Paying You What He Owes You.

Remember all of those wireless phone charges Danny made? Jayne sure does, and that’s why she decided to comb through the phone numbers on the bill to see who Danny was calling. (Too bad she didn’t do that earlier or she might have noticed that Danny was also talking with a couple of other women while he was supposed to be dating only her.)

Once Jayne had her list of Danny’s contacts, she started calling them. She explained who she was and what she wanted—namely, for them to pass along a message to Danny that she needed him to pay her back, just like he’d promised.

Her plan worked, too.

Soon, Danny was calling Jayne, outraged that she was “bothering” his friends, some of whom were women he was probably planning to scam out of their hard-earned money, too. “Then pay me what you owe me, jerk,” Jayne said.

Danny quickly saw the wisdom in doing the right thing.

78. Stop Setting Yourself Up to Be a Victim.

In retrospect, Jayne should have known that Danny—sexy and charming though he was—was a Creeper who’d only bring her trouble. After all, he’d stuck her with the bills throughout their entire relationship. (Honestly, how many times can somebody “forget” to bring their wallet?) So, why would she agree to get him a cell phone and assume the financial responsibility? (It’s like she’s never seen an episode of Judge Judy , for pity’s sake!) It’s one thing to want to help a boyfriend out of a little jam, but it’s quite another when it becomes obvious that he’s using you as his very own sugar mama. And this was before he ever lifted her credit card and went on his late-night shopping spree!

Jayne learned a lot of valuable lessons from Danny, the biggest one being that she had to stop setting herself up to be a victim.

Having the Last Laugh

Okay, we admit it. We love a good revenge story, especially when it’s about a Creeper who gets his comeuppance at the hands of the one he did wrong. Call it what you will—karma, payback, poetic justice—we think getting revenge is really all about regaining your personal power. Think about it. Deciding to “settle the score” means you’re tired of being a victim and you’re ready to stand up and shout, “Like hell you will!” whenever some Creeper tries to destroy your faith in love.

After all, sometimes faith can be a fragile thing. Losing it and losing your ability to trust often leads to bitterness and skepticism, which is no way to live.

Jayne knows this.

In fact, you really have to give Jayne points for being resilient. No matter how many times a Creeper may try and break her spirit, no matter how many times she feels as though she’s sunk as low as she can possibly sink, she always bounces back . . . and better than ever, too. Mostly because she knows how to stand up for herself and, when appropriate, seek revenge.

Tips from Jayne

79. Embrace the Experience and Learn from the Lessons It Teaches You.

Ultimately, every life experience is an opportunity for you to learn . . . assuming you can get past the pain and view the situation objectively. And you really need to let go of the heartache or you’ll likely end up like Jayne’s poor Great Aunt Sarah who never married and lived a life filled with bitterness and disillusion following a broken engagement forty years earlier. Great Aunt Sarah trusted no one and found little joy or beauty anywhere around her. Such a sad woman. Fortunately, Jayne does let go of the heartache—confronting the one who did you wrong can be so therapeutic—and she moves on with her life. But then, our Jayne is a smart woman.

From evaluating her relationships with Adam, Mick, Rafe, and Danny, Jayne gains valuable insight into her own psyche. She realizes she trusted too quickly. She ignored her instincts and the warning voice inside her head. Most of all, she set herself up to be a victim. Next time she’ll know better.

Next time, she’ll make better choices.

Next time, she might even find her own Keeper.

80. Living Well Is the Best Revenge.

So, what is the most important tip Jayne wants to share about the fine art of revenge? Yep. You guessed it: It’s thriving in the face of adversity. In fact, the best way to get revenge on a lying, cheating, scamming slime ball of an ex is to prove to him that whatever he did to you won’t leave permanent scars. And the best way—maybe even the only way—to do that is by living a successful, happy life.

After all, in the final analysis, isn’t that the best revenge?

Chapter 8. Secret Babies and Resurrected Lovers

Dealing with Emotional Firestorms

Love. It can make you feel better than even the absolute best Belgian chocolates. First, there is the endorphin rush that sends you floating six feet off the ground when you first realize you’re in love, and then comes the feeling of euphoria that launches you even higher when your man tells you he feels it too. Oh, and let’s not forget the gut-wrenching, heart-shattering, river-of-tears-generating drama when Fate plants a pothole the size of a water buffalo in the middle of your road to romantic bliss.

Now, potholes are to be expected, even the extra large variety. After all, everybody knows the course of true love never runs smoothly, whether in a romance novel or in real life. Just ask Jayne. She’s experienced every kind of romantic complication imaginable, from the stressors of conflicting career goals—she’s a vampire slayer, he’s a vampire—to the more serious complications caused by external forces—being stalked by serial killers, hunted by alien bounty hunters, and outwitted by scheming Regency doyennes who will stop at absolutely nothing to marry Jayne off to anyone but her hero of choice. And then there are the assorted secret babies, resurrected lovers, pestilence, plague, and the occasional war—with or without a pack of werewolves or an evil demon king—thrown in for good measure.

They are the emotional firestorms that turn our love lives upside down, and cause less resilient women to give up on a romance altogether. Not Jayne, however. She knows just how to deal with the Relationship Speed Bumps, or RSBs, that can send her romance spiraling out of control.

Read on and learn how you, too, can handle those RSBs like a romance heroine.

Words to Love By

Relationship Speed Bump: A Relationship Speed Bump is one of those completely unexpected road hazards that we encounter during love’s journey. Sometimes an RSB will cause a little jostle that rattles our nerves; other times, it can send love crashing into the nearest ditch.

Recognizing Baby-Mama Drama

Andre was a perfect boyfriend—or so Jayne had thought. They’d met in a local art museum one rainy afternoon. Jayne was checking out the new Expressionism exhibit, and Andre was . . . well, checking out Jayne. She didn’t dislike his attention, though. Like most women, she didn’t mind a little appreciation by a good-looking man, just as long as he wasn’t being crude about it. Besides, Andre with his dark brown eyes, broad shoulders, and sexy smile could warm any woman’s heart.

“Do I know you?” Jayne asked finally when his stares became too much to ignore.

“I’m the man you’re having dinner with tonight,” Andre said.

Yeah, his line was corny but the twinkle in his eyes made her want to smile back at him.

“Cute,” she told him. “But what makes you think I want to have dinner with you?”

His smile deepened. “Good question. Why don’t we discuss it over coffee?”

She laughed, and he laughed back. He had a great laugh, too, deep and totally masculine. They got better acquainted over low-fat lattes in a nearby coffee shop, and when he later asked if she’d join him for dinner that evening, she said yes. Dinner was great, too, but not nearly as great as when Andre called her later that night and serenaded her over the phone with an old Marvin Gaye song that sent her libido into overdrive.

Okay, so maybe Andre’s voice wasn’t as great as Justin’s or Kanye’s, but he got major points for trying to impress her. Ditto for the flowers he’d sent the next day. (He’d chosen gerbera daisies, which were her favorite.) But he scored the most points a month later when he came over to her place after she’d had a particularly grueling day at work and cooked her dinner while she soaked in the tub.

No doubt about it, Andre definitely knew how to woo a woman. And before long, Jayne was head over heels in love with him. Andre said he felt the same way about her. Six months after they’d met in the museum, he’d moved in with her. But he’d barely had time to unpack his underwear when they encountered their first RSB, and it was a doozy.

More specifically, it was an adorable five-month-old doozy named Mia. Her mother dropped her off one morning while Andre was out and Jayne was hurrying out the door to meet her best friend Lisa for lunch. “This is Andre’s daughter, Mia,” the woman said. “That bastard won’t return my calls and he’s stopped sending me any child support, so when his mama told me he was shacked up with you, I thought I’d come by. You tell him that Mia needs her daddy and I need a check or I’m taking him to court.”

And with that, the woman turned and walked away, leaving Jayne standing there with a now crying baby and absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do about any of it. Andre had a five-month-old daughter? Why hadn’t he told her about it?

Better yet, what did this new development mean for their relationship?

Tips from Jayne

81. Give Him the Benefit of the Doubt—at Least until You Get All the Facts.

Jayne was shocked when she found out about Mia, especially since Mia’s mom had to have been in her final trimester of pregnancy when Jayne and Andre met, yet he never mentioned it. Honestly, how could he forget to tell her he had a daughter? Better yet, why the heck had he been flirting with her in the first place when he should have been by the side of the woman who was about to have his baby? Jayne felt herself growing increasingly angry about his perceived betrayal of both of them, and then she stopped herself.

She only had Mia’s mom’s word that any of what she’d said was true. Jayne was jumping to conclusions, which wasn’t fair to Andre or to their relationship. Until she had all the facts, she needed to rein in her emotions. So Jayne canceled her lunch date with Lisa and tried to quiet the baby while she waited for Andre to return from his errands.

Unfortunately, Andre didn’t want to discuss the situation when he returned a couple of hours later. “Whoa, what is she doing here?” he demanded, quickly backing away from Mia as though she were a snarling pit bull who hadn’t eaten in a week, instead of a really cute baby girl . . . with the same dark brown eyes as Andre’s.

When Jayne started to explain what had happened, he interrupted her. “How could you have done this to me?” he asked, looking furious. “You shouldn’t have agreed to take her, Jayne.”

“I didn’t exactly have much of a choice,” Jayne countered.

But Andre didn’t care. As far as he was concerned, Mia’s mother was crazy. There was no way Mia was his daughter and he had no idea why her mother was saying otherwise.

Jayne shot a glance at Mia, at her big dark brown eyes that looked so much like Andre’s. Doubt clawed at her throat but she fought it down.

“I believe you,” she said.

And she did. Or at least, she wanted to, anyway.

Unfortunately, believing him wasn’t going to be enough. If they wanted to get past this RSB, Jayne was going to need some proof.

82. There Is No Problem That a Little Common Sense Can’t Resolve.

Every problem has a solution, and for a lot of them, that solution can be found by applying some good, ol’ fashioned common sense. To Jayne, the solution to their RSB seemed simple enough: Andre should demand a paternity test. In fact, she was a little surprised that Andre hadn’t already insisted on one. After all, if Mia’s mother was certain Andre was the father, and if Andre was equally certain he was not, a simple DNA test would be the only way to resolve it. Who could argue with science?

But, oddly enough, when Jayne suggested Andre ask for a DNA test, he was less than enthusiastic about her idea.

First, he said the paternity test wasn’t necessary because he had never had a sexual relationship with Mia’s mother. (According to Andre, they barely knew each other.) Then he said he didn’t want to do the testing because he didn’t want his DNA entered into “the system.” (That one really confused Jayne. Just what was Andre afraid his DNA might be linked to? Was he on the FBI’s Most Wanted List or something?) Still, Jayne had insisted and against Andre’s protests to the contrary, Jayne told the woman they wanted a paternity test when she showed up a few hours later. Mia’s mom immediately agreed and they had the tests done a week later.

When the results of the paternity test came back, Andre’s reluctance to take the test finally began to make sense. He had lied. About everything, apparently.

83. There Is Never an Acceptable Excuse for a Man to Bail on His Responsibilities as a Father.

Jayne really loved Andre. That’s why she wanted to believe him when he said he wasn’t Mia’s father. But DNA tests don’t lie and apparently Andre did. How could Jayne believe anything he said now that she knew the truth?

But more important than the lies he’d told Jayne was his behavior toward the mother of his child. According to her, Andre had stopped paying child support and had refused to take her calls. She had to go to Andre’s mother to get his new address. What kind of a man would dodge his parental responsibilities like that?

Easy. A real man wouldn’t.

Andre was little more than a deadbeat dad, and that made him the worst kind of Creeper in Jayne’s book. After all, a man can choose to walk away from a relationship with his girlfriend or wife and justify it in any number of ways, but when he fathers a child, it is a commitment he makes for life. So, Jayne packed Andre’s bags and told him it was over.

And then she gave Mia’s mom the phone number to the best women’s rights’ attorney in town. “If you won’t call for yourself, do it for Mia,” Jayne said, and then she closed the chapter on Andre for good.

Torn Between Two Lovers—Who Says She Can’t Have Them Both?

Jayne had been dating Zac for a few months. On a scale of 1 to 10, Jayne would have given their relationship an 8. Not bad by any standards, but Jayne had high hopes that the relationship might even improve. They were still in the beginning stages of the relationship, and hadn’t even agreed on an exclusive commitment. Not yet, anyway. However, Jayne wasn’t actually putting herself out on the market either, because . . . well, she made it a rule not to sleep with two guys at the same time. Face it, Jayne had the tendency to call out a guy’s name during the big O, and trying to explain why you called out Nick when you were with Mark wasn’t easy.

No, one guy at a time was a good rule.

But, Jayne liked Zac, and for all she knew at the time, Zac might have ended up to be her forever kind of love. The man made a good living as an engineer, was super dedicated to his career. He made her laugh, knew how to get her pulse rate going, and they just had a good time together. If you’d asked Jayne at that precise moment, she’d have said there was nothing wrong with Zac—nothing except that he wasn’t Cody.

Jayne probably wouldn’t have been comparing Zac to her ex, if Cody, the good-looking, hard-bodied soldier, hadn’t arrived on her doorstep. Two years ago, she and Cody had connected a few months before he’d joined up to serve his country. Both of them decided it was best not to pretend to wait for each other. So they’d kissed goodbye and agreed to be pen pals. Sure Cody had written and she’d written him back. And when he called last Christmas, they’d both talked about the people they’d dated.

Now with Zac working for the weekend, and Cody on her doorstep—looking even better than he had when he left two years ago, and saying that he had six weeks free and wanted to spend it with her—Jayne felt torn. When she told Cody she was seeing someone, he didn’t waste any time asking, “Are you two serious?”

Jayne didn’t lie. “Not yet.”

“So what’s the problem?” he asked.

The problem was that Jayne, a tad lonely, felt the sizzle of attraction for Cody the moment she opened the door. The problem was she hadn’t known she’d missed Cody until he was standing there, all smiles and smelling like clean masculinity at its best. Right then, she remembered all too clearly how much she used to enjoy sleeping late with him, making love in the mornings, and working crossword puzzles together. There hadn’t been another man in Jayne’s life who had shared her obsession with crossword puzzles the way Cody had.

Talk about a speed bump in her relationship with Zac.

Seeing her hesitancy, Cody insisted it was her American duty to at least have dinner with him. Hey, Jayne takes her American duty seriously. So she agreed to dinner. Just dinner, mind you. But dinner led to dessert. Just dessert. And then dessert led to his driving her back to her place. Her place led to some serious sink-into-the-sofa kind of kissing. Thank goodness Jayne came to her senses before she lost her clothes. (Not to mention whatever remained of her brain.)

The stirring of desire she felt for Cody, together with the hint of guilt she felt over almost cheating on Zac, had Jayne tossing and turning that night. But it was Cody’s departing retort that really kept Jayne awake all night. “If you care so much about him, why do you still want me?”

“Good question,” Jayne had told him.

Too bad Jayne didn’t have a good answer.

Tips from Jayne

84. When an Emotional Firestorm Creates a Question, the Answer Is Sometimes Equally Disturbing.

Jayne accepts that once a question has been asked, getting to the answer isn’t debatable. Those smoldering unanswered questions will haunt you, chip at your sanity, and poke at your subconscious until you seek out the answer. So the first thing the next morning, Jayne gave Zac a call and asked him to meet her for breakfast. Honestly, she had no idea what she was going to say, or if she was going to say anything at all. Maybe deep down she hoped that just seeing him would give her the answer.

But seeing him only made her more perplexed. Somewhere between the grapefruit and omelet, Jayne blurted out the question. Not the one Cody asked the night before, but the question Jayne had started asking herself the moment she’d laid eyes on Zac and felt as if their whole relationship was in some holding tank. “What are we doing, Zac?”

“Uh, having breakfast,” he answered, looking confused. (Zac was nothing if not a realist.)

“No, I mean with us. Are we serious, not serious? Where is this leading?”

Zac put down his fork. “I don’t know. But I’d like to find out. What about you?”

Staring into his soft, green eyes, Jayne found . . . well she didn’t find her answer, but she found another truth. She wanted to find out where she and Zac were heading. And as far as Cody’s question about how she could still want him, and care about Zac . . . well, she was human, right? What was important was that nothing had really happened. So Jayne decided that she was simply overreacting to the whole situation.

85. Sometimes, You Have to Realize That You’re the Pyromaniac of Your Own Emotional Firestorms.

When Cody showed up on her doorstep again the next night, she let him in because . . . well, she wasn’t sure why she’d let him in, but she had. And when he kissed her, and she found herself melting into him, she told herself it was just a kiss, that she’d stop it before it even got to the sofa.

Then Jayne remembered that warm, cozy feeling she got with Zac over breakfast. She recalled her desire to see if what she and Zac had was something really special. Oh, and then there was the guilt she’d felt about kissing Cody the night before.

Yes, she and Cody had shared some good times, and a love of crossword puzzles, but from the very beginning they both had known they wouldn’t have a future—evident in the fact that they hadn’t even attempted to wait for each other when he’d been deployed. As a matter of fact, when Jayne really thought about it, she saw that what she and Cody had mostly shared was chemistry. Hot chemistry. Not that there’s anything wrong with hot chemistry, mind you. Unless you want more. And she had a chance at more with Zac. That’s when Jayne realized she was playing with fire. A fire all wrapped up in a hot, hard male body named Cody. And people who play with fire generally get burned.

Determined not to burn the bridge to a real future that she and Zac might have to cross one day, she did what she should have done in the beginning. She asked Cody to leave, then as nice as she could, she told him goodbye. She wouldn’t be available to keep him company during his six-week leave.

Would she miss him? Yes, a little bit. But allowing Cody to continue to drop into her life was self-destructive—and dangerous, sort of like smoking a cigar while pumping gas.

He Said He Wanted to Marry Her, But He’s Already Married to His Career

Jayne and Zac had continued to date, continued to get closer. Heck, she even found out that he was good at crossword puzzles, too. They had added that exclusivity clause to their relationship not long after she’d sent Cody packing. Within a year, Jayne had Zac’s ring on her finger. If life went as planned, the wedding would be next June and in a couple of years, she’d have a couple of little Zacs running around. Yep, life was good and getting better—only life didn’t go as planned.

You see, there was one little problem with Zac and Jayne’s relationship. His career. At first Jayne told herself she was being silly. Didn’t she want the man she would marry to have a successful career? So what if he ended up working a lot of weekends and she ended up spending a lot of time alone. It wasn’t as if he was cheating on her. She knew for a fact that Zac was at his office, working his damnedest to get that new promotion. And unlike the situation with Coraline the Cougar and Owen, Zac’s boss was an older, portly looking gentleman, who didn’t want to eat him up like a piece of man candy.

This was just a speed bump. As soon as he’d proven himself to his boss, life would be perfect again. Right?

Wrong.

Zac got the promotion. Jayne was thrilled. Thrilled for him and thrilled for them. Now maybe he could help her decide on wedding dates and locations. To celebrate, she bought herself a sexy nightgown, and made reservations at a romantic B&B.

Unfortunately, the reservations had to be canceled, and the nightgown got shoved into a drawer. Who knew his new promotion would require even more of Zac’s time? When Jayne finally mentioned the fact that she could use a little more Zac in her life, he reminded her that he was doing this for them. If he continued to apply himself, he’d earn another promotion and finally get his dream job.

While Jayne tried really hard to be supportive, before long she started resenting his career ambitions. That resentment tripled when one night, while he was doing wonderful things to her under the covers, she caught him reaching for his BlackBerry on the nightstand. He’d just remembered that he’d forgotten to e-mail a report to his boss. “Why couldn’t I multitask?” he’d seriously asked her.

She shot back her own question. “How could you even think about your boss, while you were . . . down there?”

He answered (and sometimes a man really should just keep his mouth shut), “Well, he has a beard.”

Zac insisted he’d been joking, but he remained seriously confused by her anger. She didn’t think he was funny, and honestly, he wasn’t the only one confused. Jayne had begun to wonder why Zac wanted to marry her when it was obvious he was already married to his career.

Was Jayne being selfish, building mountains out of molehills? In other words, was she seeing smoke where there really wasn’t an emotional firestorm?

Tips from Jayne

86. Where There’s Smoke, There’s Usually Fire.

Jayne really tried telling herself that Zac’s career obsession was something they could overcome. But it finally occurred to her that the smoke she smelled wasn’t just from the smoldering ashes of their current emotional firestorm but from the much larger and far more devastating one to come after they were married. If Zac didn’t have time for her now, how was he going to have time for her and a family?

Not that she was giving up on them without posting a few fire alarms . . . meaning, having a serious sit-down talk with Zac. Face it, if you know where the fire hazards might be, you may be able to avoid them altogether.

87. Some Fires Can Be Avoided, Some Can Be Extinguished, Others Should Just Be Left to Burn.

Jayne had the serious meeting-of-the-minds talk with Zac—one that included a piece of advice. Never, ever, tell a woman that any part of her body reminds you of an old, heavy-set man with a beard! She told Zac that she respected his career goals, but had serious reservations about the price their life would pay if his job continued to make such high demands on his time. Face it, even when Zac was with her, his mind was still on work. A woman needs to have her man’s full, undivided attention—especially when he was down there!

Zac spent a few weeks trying to focus more on her. But then it happened. He got another promotion. The one he had longed for and worked so hard to attain. There was only one little setback. He had to be packed by next week and ready to move to China for the next five years. Had he intended to move to China all along, she’d asked. He’d admitted that, yes, he had seen this as a big possibility. And when had he intended to tell her about this?

Right then it became crystal clear to Jayne that Zac’s career would always come first in his life. And while she loved him, maybe even enough to move to China, she wanted to be first in her man’s life. This was one emotional firestorm that couldn’t be put out. And even if she got it under control, she could see it would always be a fire hazard where she and Zac were concerned. So, goodbye, Zac, and hello, heartbreak.

88. Digging Though the Ashes of Past Relationships Can Teach You to Stay Away from Flammable Men.

After Jayne got past the biggest portion of her heartbreak over Zac, she began to see that there were signs of possible fire hazards all along. Signs she’d missed. Why, Zac practically had a Flawed / Flammable DNA Warning Tag dangling from his right ear. These “mishaps” were little more than RSBs that she’d totally ignored. Zac’s career had always been first with him. Even when they had first started dating, he’d drop her in a snap for an opportunity to work late.

In her defense, this type of speed bump is easy to overlook. Dedication to one’s career is mostly considered a good trait. But, a good trait carried too far can lose the good qualities and head straight to the crapper. For example, take Mr. Too Clean, the guy she’d once dated who was into cleanliness. Cleanliness is a good trait, but when Mr. Too Clean started pulling out antibacterial swabs for her to use before he would hold her hand, and when he handed her the three-page, before-and-during-sex requirement list that involved everything from bleach douches to plastic wrap . . . well, you can see how good traits can turn bad. Hopefully, by rummaging through the ashes of past relationships, Jayne will be able to see these flaws in other men and avoid getting burned.

Words to Love By

Flawed / Flammable DNA Warning Tag: The Flawed / Flammable DNA Warning Tag is an invisible tag dangling from men who have flawed DNA that will, in time, erupt into an emotional firestorm. While upon first glance, the tag and flaw is invisible (some failings are even disguised as good traits), the man’s defect will always erupt into a burst of issues too big to handle.

Surviving an Emotional Firestorm Takes More Than Your Flame-Retardant Underwear

No doubt about it, love is hard, especially when you hit an RSB and an emotional firestorm flares up. As Jayne knows only too well, the flames from a firestorm can consume everything in their path, leaving nothing behind but a relationship that can’t be repaired and some nasty emotional scars that may never heal. Unfortunately, the only way to make certain you never get burned is to never fall in love and, let’s face it, that approach is so not Jayne. She believes in love. (Hey, she’s a romance heroine. She can’t help herself.) She also believes that some risks are just worth taking, and finding a lifetime of happiness with that one special person is definitely one of them.

Besides, some emotional firestorms can be contained and relationship speed bumps can be avoided. And even if you’re unlucky enough to encounter them, they don’t have to annihilate a healthy relationship. The key to minimizing the damage is to deal with the problems head-on when they arise, and then have an open, honest discussion about what happened and its impact on the relationship.

Unfortunately, that is usually a lot easier said than done.

Tips from Jayne

89. The Things That Don’t Kill Us Really Do Make Us Stronger.

Someone once said that a mistake is nothing more than an opportunity to learn. This is a great way to look at life, and it’s a philosophy that Jayne can definitely endorse. When Jayne learned that Andre had not only lied to her but had abandoned his daughter, she was devastated. But the experience made her stronger—especially since Jayne found a way to look past her own pain to right a wrong by helping Mia’s mom find justice.

Jayne also learned valuable life lessons from her relationships with Zac and Cody. Sure, the RSBs she hit left a few scorch marks on her backside, but she survived them. More importantly, she’ll do a better job of avoiding those kinds of RSBs in the future.

What Not to say

“My approach to handling a relationship speed bump is to pretend it didn’t happen. Having those painful heart-to-heart conversations just brings up a lot of emotions that should never see the light of day . . . sort of like that bridesmaid dress I had to wear to my sister’s wedding.”

90. Sometimes a Relationship Speed Bump Is Really Just a Wake-Up Call in Disguise.

Sure, hitting a relationship speed bump at 100 miles an hour can hurt, but not all RSBs are fatal. In fact, sometimes an RSB can be the best thing that could ever happen to you and your relationship. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But think about it. If the RSB only jostles, rather than destroys, it can be a wake-up call that you have some serious issues within the relationship that you need to address.

As Jayne sees it, when you hit a Relationship Speed Bump, it’s as if a giant spotlight is thrown on the relationship. Any weaknesses, any cracks in the foundation of the relationship can be easily seen. Once you know about them, you can then set out to repair them before the next emotional firestorm strikes.

And honestly, isn’t that a lot better than the alternative?

Chapter 9. Heartbreak’s Ability to Kill You

How to Overcome and Move On after Ex-Mr. Wonderful Walks Away

Heartbreak. Oh, the pain of it. The raw, aching, gut-wrenching, just-kill-me-now pain. Jayne often compares it to having her heart run through one of those top-of-the-line food processors that her mother drooled over, without anything to help deaden the sting of the swirling blades—not even an aspirin.

For sure, Jayne has had her share of heartbreaks. If not from the Creepers, then from one of the bad boys she allowed to move into her heart—and the few she allowed to move into her apartment. (She still really misses her sofa. Thank goodness she doesn’t miss Mark.) Ah, but we’re not talking so much about those guys as we are about getting over them.

We’re talking about the healing process and the temporary and potentially harmful Band-Aids women use as a quick fix, such as the time Jayne’s solution for her heartbreak was Godiva chocolate. Four or five pieces would have been okay, but the entire box? Nope, she doesn’t recommend investing in the extra large box when your heart is breaking. She doesn’t even care if it’s on sale.

Then there was the time she consumed six pints of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey Ice Cream over one weekend. Come Monday, “chunky monkey” felt like an appropriate title for what she saw in the mirror when she managed to open one swollen-from-crying eye and peek at her reflection. Of course, combing her hair, removing the fuzzy stuff off her teeth, and taking her first bath in three days improved her appearance a bit, but it took weeks to work off the calories she’d consumed, and a month to move past the soul-crushing pain of losing someone she loved.

For sure, Jayne’s made a few mistakes when dealing with heartbreak. However, she’s also managed to do a few things right.

Let’s see if you can learn a few lessons from Jayne’s trip down Broken Heart Boulevard and grab a few insights into how she managed to pull up her big-girl panties and move on.

Words to Love By

Big-Girl Panties: Unlike the granny panty, which is as real and as useful as the sexy thong, Big-Girl Panties are merely an analogy. Similar to the male expressions of “pull yourself up by your boot straps” or “grow a pair,” “pull up your big-girl panties” is the feminine expression that translates into get a grip, move on, and get over it.

Give Her Back Her Heart, Her Belief in Love, and the Figure She Had Before Her Heartbreak

Jayne will call him Jack the Ripper. Because he seriously ripped out her heart and fed it to the pigeons. She met Jack at the grocery store when she was going through one of her “anti-fat” periods. Not that she was fat, mind you. She’d recently won her battle of the bulge and was determined to stay thin. Problem was, Jayne was an emotional eater, so keeping her cupboards filled with healthy food was important. Anyway, she’d been almost finished with her shopping when she suddenly realized that her cart wasn’t her cart anymore. Since when did she buy Hamburger Helper, Fruity Pebbles, or hot rod magazines with girls with big bumpers on the covers? (And by bumpers, you can guess what she means.)

Realizing she was alone in the aisle, and that she’d been checking calories on the different baked chips for probably the last five minutes, Jayne suspected someone had snagged the wrong cart. She immediately went in search of her low-fat, good for you food.

She found Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome in the next aisle stacking twelve-packs of soda—regular soda, mind you—on top of her rice cakes, which were now the consistency of rice crumbs. But it was hard to get mad with Jack when he apologized profusely and then blushed bright red when he looked down and saw her pack of tampons, a two-pack of vinegar douche, and the spring-fresh feminine deodorant he’d been pushing around in her cart.

One thing led to another and they ended up in the grocery store coffee shop, enjoying a hot beverage, while Jayne’s low-fat yogurt melted to sweet goo . . . sort of like how Jayne felt every time she gazed into Jack’s big blue eyes.

When Jack asked her out, Jayne was putty in his hands. And what woman wouldn’t have been. Jack had “great catch” written all over him. The man owned his own photography shop, taught photography at the local college, and even confessed to reading an occasional romance novel. Yep, the man knew his way around a woman’s body and heart.

Within a couple of months, Jack and Jayne were practically living with each other. He taught her how to use his camera, and she even agreed to pose for him for his “almost nude” shots. Hey, thanks to her diet, she had the figure to do it, too.

The big split came out of the blue. She thought they were on their way to one of them giving up their apartment and making “why don’t you just stay over” into a permanent thing. She thought that until the day she stopped by the grocery store and saw Jack blushing as some cute redhead caught up with him because he’d “accidentally” taken her cart. Accidentally, her ass!

Jayne hid behind a rack of chocolate chip cookies—not the safest place to be for a recovering emotional eater—and watched as Jack played the same pick-up line on Miss Red that he had used on her. The man only had one meet-chicks technique, but it obviously worked, because as she hung back, heartbroken and munching on chocolate chip cookies, she watched Red and Jack roll their carts over to the coffee shop for a get-to-know-each-other chat.

Jayne bought three packages of cookies (one of which she’d almost finished by the time she got to the check-out lane), ran back to Jack’s place, snagged his hidden key under the planter, and destroyed all her partially nude shots. And when Jack contacted her a few months later wanting his CDs back, Jayne realized while she’d managed to get her physical things from Jake, he’d managed to take away her trust and her self-esteem, and had just out-and-out broken her heart.

Tips from Jayne

91. Don’t Attempt to Eat Your Way Through Heartbreak.

You know those photos Jayne destroyed? Well, shortly thereafter, or about fifteen pounds later, Jayne questioned the wisdom of her action. She could have used one of them to motivate her to stop eating the cookies, Godiva chocolate, and the other feel-good foods that offered her a temporary emotional fix. Point is, if abused, feel-good foods can add to the emotional damage by adding to your pants size and weight. Jayne will be the first to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with a little comfort food when you are smack dab in the middle of heartbreak. (Hey, those cookies were just what she needed at the moment!) A little nibble, a snack, might be okay as you move through the pain, but more than a little and that comfort brings its own damage. Living through heartbreak is about finding a place to heal, and that place isn’t on the sofa with a gallon of ice cream. And after gaining fifteen pounds, and struggling to lose it, Jayne’s motto is: Back away from the buffet.

92. When Dealing with Heartbreak, Keep Your Self-Esteem on a Short Leash.

Nothing can send your self-esteem on hiatus quicker than heartbreak. When a guy walks out of Jayne’s life it’s as if her self-esteem thinks it needs to follow him. Because once the guy’s out of sight, so is her sense of self-worth. The old, painful questions start humming in her mind and taking stabs at her self-confidence. Was she not woman enough to keep her man? Not pretty enough? Not worthy enough? What did she do wrong?

While this wasn’t her first rodeo with heartbreak and deep down she knew her value as a human being wasn’t in any way connected to the jerk who just walked out, the questions repeated themselves like a broken record. Broken like Jack’s CDs. (Hey, it was a weak moment about a month after she’d found him stealing carts and after she’d discovered the fifteen pounds hanging around her body.) But unlike his CDs, Jayne knew her self-esteem could and would be mended. Especially if she could remember to stay close to those who make her feel good about herself—her real friends, and her cats—and continue to do the things that make her feel good about herself, like jogging or volunteering at the animal shelter.

Jayne also recommends trying something new: join an aerobics or yoga class, take a painting class, or learn a foreign language. Chances are, you will find yourself with extra time, since you’re not doing anything as a couple, and staying busy and feeling a sense of accomplishment will help your heart heal faster.

What Not to say

“If one piece of chocolate will make me feel better, think how good a five-pound box will make me feel.”

93. Mending a Heart Requires Lots of TLC—And Some KAA.

Jayne knows that TLC means different things to different people. And yes, in a nutshell TLC means being good to yourself, taking those long, hot, jasmine-scented bubble baths, curling up in your favorite pair of sweats, and allowing yourself time to do the things that make you feel good: read a book, watch an old movie, paint your toenails in rainbow colors. Whatever floats your boat and keeps your heart from drowning in the pain.

But eventually, the TLC stage needs to pass and you need some KAA, or Kick-Ass Attitude. This is when you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking control of your life. When you stop walking on eggshells around your feelings and start jogging three miles a day. It’s when you give up long naps, and take up kick boxing.

That’s why Jayne dumped the cookies and chocolate in the trash and got her emotional eating tendencies back under control. She started eating more of the good-for-you stuff and began to work out her feelings down at the gym. And before long, she had lost the weight, regained her self-esteem, and felt stronger than ever before.

Words to Love By

KAA (Kick-Ass Attitude): KAA is that emotional state toward the end of heartbreak where you realize Mr. Ex didn’t deserve you. It’s the place where you stop feeling like a victim and start seeing life as your playground filled with endless possibilities.

When You Can’t Live with Him, You Gotta Learn to Live Without Him

Remember Frankie? The naked hunk Jayne walked in on as he was walking out of a shower in a hotel room key mix up? Yup, that Frankie. Today, much removed from the pain—and from Frankie—Jayne will tell you that remembering her Frankie-period is bittersweet. Without a doubt, Frankie makes a better memory than he ever did a boyfriend. But what memories.

Their relationship started out racy. He literally dropped his towel and gave her the full Monty the first time she laid eyes on him. (Let’s just say that big Jim and the boys were not bad to look at.) Then, after two weeks of dating, he told her he was engaged to another woman. (Honestly, how does somebody forget something like that?) Jayne likes to refer to that as the first rocky period in their romance. (Yeah, sometimes Jayne has a droll wit.) Even though Frankie broke off the engagement, their relationship kept having those “rocky patches.” And even after they called it quits she still went back for some more rock tossing.

That’s where the bitter memories come in.

Ahh, but of all the men she’s loved to date, Frankie was the most fun, the most romantic, and the hardest to forget. It’s not as if she loved him more, he was just . . . addictive. He knew which of her buttons to push to make bad things seem better, and he was just so darn good at pushing them. Like the time she got laid off and he went to the bookstore and bought her four books on finding the perfect job. Then there was their first monthly anniversary when he sent her six bouquets of flowers. Then there was the bed of rose petals—makeup sex—after one of the rocky arguments, and the night he brought over the chocolate syrup (yeah, the sheets were ruined but the memory is still savored). It wasn’t even all about sex. There was the time her mom was sick and he brought food to the hospital for the whole family the entire week. No one—no one!—had a better shoulder to cry on. Problem was, most of Jayne’s tears during her Frankie-period were about Frankie.

“I think we need to take some time off,” he’d told her, not once, but count ’em, four different times. Each time he’d come back with a sad story about how much he missed her, how much he loved her, and how he now knew how lucky he was to have her. Oh, he had excuses, too. His brother’s divorce had given him a case of commitment phobia. His ex-fiancée called him and he’d wondered if they’d given up on their relationship too soon. The anniversary of the death of his pet rat had him rethinking everything in his life.

Okay, the rat dying wasn’t true, but the point is that all his excuses started to sound like gibberish. Or maybe it was just that the reasons didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was that each time Frankie pulled a, well, “Frankie” on her, her heart was broken again. But each time when he came back with his heart on his sleeve, and outstretched arms to hold and console her, Jayne realized that she hadn’t been over him yet, and letting him back into her life felt better than being without him.

Until the next time.

Tips from Jayne

94. On Again, Off Again—You Gotta Let Go for Good.

Jayne’s not going to say that second chances are for the birds. She knows some couples who needed three times to get it right. But she can’t say the same about fourth or fifth chances. While she couldn’t deny that she and Frankie had something, and something special at that, neither could she deny that the something wasn’t enough to keep them together. At least not for him. And about the third time, even Jayne wondered if it was enough for her. Or maybe she was just waiting for the next shoe to fall. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t heard the sound before.

But the fourth time when that shoe fell and Frankie told her he might need a little space, Jayne told Frankie to take all the space he needed. She told him goodbye.

95. Friends Can Turn Into Boyfriends Easier Than Boyfriends Can Turn Into Friends.

Right after Jayne said, “no more,” Frankie countered with a new plan. They could be friends, right? At first Jayne said yes. She honestly liked Frankie; she didn’t see any reason they couldn’t be friends. But the first time he called her to have dinner, they went back to her place for dessert—more chocolate syrup. And when he dropped by to change her oil, she’d had to change her bed sheets. After the third little friendship encounter, while still naked on the sofa, Frankie started telling her about a girl he’d been seeing.

Yes, she’d said they were just friends, but she’d been fooling herself. Spending time with Frankie was her way of postponing saying goodbye, postponing heartbreak. But Jayne knew she had to say, “Goodbye, Frankie. Hello, heartbreak.” The sooner she dealt with losing him, the sooner she could move on and hopefully find a man who could offer her the happiness she deserves.

Her Fender Bender Led Jayne into a Head-On Collision with Her Heart

Jayne actually bumped into Calvin going to work. Literally bumped into him. Or rather her Saturn bumped into his Mustang. It was just a fender bender. If only Jayne’s heart had come out of the relationship with as little damage.

You see, at the accident they had exchanged information, insurance, and phone numbers, and Calvin called her the next day. Not to discuss her insurance, but to ask her out. Within three months, Calvin was saying things like, “Being with you is better than catching a big fish on a perfect Sunday afternoon.” The man, a fisherman at heart, had a way with words. Okay, in hindsight, he sounded like a bad country-western song, but Jayne’s heart was hooked. And when he gave her a key to his apartment, she felt certain he’d given her the key to his heart. That really meant something, right?

Within a few months, after they’d survived the meet-the-parents nights, Jayne found herself buying wedding magazines and dreaming. Heck, even her friends kept eyeing her ring finger expecting the big diamond to magically appear at any time. She and Calvin were simply perfect for each other. Oh, sweet love.

Deep down, her instinct was whispering she was letting herself get carried away, but did she listen? Oh, hell no! And with their six-month anniversary coming up, Jayne wanted to do something extra special. So she went to Calvin’s apartment—key in hand—with all the fixings for a romantic dinner, and a sexy apron, in tow.

When Calvin showed up from working late, dinner was on the table, the candles were lit, and Jayne was in the kitchen with nothing but an apron on. Too bad Calvin had brought some work home with him. Too bad that work involved removing the clothes off his busty secretary. And if he hadn’t been too busy peeling off the blonde’s bra, he might have smelled the steaks.

Afraid she’d lose it if she stayed, lose it as in pummel the lip-locked pair with hot twice-baked potatoes, smack them around with medium rare steaks, and poke them with lemon-buttered asparagus, Jayne snagged her purse and left.

Yup, she got away without letting Calvin see one tear, and without making an ass out of herself. But she pretty much showed her ass and a few other assets to everyone in Calvin’s apartment building as she made it to her car wearing only her brand new “I’m hot for you” apron. (Thank God, it was the kind with a bib.) And as if that wasn’t humiliating enough, a very nice looking trooper pulled her over for speeding on her way home.

The way Jayne saw it, the man with a badge and clipboard of tickets could have written her up for three offenses: speeding, driving while under the influence of heartbreak, and public indecency. However, judging by the way he had to work at not looking at her apron, or what was peeking out from beneath the apron, he must not have found her all that indecent. Perhaps it was her tears, or maybe the apron, but Mr. Looking-Good-in-a-Uniform let her go with only a few warnings. Warnings Jayne took to heart.

Tips from Jayne

96. Slow Down! Don’t Exceed the Speed Limit When Driving Down Heartbreak Lane.

Yes, like most women, Jayne really wants to get past the heartbreak as fast as possible. Who wants to linger in a painful place? However, Jayne has learned that getting over someone you love and moving on just takes time. And sometimes heartbreak has its own time schedule.

As much as you would like to push the pedal to the metal, and attempt to speed through this stage of mourning, grieving time is not only needed, it’s necessary to achieve a full recovery. Jayne learned this lesson firsthand when less than a couple of weeks after Calvin’s little dinner fiasco, she accepted a blind date with one of her neighbor’s work associates.

Looking back, Chip wasn’t that bad of a guy, but Jayne had still been angry at Calvin. When Chip said he enjoyed fishing, Jayne’s anger got misdirected and poor Chip spent the night reeling in insults about men in general. However, the grand finale of the bad evening happened when poor Chip ordered grilled steak, topped with asparagus and a side baked potato; Jayne pretty much made an ass out of herself. At least this time, she was wearing more than an apron.

Amazingly, Chip never asked Jayne on a second date—even after she paid the dry cleaners to spot clean the new suit jacket he’d worn that night. She wasn’t surprised. She didn’t really think the stain from the loaded baked potato was ever really going to come out.

97. While Speeding Down Heartbreak Lane Is Bad, Parking Is Sure to Get You Fined and Ticketed.

So after the ignominy of the date with Chip, Jayne made another mistake. She yanked up her imaginary relationship hand brake and said “Never again.” She was done. Finished. Love just wasn’t her cup of tea. And with the number of romantic disasters Jayne had had, who could blame her, right? Besides, look at her Aunt Bessie, the ex-Vegas showgirl. She never married and she’s completely happy, right?

But when Jayne uses the whole Aunt Bessie excuse on her mom who is trying to get Jayne back into the dating world, her mom explains that yes, Aunt Bessie is completely happy, but it could have something to do with Aunt Bessie’s good friend Bonnie, another ex-Vegas girl who has lived with Bessie for the last thirty years. Well, darn, who knew?

Well, Jayne should have known better—not so much about Aunt Bessie but about making any declarations about being finished with love. Because any time a romance heroine, and for the most part even a real life woman, vows to never, ever do something again, you can bet your panties that Fate will come a-calling and she’ll be eating her words. So Jayne’s bit of advice is to never say never.

Jayne Ponders the Nitty-Gritty of Breaking Free of Heartbreak

Jayne knows heartbreak up close and personal. She’s looked it in the eye, smelled its sour breath, and has even kicked its ass. She knows a girl’s emotions can vary (anger, hurt, fury, betrayal, unworthiness) depending on the situation. Jayne will admit that she doesn’t know exactly how you may feel or have felt when you dealt with your own experience of lost love. The truth is that heartbreaks are as unique as snowflakes. Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix and no standard time frame for when the pain will go away. Nor is there an easy button to help you move on.

One of Jayne’s heartbreaks lasted only five or six weeks before she was back to her old self, flirting with dangerous men and open to new possibilities. Another one took months before she stopped being bitter, and another few months before she was ready to let another man near her heart or her bra hooks. One even had her wanting to go to the doctor and have the shattered organ removed from her chest. She thought she’d never stop hurting.

It’s important to remember that the emotional damage and the time it takes to recover can vary from person to person and from heartbreak to heartbreak. What’s crucial to remember is you have to keep moving though the pain. Giving up or giving in to the pain and the loss of your self-worth is not acceptable.

Tips from Jayne

98. You’ll Know When It’s Time to Give Love Another Shot.

While vowing “never again” is wrong, so is pushing yourself to date before you’re ready—wrong for you and for the poor men whom you drag into your world of pain. (Remember what happened with poor Chip.) But how do you know when you’re ready to get back into the dating scene? Personally, Jayne has learned to look for those internal cues that say it’s time to move forward.

After one particularly painful breakup, Jayne suddenly found herself noticing the blue skies, the beautiful puffy clouds, and everything suddenly felt new and fresh again. As the day continued, Jayne noticed herself humming and tapping her foot to the beat of a song as she drove back from work. When the “life is good” feelings starts blossoming, Jayne knows heartbreak is about to catch the next flight out of Dodge.

99. Try Not to Punish the Entire Lot of Men for the Sins of One.

Another way Jayne realizes that her days of heartbreak are coming to an end is that she suddenly notices the opposite sex as something other than the thing she’d love to pin up on her wall and throw darts at. She also completely gives up the possibility of becoming a lesbian because she’s not one and stops fantasizing about joining the Lorena Bobbitt fan club.

Yes, a serious heartbreak can lead to overall negative feelings for all penis-toting individuals. And Jayne will be the first to admit that there are a lot of horn dogs out there that she should avoid. But a wise woman stops short of tossing darts as well as “penal” penis amputation. Unfortunately, Jayne didn’t stop short of tossing poor Chip’s dinner at him. But then again, Jayne is a firm believer in live and learn.

And what did Jayne learn? She learned that if you let it, heartbreak can turn a good woman into a bitch. If you let it, it can blind you to the decent man who smiles at you across the room, or to the charming gentleman who offers to hold the elevator. Heartbreak can grow into a case of terminal bitterness toward the opposite sex. It can cause you to see every man as a lowlife, when in truth, he might be the man you are destined to spend your life with. Jayne is determined to be careful, but not to condemn the whole gender.

Words to Love By

Horn Dogs: Horn Dogs are horny men whose only goal is to get your pants off, take a belly ride, and boink you until they’ve had their fill. Avoid them at all costs—unless that’s what you’re looking for.

100. Beware Rebounditis and Horn Dogs Who Prey Upon Rebounders.

Rebounding is easy to do and Jayne admits that she’s gone down the rebound alley herself at times. Jayne will also tell you that some of her friends believe breakup sex and a quick rebound affair isn’t altogether a bad thing. But Jayne has learned a few lessons from going down that particular alley. First, if you’re not careful you’ll find yourself having to rebound from the rebound affair. Second, there are men—horn dogs to the max—who are actually out there ready and willing to take advantage of vulnerable women who are trying to mend their shattered hearts. While a shoulder to lean on and a little TLC is fabulous, just make sure it doesn’t come with conditions that ultimately lead you to becoming someone else’s victim.

What Not to say

“My heart is broken, but I’m sure five minutes in the sack with you is going to make me forget I’m hurting and make all the pain go away.”

Chapter 10. Happily Ever After—

Or How Jayne Finally Found Her True Romance Hero

About a year after her breakup with Calvin, Jayne started a new chapter in her life. Well, actually, that new chapter started the year before, a year in which Jayne decided to stop worrying so much about finding a man. Instead, she started a yoga class, took up Spanish lessons, and really focused on making herself happy instead of expecting a man to come along and complete her life. Now there’s a novel concept! What if being happy isn’t so much about finding a man, but about finding oneself? What if finding oneself is the first step to finding that special person with whom you can share your life?

Now, it wasn’t that Jayne had stopped dating during her journey of self-discovery. She dated a few guys that year, but what changed was the desperation she’d felt before. And without the desperation, free from that sense of urgency, Jayne found herself able to make better decisions where men were concerned.

Of course, Jayne being Jayne, she did make a few mistakes in other areas in her life. She accidentally turned her mother’s hair purple doing a simple dye job. Then there was the turkey Jayne cooked at Thanksgiving that led to the entire family, and the family’s dog, having to be hospitalized for two days. And let’s not forget the day she got caught doing fifty in a thirty-five-mile-an-hour speed zone. (Thank goodness good things can sometimes come out of . . . well, mistakes.) Not that anything good came from her mom’s purple hair, or that food poisoning event, but being pulled over for speeding? Well, you’ll see.

Speeding Down the Highway to Real Love

Jayne had been driving back from her yoga class, singing along to a Spanish tape—one of those fast-paced mariachi songs. Feeling relaxed, she got a little happy on the gas pedal. Hey, it happens. When the good-looking trooper walked up to her window, she was busy pulling out her driver’s license. Her initial thought was to try to work up some please-don’t-ticket-me tears, but darned if Jayne’s contented mood didn’t prevent those tears from springing forth. So she plastered a pleasant smile on her face and decided to just own up to her mistake.

Mr. Good-Looking Trooper took her license and looked at her in an odd kind of way. Well, odd as in how he smiled and looked as if he was on the verge of letting go of a deep laugh.

Confused, she said, “I was going a little fast, wasn’t I?”

He brushed a hand over his lips as if to wipe away the smile, but it didn’t help. Then he spoke. “Yes, but at least you’re wearing clothes this time.”

Jayne’s mouth dropped open as she instantly recognized the hottie in the uniform. He was the kind-hearted officer who’d pulled her over when she’d torn out of Calvin’s house wearing only an apron and crying like a hungry child left out in the cold without its dinner. Jayne felt her cheeks flush.

“Sorry about that.”

The joyful sound he’d been holding in his broad chest escaped and it sounded like magic. The deep, husky, rich laugh brushed against nerve endings that hadn’t been brushed against in a long, long time.

“Please,” he said, his gaze staying on her face. “Don’t apologize. It’s turned out to be the highlight of my career.”

“Oh, really?”

“Absolutely. I get asked regularly to tell that story down at the precinct. And I even got my hand slapped for not giving you a ticket that day by my captain.”

Jayne met his brown, bedroom eyes, and winced. “Sorry. So I guess my chances of getting off with a warning this time are slim to none, huh?”

“Well, that depends.” His eyes didn’t stop smiling, or twinkling. “Were you speeding for a good reason?”

Jayne nipped on her bottom lip. “You mean, like getting to a hospital, rushing home to take care of a sick animal, or having eaten a bad burrito and needing to get home ASAP?”

His smile widened. “Yes, that’s sort of what I mean.”

She considered it. She even thought about the money she might save by telling a little white lie. “Nope,” she said finally. “But I did have a large iced tea, and I’m sure I’m going to need to hit up a restroom soon. Will that help?”

He laughed again and this time the sound sent pleasure vibrating from her eardrums straight down to her toes.

She liked this guy, even if he was going to give her a ticket.

“Probably not,” he said, “but . . . I’ve always been a sucker for honesty.”

“Then you’d love my mama, she always preached that it was the best policy.” She’d said it without thinking, and that little statement now sounded so stupid Jayne inwardly cringed.

“If she’s anything like you, then I’d bet I’d like her.” He looked back at her license as if studying her picture. “You know, you look better when you don’t have mascara running down your cheeks.”

“And wearing clothes?” she asked, before she could take the words back. Her cheeks suddenly felt hot. Okay, she seriously had a problem embarrassing herself in front of this man.

“Oh, that didn’t bother me.” His grin widened. “The tears were another matter.” His voice rang with such sincerity that Jayne’s heart wiggled.

He tapped her driver’s license against his clipboard. “Please tell me you got rid of . . . Calvin, wasn’t it?”

Surprise had her mind racing. “You . . . you remembered his name?”

“Not much I forgot about that day,” he teased. “So . . . is Calvin out of the picture?”

“Oh, yes.” Jayne rolled her eyes. “Chalk him up as a lesson learned.”

“That’s good. I could tell you deserved someone better.”

Jayne waited. She half-expected him to ask her out, and she even felt a bit disappointed when he didn’t. Instead, he handed her back her license. “You got proof of insurance?”

She took a quick peek at his left hand to check for a wedding ring. Nope, no ring, not even a cheater band. She reached in her glove compartment and handed him the slip of paper and silently watched as he stared down at it.

“I guess I deserve a ticket. I was speeding.”

“You want me to give you one?” He looked up from his form.

“No . . .” Confusion buzzed inside her head. Was he just being nice? Or was he flirting? “I just assumed that you were going to give me one because you asked for my other paperwork.”

It was his time to look embarrassed. “Actually, I’m just trying to prolong talking to you before I let you drive off and never see you again.”

A nervous chuckle left Jayne’s lips, but it was the good kind of nervous. “Why? Are you thinking about asking me out?”

He sighed and shook his head. “Afraid not.”

“Okay.” Jayne took a sobering breath. When had she gotten so bad at reading a man?

“That would be against the rules,” he said, sounding all official. “But if I mentioned I was a big coffee drinker and I planned to visit the coffee shop about a block down from your house, this evening, say around seven, . . . well, I can’t see how that would be against protocol.”

A happy dance of flutters wiggled in Jayne’s stomach. “I really like coffee.”

He handed her his card. “Name’s Phil.”

She took his card and when their hands touched, it felt as if something warm flowed from him all the way into her chest and the happy flutters started moving full speed.

Words to Love By

Cheater Band: That little faded white line around a man’s wedding ring finger that tells a woman he’s either recently divorced, or he’s married and cheating, which makes him toilet bowl scum.

Coffee, Dinner, and Kisses

Jayne and Phil met for coffee that night at seven. He looked even better in his worn jeans and button-down light blue chambray shirt than he did in his uniform. While Jayne wasn’t jumping the gun—she still had up her Creeper guard—Phil didn’t appear to fall into the Creeper category.

They then met for dinner the next night. And yep, she wore her granny panties. He was just that hot. Not that Phil tried to rush things.

Jayne quickly learned that although she’d learned how to tame a bad boy, Phil didn’t need taming. Don’t misunderstand, he had just enough of that bad-boy charm to melt her heart like the best of them, but Phil was . . . well, he was genuinely good.

On their fifth date, when they fogged up his car—but damn, that man could kiss—he was the one to pull away. “I . . . holy hell, I want this, but . . . I want this to be right. Go away with me next weekend?”

Does Jayne really have to tell you her answer?

Just Say Yes!

The next weekend came and even with all Jayne’s experiences with men—and all of Phil’s with his ex-girlfriends—they were both nervous. But after a couple glasses of wine, all the jitters faded away into something amazingly sweet, something that felt so right. There was no faking it that night. Phil was one of the guys who had an internal GPS system and knew how to navigate around a woman’s body. They both crossed the finish line . . . well they crossed several times, to be exact.

And less than a month later, when Phil took her home to meet his parents, Jayne found them to be just as zany and quirky as her own. His dad didn’t burp, but like his son, he laughed really loud and often. His mom’s fried chicken was the worst Jayne had ever eaten, but it still ranked higher than Jayne’s mom’s tuna casserole.

When Jayne took him home to meet her family, she discovered that Phil could speak a little Pig Latin. He ate her mom’s tuna casserole without complaining—you have to love a man who can do that—and when her Aunt Bessie showed up with her life partner, Jayne made Phil promise not to arrest Bessie if she decided to take off her top.

Phil laughed and, leaning close, he whispered, “I didn’t arrest you for public nudity, why would I arrest your aunt?”

Plainly put, there weren’t going to be any issues with all the wacky secondary characters in their lives.

With Phil there was no jealousy—even with all her negative experiences with men, Phil knew how to make her trust him. And while Jayne won’t deny that Phil had a thing for her lingerie, his only interest was in getting her out of it—not in wearing it himself. Nope, there weren’t any bad surprises or flawed DNA tags hanging from Trooper Phil. In fact, as hard as Jayne looked, there wasn’t even a hint of an emotional firestorm brewing. Sure he wasn’t perfect, but he was darn near perfect for her.

About a year later, Jayne was once again on her way home from yoga class when, much to her surprise, a black and white car pulled behind her, lights flashing. She recognized Phil behind the wheel, but she could have sworn he was off duty that day. When he stepped out of the car, he carried a sexy apron in one hand, and an engagement ring in the other. What a man!

Jayne got out of her car, and as she stood out by the highway, Phil got on his knee and asked her to marry him while people honked their horns and cheered. Jayne listened to all her Hs that day, and every one of them, especially her head, said she should say yes.

And so she did.

A Well-Earned Walk Into the Sunset

Today, Jayne’s career as romance heroine is . . . well, it’s not over, but let’s just say she’s busy making guest appearances as the happily married best friend in those novels now. No doubt about it, Jayne has found her true romance hero. And some nights as she puts her two little girls to bed—girls with Phil’s dark brown eyes—she bores them to sleep by telling them a story about how Mama met Daddy. Well, she doesn’t tell them that she was only wearing an apron at the time—she’ll tell them that part when they are older.

A Final Tip from Jayne

101. Learning to Love Yourself Is the First Step to Finding the Love of Your Life.

Jayne has learned so much as she’s starred in her many, many romance novels. We hope the lessons she’s learned will help make your journey to finding your own true romance hero a little easier. Remember, even if it takes you awhile to find the man who will journey through life with you, you won’t have wasted a moment if you love yourself and live your life to the fullest.

Happy hunting!

Appendix: The 101 Ways to Love

1. If He’s Keeping a Secret, It’s a Safe Bet It Won’t Be Anything Good.

2. Never Let Passion Blind You to the Truth.

3. Bottom Line, a Keeper Strives to Make You Feel Secure.

4. Once a Creeper, Always a Creeper.

5. Don’t Confuse a Mistake with a Character Flaw.

6. Some Sins Are Unpardonable.

7. Take Off the Blinders and See Him Through Your Friends’ Eyes.

8. Animal Instincts Are Sometimes More Accurate Than Our Own.

9. Sometimes the Ex Is the Only One with 20/20 Vision.

10. Always Remember That a True Keeper Puts Your Needs First.

11. Never Doubt That You Deserve the Very Best.

12. The Only Way to Get What You Want Is to Ask for It.

13. Set Your Own Rules for the Relationship.

14. Negotiate Your Terms—And Explain the Perks of Exclusivity.

15. Proceed At Your Own Pace . . . Or Not At All.

16. If You Believe In It Strongly Enough, Fight for It.

17. Lust Is a Lovely Emotion, Just Don’t Confuse It with Love.

18. There Is a Huge Difference Between a Bad Boy and a Serial Womanizer.

19. Experimentation Can Be a Lot of Fun . . . As Long As It’s What You Want.

20. Only a Creeper Will Resort to Emotional Blackmail to Get What He Wants.

21. Don’t Be Afraid to Remain True to Yourself.

22. Go Ahead, Unleash Your Inner Bad Girl.

23. You’re the Only One Who Knows If It’s Worth It to Take a Chance on a Bad Boy.

24. “Just You and Me Babe” Is a Good Motto . . . for a While.

25. Eventually, a Real Relationship Has to Be More Than Just Hot Sex and Cold Takeout.

26. Never Fork a Relationship Until You Know the Reason.

27. The Problem with Going Out of Your Way to Make a Good First Impression Is That You Have to Live Up to It.

28. Perfection Is a Matter of Taste.

29. Mama May Love Him, but She Doesn’t Have to Sleep with Him.

30. You Can Lead a Heart to Love, but You Can’t Make It Fall In.

31. Being in Like Isn’t the Same as Being in Love.

32. Sometimes Dating Him Means Dating the Secondary Characters in His Life.

33. Fair or Not, You Are Judged by the Characters You Keep.

34. Don’t Always Play Second Fiddle to the Secondary Characters in Your Boyfriend’s Life.

35. Just Because He Appears to Be Perfect, Doesn’t Mean He’s Perfect for You.

36. Loving a Man Doesn’t Necessarily Mean You Have to Love His Secondary Characters. (But It Helps If You Try.)

37. Sometimes It Feels Like Destiny, But It So Ain’t.

38. Pay Attention to All Your Hs . . . Especially If Your Head Is Trying to Tell You Something.

39. Cute Meets Can Be Like Puppies—Sometimes They’re Not So Cute.

40. When Your Instincts Are on Strike, Put the Decision on Hold, or At Least on Pause.

41. Explaining Your Instinct-Driven Decisions Generally Involves the Truth. (Well, Part of the Truth, Anyway.)

42. Never Question Your Instinct or Your Granny-Panty Safety Net.

43. Don’t Overlook Your Instincts Just Because You Feel Put on the Spot.

44. Sometimes the Right Call Isn’t the Easiest One to Make.

45. You Have to Respect the Gut Instincts of Others, Even When Bad Shrimp Is Involved.

46. Be Leery of Any Intuition Driven Primarily by Your Hormones.

47. Allow Yourself to Hear What Your Gut Is Trying to Say.

48. Alcohol Can Totally Muddle Up Your Intuition.

49. Allow Your Past Gut-Driven Mishaps to Color Future Gut-Driven Decisions.

50. Sex Isn’t a Timed Sporting Event—and When You Cross the Finish Line, You’d Better Make Sure Your Partner Is Right Behind You.

51. Don’t Be Afraid to Offer Some Ego-Sensitive Lessons.

52. Sex Is a Team Sport.

53. Does He Not Know How to Make You Happy, or Does He Not Care Enough to Try?

54. Faking It Isn’t Always in Your Best Interest—or in His.

55. Focus on the Most Sensitive Erogenous Zone—Your Head.

56. Seduce Yourself Into Feeling Seductive.

57. Take Care of Your Body, So Your Body Will Take Care of You.

58. Play with Each Other’s Fantasies—Be His Naughty Cheerleader If He’ll Be Your Fireman.

59. Take a Tour Down Memory Lane.

60. All Relationships Require Some Effort, So Make Sure Yours Is Worth It.

61. Sex Is Like Ice Cream—It Comes in a Lot of Flavors So Make Sure You and Your Partner’s Flavors Are Compatible.

62. There Really Is a Difference Between Having Sex and Making Love.

63. Accept That Men Are Sometimes Clueless Where Their Exes Are Concerned.

64. Sometimes the Right Thing to Do Is to Walk Away. (Even If It Means You Let the Other Woman Win.)

65. Real Life’s Not Like Junior High. (Sometimes You Can’t Lock the Other Woman in the Girl’s Locker Room.)

66. If You Can’t Trust Your Man, Then Maybe He’s Not the Man for You.

67. Sometimes the Best Thing to Say Is Nothing At All.

68. If You Can Harness It, Jealousy Can Lead You to Some Amazing Insights.

69. Admitting You Are Jealous Is the First Step Toward Overcoming the Emotion.

70. Teach Him a Lesson He Won’t Soon Forget.

71. Out Him As a Cheater So the Whole World Knows What He Did. (a.k.a. Plan B.)

72. Slap His Butt with a Lawsuit.

73. Recruit Reinforcements and Launch a Full-Scale Attack.

74. There Is No Offense That a Little Revenge Sex (Well, Sort of) Can’t Resolve.

75. Set a Trap and Laugh As the Creeper Takes the Bait.

76. File a Criminal Complaint for Theft.

77. Embarrass Him Into Paying You What He Owes You.

78. Stop Setting Yourself Up to Be a Victim.

79. Embrace the Experience and Learn from the Lessons It Teaches You.

80. Living Well Is the Best Revenge.

81. Give Him the Benefit of the Doubt—at Least until You Get All the Facts.

82. There Is No Problem That a Little Common Sense Can’t Resolve.

83. There Is Never an Acceptable Excuse for a Man to Bail on His Responsibilities as a Father.

84. When an Emotional Firestorm Creates a Question, the Answer Is Sometimes Equally Disturbing.

85. Sometimes, You Have to Realize That You’re the Pyromaniac of Your Own Emotional Firestorms.

86. Where There’s Smoke, There’s Usually Fire.

87. Some Fires Can Be Avoided, Some Can Be Extinguished, Others Should Just Be Left to Burn.

88. Digging Though the Ashes of Past Relationships Can Teach You to Stay Away from Flammable Men.

89. The Things That Don’t Kill Us Really Do Make Us Stronger.

90. Sometimes a Relationship Speed Bump Is Really Just a Wake-Up Call in Disguise.

91. Don’t Attempt to Eat Your Way Through Heartbreak.

92. When Dealing with Heartbreak, Keep Your Self-Esteem on a Short Leash.

93. Mending a Heart Requires Lots of TLC—And Some KAA.

94. On Again, Off Again—You Gotta Let Go for Good.

95. Friends Can Turn Into Boyfriends Easier Than Boyfriends Can Turn Into Friends.

96. Slow Down! Don’t Exceed the Speed Limit When Driving Down Heartbreak Lane.

97. While Speeding Down Heartbreak Lane Is Bad, Parking Is Sure to Get You Fined and Ticketed.

98. You’ll Know When It’s Time to Give Love Another Shot.

99. Try Not to Punish the Entire Lot of Men for the Sins of One.

100. Beware Rebounditis and Horn Dogs Who Prey Upon Rebounders.

101. Learning to Love Yourself Is the First Step to Finding the Love of Your Life.

About the Authors

Christie Craig, an Alabama native, is an award-winning writer, multipublished photo journalist, motivational speaker, and writing teacher who is happily married to her prince charming. With over 3,000 credits for her nonfiction, seven romance novels, and three nonfiction books, Christie is a sought-after lecturer. Check out Christie’s website at: www.christie-craig.com for information on her latest releases.

Faye Hughes is the multipublished author of nonfiction and several highly acclaimed novels of romantic fiction. Two of her romance novels have been optioned for television movies, and she is crossing her fingers that a new sale is imminent. Single, she is still searching for her own prince after having kissed enough frogs to populate every pond in her home state of Mississippi. Check out Faye’s website at www.FayeHughes.net for more details.

Together, Christie and Faye are the coauthors of The Everything® Guide to Writing a Romance Novel and are popular presenters of humor-filled workshops about writing, romance, and life in the south. Their joint website is www.WritewithUs.net .

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